I need you're help.

centerfielder08's picture

Okay...I'm going to explain what's been happening.
For quick bakround....last year I had lots of issues, I was reported, the long and short of it was that I would sometimes think of suicide.

Anyway, most of these thoughts had left me for a year. last year i thouhgt about getting a therapist but never did.

But they're coming back. Sometimes I think of drinking, smoking, or fucking someone not because I want to or any way feel ready but to drown out these fucking issues.

I feel like a freak.

I'm afraid that everything I'm thinking about I'm not supposed to think about. And I'm so scared.

Last night, I talked to one of my greatest comrades...a girl I tell everything to. And she said if I didn't get help (and fast), she is going to alert our teacher and the principal. I'm really scared about what's going to happen to me. I don't want to kill myself in any way shape or form, nor do i want to hurt myself, but I'm saying things that may indicate otherwise.

Comments

centerfielder08's picture

Last night I was sitting at

Last night I was sitting at my computer and a numbness came over me. As if I couldn't feel. I felt...unreal.

patnelsonchilds's picture

Okay, here's my advice,

Okay, here's my advice, though you might not like it.

If you're saying things like this to others, then you undoubtedly want help. If the things you said scared your friend enough for her to threaten to break your confidence and tell someone, perhaps it's time for you to get that help, rather than just chatting with a counselor every so often. It's a scary prospect, but sometimes just talking to friends or posting on a website isn't enough. Even if you don't have the intention of killing yourself, the fact that you brought it up to a close friend in a way that scared her should tell you that maybe she's right, and you ought to go the next step and seek a more serious kind of counseling. Sometimes these issues are more clinical in nature, like mine, where you can't always control the turbulent and self-destructive thoughts that are in your head, even if things in life aren't necessarily all that bad at that particular moment. Counseling will help to determine whether you need some therapy, or perhaps medication to help bring these things under control. Even with my meds, I still have bad episodes, but without them, I would never have survived this long.

Honestly, I think it may be time for you to take the next step, hon. You've been reaching out like crazy to friends, teachers, us...what you need now is to reach out to someone professional who can really help you, and tell them the truth about what's going on in your life, and in your head.

Whatever the case, we will always be here for you.

Hugs,
Pat

_________________________________

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

centerfielder08's picture

i want to. and i know i need

i want to. and i know i need to.
im just afraid to make that leap. im too scared to tell any adults near me (adults who know me outside of oasis) because im afraid of judgment.
ive kept my mouth shut.
i think i really need help though. im just really afraid. :(
and then , i was looking for therapists online and one person is 80dollars for 55 min. how will i ever pay?
i cant tell my parents what im thinking about. especially after what happened today.

jeff's picture

Yeah...

I feel we're caught in a circle here.

You say you need help, we say get help, you say you can't, repeat.

Ultimately, every parent in the world prefers a kid in therapy to a kid in a coffin. Guaranteed. Although I do joke that I'd rather hear the death rattle of my as-yet-unborn child than attend a Celine Dion concert, but that's sort of an exaggeration.

My other observation is you want to play life like chess, when unfortunately it's more like Let's Make a Deal. You want to know six plays down every potential path, and I think that is procrastination masking as progress. Sometimes you have to pick Door #2 and not know what's behind it.

The other thing to realize, if you could map out your whole life in advance, it'd be boring.

---
"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." - Rumi

Add me on Facebook.

centerfielder08's picture

I don't understand...?

I don't understand...?

centerfielder08's picture

why is it that everytime i

why is it that everytime i try to reach out on here, people move further away ?

jeff's picture

Err...

How is replying moving further away?

---
"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." - Rumi

Add me on Facebook.

kaj's picture

Okay, we aren't moving

Okay, we aren't moving further away, but you have to realize most everybody on here lives in opposite side of the globe, so reaching out is a little pointless, right? What I'm saying is that you can use Oasis to get advice, but don't expect it as a substitute for real life. On to the big problem.

I've gone through bouts of depression, too. For a while, I was described as a "high suicide risk". Then I realized, I'm more prone to depression than some, so I have to learn to cope. This may not help you, but I try and step outside the funk, and say: "This is just an emotion. It's not permanent." I can't give you specific tasks to do because it's different for every person. It sucks, but overcoming deppresion is a totally personal journey. By the way, it's not like once you get over it, it stops forever. Addicts still have urges. Bulimics still want to purge. You just learn to overcome those urges, and you are all the stronger for it.

patnelsonchilds's picture

Well, I'm thinking that

Well, I'm thinking that sooner or later, one of the many people you've reached out to will grow alarmed enough to tell someone who will eventually clue your parents in. Then the decision will no longer be in your hands. Wouldn't you rather make the choice yourself, and tell them, while you still can? If you can't do it alone, how about having your counselor arrange a meeting with you and your folks in his/her office? That way, you'll be in a neutral place, and someone else will be there to support you and make things easier. Your parents don't need to know your every secret...just that you need help. What you tell your therapist is between you and him or her.

_________________________________

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

centerfielder08's picture

I guess I could try it.

I guess I could try it. Last year it got really out of hand and I don't wnat it to be like that...2 different teachers (separately) called my parents to warn them of me. One of them skwed my stories, telling my mom i was going to cut my wrists.

I'm planning on talking to my counsilor at school tomorrow. I'm thinking of telling him I think I need outside help, but don't know where to turn in terms of money issues that we have, and how to tell my parents. do you think he'll have any ideas?
im just ashamed of myself.

fox333's picture

awwww don't be *hugs* why

awwww don't be *hugs* why are you ashamed?

allmylovin's picture

honestly i am in the same

honestly i am in the same position. I really dont want to do any of these things but sometimes i just want to smoke and drink until i cant remember anything. i dont want to hurt myself but it feels like a good solution sometimes. i would say do to your counselor at school and ask for someone outside of school that could help. its a really good step that you know you want help. you SHOULD NOT be ashamed of yourself. a lot of people feel like this and don't do anything and thats when it gets bad.

truth it just like time it catches up and it just keeps going

centerfielder08's picture

yeah..im the same way. i

yeah..im the same way. i dont want to hurt myself, i really dont.
ive decided. im talking to my counsilor tomororw. i just dont know where to draw the line of what i can tell him/what he can legally hear?
i just get ashamed that im having these feelings and that im not perfect.

Riku's picture

It's not that people are

It's not that people are moving farther away, it's that sometimes it's hard to know what to say to you... :/

I agree though, if you want help, you're going to have to make that leap. Sometimes you just have to make leaps, it's hard but, that's life.

Hope you feel better soon.

jeff's picture

Also...

If my math's right, you said people are being less supportive because no one had responded within 27 minutes of the time you first posted this, which is a bit too early to call such a thing.

---
"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

ferrets's picture

stay..............

away from drugs and alchol, espiacily if you are thinking of hurting or killing you self. these chemicals change who you think, so you might do somthig you dont live to regret. you should stay away from the stuff anyhow, but espeicely now. turn to people not substances.
and be carful.

hugs from ferrets

centerfielder08's picture

Jeff...i wasnt saying people

Jeff...i wasnt saying people werent suporting me because it took them 27 min. i just feel like im getting not great responses. im scared....