okay...so, read my last post if you need an explination.
i quit my job. i realized when i saw my therepist tonight that what had happened today, with the belt, really, really freaked me out. i'm not sure how to describe it...it all happened so fast, it doesn't seem real.
but he was taking obvious pleasure from being so violent!
and i hate myself for being such a coward, but am i? i mean, yeah, i'm 'running away' from him, but...i'm also avoiding what i feel could be a very dangerous situation.
i know it was just a cardboard box...it really freaked me out. i carry a leatherman pocket knife on my belt, and i realized, once he was done, that i'd taken it off my belt, and had it in my hand, and my finger ready to snap out the blade. i don't remember even thinking about it...
so...i'm going to call him in the morning, and tell him that i quit.
i feel like shit about it, ya know? i feel like such a quitter! i finally found a job, a basicly GOOD job, and i'm QUITTING!!! my friends tell me i'm crazy...wolf said it was a stupid reason to quit.
i'm mad at her about that, too.
Em's the only one who said i wasn't crazy...my only friend, that is. my parents think i'm doing the right thing.
god...i don't know. i was so SCARED. i don't scare easily......and he really, really did.
fuck! i want to have a job!!! even though it was kinda shitty, i really LIKED working! i like getting up in the morning, and having some kind of PURPOSE. and i've found that i really like working with my hands...it's so satisfying.
so i'm pretty much upset right now...i don't know what is right, or wrong, or good or bad. i don't know what to DO. all i have is my gut instinct, which says to get out of there, but my brain is telling me that i should stay, and tough it out...that i'm just running away because it's hard, and new, and telling myself that i'm afraid is just an excuse.
but it's NOT, i argue to myself. it's genuine. i'm not lying about it. it happened, it was real. my fear was real. IS real. but...!
i want to go hide for a while. watch rachel maddow, and the rest of obama's speech, and jon stewart, and read my book, and listen to kd lang and the inidigo girls.