meow

Adam A's picture

dresden dolls' "coin operated boy" is just such a good song! found a live version in which instead of saying "take him in the bath" she says "fuck him in the ass" and i mean omg it's just so perfect!

turning 21 tommorow.....have i maybe mentioned a couple of times how much i don't want that to happen?
anyways....i've decided to go for it with the straight boy, even though he's not much of a nice guy, fulfilling THE gay fantasy is something i'll regret if i don't do it. But after that i'm so turning into a fucking nun, i've waaaay reached saturation already with the sex and dating game....it's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo boring and cold and mechanic....so i'm over it.

i just hope this straight boy don't destroy my body too much for tommorow coz i'm gonna need a lot of energy and patience to put the smiley smilies for all the family with lots of "thank you!"'s and such that UGLY fake smiling i have plastered all over my face when dealing with these FUCKERS!

I have a deep desire to watch silence of the lambs all of a sudden.

meow

maybe it's time i did the "drop off the face of the earth" thing again...i'm really quite good at it...emerge on the other side with a clean slate and new people...never better than the ones before but at least i then have the element of suprise, they don't know anything about me.

I think i may have decided last night (upon talking to my soft toy tzvoe....we've been together for sixteen years...hehehe) that i don't want to be a painter after all...i think working in a hotel...or in a resteraunt...or even in fashion. I could be one of those everyday people...i'll have money (enough for myself to live comfortably anyway) and maybe even everyday friends. and i would LOVE an everyday boyfriend, who might be an everyday husband...to share everyday love with, not to mention everyday sex. i think i could do that...coz after all...what's so great about the scene i'm in now? i could move into the city, finally get connected with the gay community through something other than sex, and when my family move back here, i'd see them on weekends and talk to them on the phone in the evening. maybe i'll go shopping with my sisters and visit my grandparents every other sabbath. doesn't that sound nice? a little simplicity. anyway that's what me and tzvoe were talking about. him and i were reunited this week after being apart for a year it was quite sentimental for me lol. i thought about it last night that tzvoe has been either in bed with me (when i'm sad) or on a shelf looking at my bed (watching over me when i'm sleeping) since i was five. when i was five i was scared of the dark like everyone else...but he was the thing that got me through it...and he was there for my first operation, as well as my second, he was with me on the plane to australia when we moved, he was there through all my dramas with my sister, and he was there that night i finally figured out im a homo, and through the five years of depression that followed...he was there when i moved out of home and when i moved back when i was mentally ill. lol he only wasn't there when i became sexually active...and when i somehow turned from an innocent teenager to whatever it is that i am now. and i kept thinking what must he be thinking, seeing me after a year of being apart like this, does he even recognise me...lol, im so different now, lost so much weight, dress so different, talk different, sound different, am different. it made me feel guilty...like i let him down...i think i let him down...he was always a guide for me, always trying to show me the right path and i've just taken everything he taught me and threw it away. funny thing is, it would have been easier to keep it...i didn't do it coz it was easy, it's not a lazy thing. furthermore...when he last saw me i used to measure my bloodsugar everyday and watch what i was eating so i don't get hypo or hyper, but this past year, well...lets just say type one diabetes isn't something to be fucked with and ive been acting as if it's not there at all, im sure i've somewhat shortened my life this past year...if not from that than from all the anxiety and alcohol.
i used to be able to take a shower and feel clean, can't do that anymore...i took a shower last night, very thoroughly cleaned everything...very hot water, and came out feeling just the same...lol somehow now even hygiene is more about sex than about being clean...sex used to be a beautiful thing for me, when i was with christian and nathaniel, it didn't feel bad at all...now it all does, like i sold the meaningfulness of having sex with someone you love for the freqency of having sex with someone who's name you don't even know.
lol i must go through so many ups and downs everyday now...used to be a lot less frequent...like i could just be alright...then maybe low for a few days...then happy again for a few weeks. now it's mostly low...perhaps it's just from missing my family...psychologically...i do wish to punish them, as well as the rest of my family...and my friends. but then perhaps my punishment approach is wrong, coz it seems the only one being punished is me, and by me no less, which just makes no sense right? or maybe this whole punishment idea needs to be let go of? but how can you, when they are all such a terrible disappointment, such a pathetic excuse, such huge errors. i thought about asking God for help here...but quickly decided against that too...i figure God is Macro, deals with things that are on the large scale...and this is just my tiny little insignificant corner of the universe...sure it's malfunctioning but then so are so many others...and it's not up to Him to fix that...you either do it on u'r own or you continue malfunctioning. In any case i figure im already waaay in debt with Him, not such a good little Jew, and I've already asked for so much it hardly seems fair...i wont have one sided relationships with people...so why go and do that with God...though of course you could argue that God is one big one sided relationship in the first place, his communication with me is much the same as that of all the figures in my life that i care about and love the most...that is...my two doppelgangers, and tzvoe of course, lol, perhaps not by coincidence that all those figures are more of an internal dialogue between me and myself. Maybe that just point at the fact that i'm Extremely self-centred...to which i would have to reply that nobody else gives two shits about me so who else but me is going to look after me? all this self reflexive thinking is bullshit anyway...it just goes around and around in a downwards spiral going nowhere in particular. i need to learn to separate from myself and train my mind to actually be where my body is, to interact with people around me rather than with myself through my interaction with them...if that makes sense. perhaps them my mind would get more objective, and i would be able to just concentrate on my study and career and friends and family and not on all the little fireworks inside...and then i wouldn't dream of the things i dream about...or think the things i think...or feel or be as self-desctuctive as i am. i do know of course that i'm by no means special, lol especially in this site...every other person here is just like me...perhaps with slight variations, but isn't that just all the more fucked up? the older we get the more similar, the more shallow, the less special, the less interesting. i suppose this "futility of it all" would be an excellent base for the point that...well if it's all so fucking meaningless anyway, why not have fun, fuck as many as you want...eat whatever and whenever, live u'r life however toxically and loosely as you want, die young but excitingly, it's not like it matters anyway...right? or maybe there is some higher purpose (not in a religious sense) or meaning, that for one reason or another, i can barely feel right now, but that would show me that perhaps living "right" and reaching a ceasefire (if not...peace) with myself isn't completely out of reach and purposeless...and that just maybe underneath all the fuckups and thorns im still that person tzvoe knew all those years...maybe there's still some little bit of goodness somewhere deep inside the core of my being that maybe someone sensitive, someone...maybe...worthy (?) could see where none other can, and come and salvage it from me, for me, for us. wouldn't that be something worth all this pain and loneliness? still if such a person exists i wonder what he's doing right now? i wonder if he feels anything like i do...and when he comes, if he comes, will i recognise him like he recognises me...will it happen effortlessly...without intension or uncertainty...or will it be my one and only "chance"....and if so...how do i know i've not already missed that chance...i've brushed up against so many men...who knows...maybe if i was in a better mood or had eaten anything at lunch or breakfast i would have said the right things and it would all have worked out right...but maybe i didn't and now it's lost forever. lol see what i mean about my self-reflexive bullshit? what point is there to it? from that little example...seriously...what was the point? all it did is take from point A to point B, where A and B have absolutely no value.

ok this is me shutting the fuck up.

Comments

Uncertain's picture

I read all that. The

I read all that.

The cynicism is great.

P.S.

And hope you find that higher purpose, if it exists. We're all a bit selfish sometimes, and we always want to find meaning in certain things. I think there's comfort in doing or thinking that.

Adam A's picture

meow

i live to please baby...and thanks...and...you actually read all that??? freak!

Uncertain's picture

It's true! But at least I

It's true! But at least I didn't type all that! :)

Adam A's picture

meow

nah it's just word vomit...thanks for reading it anyway kiwi

indecisive-x's picture

I don't think there ever is

I don't think there ever is an answer in life. Your answer changes as who you are changes.
What you wanted last year, six months ago, two hours ago, may not be what you want now. There's never gonna be a solution.

And on a side note, you're Type 1? Me too!

How old were you when you were diagnosed?

Adam A's picture

meow

13, and diagnosed on the 13th of march....hahahaha

what type of insulin do you use? and how many injections? oh and are you on pens, syringes or pump?
i'm on pens, 4 injections a day, use novorapid and levemir, and i have to take metformin...i seriously hope you don't take metformin....its the devil

indecisive-x's picture

I was 12 (by only eight

I was 12 (by only eight days). On the 13th of September (damn 13s!)

I use novorapid and lantus; pens. Pumps scare the shit out of me, as do syringes. Seriously, I cannot even look at a pump without freaking out.
I'm on four injections a day. I don't take metformin though.

hellonwheels's picture

diabetic reuinion!

lol. least ur bs level wasnt over 625 last ngiht bro....mine was so high after riding my meter couldnt read it, and dont worry about neglecting it for a year dued, i neglected mine for twelve years! i know, i know. ill die by the time im 50! aint it fun? aint it fun when you knwo that ur gonna die young? sorry, had to list the gnr lyric dude. lol.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Adam A's picture

meow

GEEZUZ mr!!! why the fuck did you not tell me you have diabetes sooner?? how long have we known eachother now? like..more than two years!? i wanna slap you!
oh and...in australia we measured BS differently to the usa and israel so i dunno what 625 is...what's u'r normal range?
our is like...between 4 and 7....but mine's always higher or lower. lowest i've had was 0.4...hehehehehe...that's about as close to the old coma as it gets. and my highest was obviously when they discovered it...it was about 40....and the highest i've had since was 29...yeh that was scary shit yo!

oh and last thing...there is a certain comfort that comes with knowing you're gonna die young...isn't there?

hellonwheels's picture

umm...

I did tell yuou dude. like two years back! lol. i mentioned it in one of my journals and you were all, wholy shit, im diabetic too! haha. but yeah, i think you are thinking of a1c hemoglobin, not your actual mg/dl of blood sugar. over here in the states 80-150 is MOST ppl's norm. i run anywhere between 175-500? usually, so i have horrible control. and yes, there is some vomfort in knowin' your gonna die young.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Adam A's picture

meow

nah ah mo fo, i know the difference between the actual blood sugar and the hba1c....it's just measured on different units in australia....so....meow on u'r face!!! lets make out!!! i can't believe i forgot about that!!! baaaahah!!

hellonwheels's picture

haha. lmao...

but now i am curious as to how you guys measuer it over there. guess ill have to come to tel aviv and see.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Adam A's picture

meow

13, and diagnosed on the 13th of march....hahahaha

what type of insulin do you use? and how many injections? oh and are you on pens, syringes or pump?
i'm on pens, 4 injections a day, use novorapid and levemir, and i have to take metformin...i seriously hope you don't take metformin....its the devil

hellonwheels's picture

i use pens...

lantus long acting and novolog short. i used to use a pump, but the company i was w/ merged w. another comp, and their stuff went dh.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Adam A's picture

meow!

what's the pump like?? i hate the idea of walking around all hooked up like that..whereas the only problem with pens is that people think they're actual pens and when they open them they have a brain explosion...which i rather enjoy seeing actually.

hellonwheels's picture

well...

back in tha day for an active guy like me, it sucked. i was having to replace the infusion site every day! and then i would have to disconnect to swim. biking always stressed it, and often tore the delivery cord, so id be w/o insuling and nto know it. all in all, my bs levels really were better on teh pump, but doing what i do for work, i am also hesitant to go back on, since i knwo i'd snag the infusion site cord all the time.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Adam A's picture

meow

sounds fucking horrible.
btw when you said "active guy like me" i misunderstood and was about to impale you on spoon

hellonwheels's picture

lol...

lmao. i gotta go get ready for work. later
Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

indecisive-x's picture

Pumps scare the living fuck

Pumps scare the living fuck out of me. Just the idea of having something constantly attached to you, idk, it's just fucking freaky. Plus you can't get them wet, so, for me, living in fucking 45 degree heat where there's always waterfights, probably not the best idea.

I use lantus too, it helped so much it getting my shit under control. Way better than protophane, which was my old long-acting.

Adam A's picture

meow

I KNOW ABOUT THE PUMPS!!!!!! OMG HOW FUCKING WEIRD WOULD THAT BE?!
and as for the protophane...used to be my long acting too! it's eh...so so....didn't they stop making it?? the levemir i'm taking now is awesome though....24 hour coverage and no crest, it's just smooth sailing baby!

indecisive-x's picture

They're so BIZARRE! At a

They're so BIZARRE!

At a Diabetes Camp I went to there were heaps of kids that had pumps, and I was just staring at them and thinking, "Dude, you're growing a little machine baby on your hip there!"
And when we went to the waterpark they all had like bandaids and stuff on their guts.
It's just, whoa, fucking weird.

I don't know if they stopped making protophane, just know my doc put me on lantus cause it was way smoother, and lasted a helluva lot longer.

Adam A's picture

meow

good girl! stay that way...metformin hurts like a motherfucker.
12 huh? so long is that for you now? i'm 21 tommorow so it's 8 years for me....craaaaazy!

indecisive-x's picture

I'm 16, so about four and a

I'm 16, so about four and a half years now. Whoo fucking hoo.
Happy birthday for tomorrow!

You know many other people who have it?

centerfielder08's picture

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADAM.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADAM.

Adam A's picture

meow

thanks babe but it's not till tommorow.

indecisive: nah not really...i used to know a couple but we lost touch.

indecisive-x's picture

Yeah, I'm the same. Went to

Yeah, I'm the same.

Went to like this big camp on the Gold Coast for diabetic kids, but didn't really keep in contact with any of them. And most of the kids that go to clinic in the big town are like, tweeny-bopeprs, and I ain't going fucking nowhere near that bullshit.