dresden dolls' "coin operated boy" is just such a good song! found a live version in which instead of saying "take him in the bath" she says "fuck him in the ass" and i mean omg it's just so perfect!
turning 21 tommorow.....have i maybe mentioned a couple of times how much i don't want that to happen?
anyways....i've decided to go for it with the straight boy, even though he's not much of a nice guy, fulfilling THE gay fantasy is something i'll regret if i don't do it. But after that i'm so turning into a fucking nun, i've waaaay reached saturation already with the sex and dating game....it's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo boring and cold and mechanic....so i'm over it.
i just hope this straight boy don't destroy my body too much for tommorow coz i'm gonna need a lot of energy and patience to put the smiley smilies for all the family with lots of "thank you!"'s and such that UGLY fake smiling i have plastered all over my face when dealing with these FUCKERS!
I have a deep desire to watch silence of the lambs all of a sudden.
maybe it's time i did the "drop off the face of the earth" thing again...i'm really quite good at it...emerge on the other side with a clean slate and new people...never better than the ones before but at least i then have the element of suprise, they don't know anything about me.
I think i may have decided last night (upon talking to my soft toy tzvoe....we've been together for sixteen years...hehehe) that i don't want to be a painter after all...i think working in a hotel...or in a resteraunt...or even in fashion. I could be one of those everyday people...i'll have money (enough for myself to live comfortably anyway) and maybe even everyday friends. and i would LOVE an everyday boyfriend, who might be an everyday husband...to share everyday love with, not to mention everyday sex. i think i could do that...coz after all...what's so great about the scene i'm in now? i could move into the city, finally get connected with the gay community through something other than sex, and when my family move back here, i'd see them on weekends and talk to them on the phone in the evening. maybe i'll go shopping with my sisters and visit my grandparents every other sabbath. doesn't that sound nice? a little simplicity. anyway that's what me and tzvoe were talking about. him and i were reunited this week after being apart for a year it was quite sentimental for me lol. i thought about it last night that tzvoe has been either in bed with me (when i'm sad) or on a shelf looking at my bed (watching over me when i'm sleeping) since i was five. when i was five i was scared of the dark like everyone else...but he was the thing that got me through it...and he was there for my first operation, as well as my second, he was with me on the plane to australia when we moved, he was there through all my dramas with my sister, and he was there that night i finally figured out im a homo, and through the five years of depression that followed...he was there when i moved out of home and when i moved back when i was mentally ill. lol he only wasn't there when i became sexually active...and when i somehow turned from an innocent teenager to whatever it is that i am now. and i kept thinking what must he be thinking, seeing me after a year of being apart like this, does he even recognise me...lol, im so different now, lost so much weight, dress so different, talk different, sound different, am different. it made me feel guilty...like i let him down...i think i let him down...he was always a guide for me, always trying to show me the right path and i've just taken everything he taught me and threw it away. funny thing is, it would have been easier to keep it...i didn't do it coz it was easy, it's not a lazy thing. furthermore...when he last saw me i used to measure my bloodsugar everyday and watch what i was eating so i don't get hypo or hyper, but this past year, well...lets just say type one diabetes isn't something to be fucked with and ive been acting as if it's not there at all, im sure i've somewhat shortened my life this past year...if not from that than from all the anxiety and alcohol.
i used to be able to take a shower and feel clean, can't do that anymore...i took a shower last night, very thoroughly cleaned everything...very hot water, and came out feeling just the same...lol somehow now even hygiene is more about sex than about being clean...sex used to be a beautiful thing for me, when i was with christian and nathaniel, it didn't feel bad at all...now it all does, like i sold the meaningfulness of having sex with someone you love for the freqency of having sex with someone who's name you don't even know.
lol i must go through so many ups and downs everyday now...used to be a lot less frequent...like i could just be alright...then maybe low for a few days...then happy again for a few weeks. now it's mostly low...perhaps it's just from missing my family...psychologically...i do wish to punish them, as well as the rest of my family...and my friends. but then perhaps my punishment approach is wrong, coz it seems the only one being punished is me, and by me no less, which just makes no sense right? or maybe this whole punishment idea needs to be let go of? but how can you, when they are all such a terrible disappointment, such a pathetic excuse, such huge errors. i thought about asking God for help here...but quickly decided against that too...i figure God is Macro, deals with things that are on the large scale...and this is just my tiny little insignificant corner of the universe...sure it's malfunctioning but then so are so many others...and it's not up to Him to fix that...you either do it on u'r own or you continue malfunctioning. In any case i figure im already waaay in debt with Him, not such a good little Jew, and I've already asked for so much it hardly seems fair...i wont have one sided relationships with people...so why go and do that with God...though of course you could argue that God is one big one sided relationship in the first place, his communication with me is much the same as that of all the figures in my life that i care about and love the most...that is...my two doppelgangers, and tzvoe of course, lol, perhaps not by coincidence that all those figures are more of an internal dialogue between me and myself. Maybe that just point at the fact that i'm Extremely self-centred...to which i would have to reply that nobody else gives two shits about me so who else but me is going to look after me? all this self reflexive thinking is bullshit anyway...it just goes around and around in a downwards spiral going nowhere in particular. i need to learn to separate from myself and train my mind to actually be where my body is, to interact with people around me rather than with myself through my interaction with them...if that makes sense. perhaps them my mind would get more objective, and i would be able to just concentrate on my study and career and friends and family and not on all the little fireworks inside...and then i wouldn't dream of the things i dream about...or think the things i think...or feel or be as self-desctuctive as i am. i do know of course that i'm by no means special, lol especially in this site...every other person here is just like me...perhaps with slight variations, but isn't that just all the more fucked up? the older we get the more similar, the more shallow, the less special, the less interesting. i suppose this "futility of it all" would be an excellent base for the point that...well if it's all so fucking meaningless anyway, why not have fun, fuck as many as you want...eat whatever and whenever, live u'r life however toxically and loosely as you want, die young but excitingly, it's not like it matters anyway...right? or maybe there is some higher purpose (not in a religious sense) or meaning, that for one reason or another, i can barely feel right now, but that would show me that perhaps living "right" and reaching a ceasefire (if not...peace) with myself isn't completely out of reach and purposeless...and that just maybe underneath all the fuckups and thorns im still that person tzvoe knew all those years...maybe there's still some little bit of goodness somewhere deep inside the core of my being that maybe someone sensitive, someone...maybe...worthy (?) could see where none other can, and come and salvage it from me, for me, for us. wouldn't that be something worth all this pain and loneliness? still if such a person exists i wonder what he's doing right now? i wonder if he feels anything like i do...and when he comes, if he comes, will i recognise him like he recognises me...will it happen effortlessly...without intension or uncertainty...or will it be my one and only "chance"....and if so...how do i know i've not already missed that chance...i've brushed up against so many men...who knows...maybe if i was in a better mood or had eaten anything at lunch or breakfast i would have said the right things and it would all have worked out right...but maybe i didn't and now it's lost forever. lol see what i mean about my self-reflexive bullshit? what point is there to it? from that little example...seriously...what was the point? all it did is take from point A to point B, where A and B have absolutely no value.
ok this is me shutting the fuck up.