Past relationships

Zephyr's picture

Okay, so like a reasonably normal human being, I have a facebook. And, yes, I am obsessed with it. As that goes hand in hand with having the facebook in the first place.

Anyway, so I get on there today and I have a message from the person I called a best friend ... I want to say for 8 or 9 years. This being one of the first people I came out to. Ugh, it was absolutely terrible. So, she tells me that not only am I going to hell for being gay, but that I should cut my losses and commit suicide. And being thirteen when this is happening, I don't know what to do. This is the person that I confided in. I basically didn't have any other friends because I was the new kid. No one wanted anything to do with me. I had friends, but I didn't quite trust them yet, and certainly not enough to tell them something that HUGE. God.

So I remember sitting on my bed with the kitchen knife. Granted it was very blunt, but I had it in my head that I was going to kill myself. Obviously, I didn't or this would be awful spooky. Anyway, so I was deeply depressed for a while. And came out to my good friend at the time which was a great thing because she came out to me that she's a HUGE fag-hag. And so it works. I mean even if I'm not a dude. It works.

And so I ditched this friend for years. Just stopped taking her calls. Everything. And now she wants to pretend like everything is fine? She told me to fucking kill myself. Like wtf. How is everything supposed to be chill after that. I haven't forgiven her and that was.... four almost five years ago.

But the biggest guilt that I have is that not only has she kissed me (even if we were younger and didn't know what we were doing) she also convinced me that other things were okay. And I know that I have internalized some of that. Or a lot of that. And I think it has something to do with my uncomfortably with my own sexuality.

I kind of just want to tell her to go fuck herself. Because she's a bitch. And it would be so much easier to deal with shit if I did it like that. Ugh. I don't know. For now I'm just really hoping she has a really dysfunctional life... awful, I know, but I can't help it. It's all I can do to process the shit she's done to me. Or the shit I've been through with her.

Comments

wheels148's picture

that sounds like my ex

that sounds like my ex girlfriend if you need to talk i am here
Mothers, tell your children: be quick, you must be strong. Life is full of wonder, love is never wrong. Remember how they taught you, how much of it was fear. Refuse to hand it down - the legacy stops here. ~Melissa Etheridge, "Silent Legacy," Yes I A

ShowMeLove's picture

I'm sorry about your

I'm sorry about your ex-friend. You came out really young and at that age none of us have a whole lot of experience and our views aren't complete. So, I think that maybe you're friend has changed her views of gay people since it's been almost five years and you guys are almost adults now. I don't think that you should be expected to just completely forgive her or anything. Maybe she wants to make amends for all the things she did when she was a kid. I'd say do what you have to and if it's too painful to take her back into your life than don't but if you give her a chance maybe she'll surprise you.

We all did things in our childhood that we aren't proud of and we all did things we regret maybe this was one thing she did that she regrets. I'd say keep an open mind.

Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things. Some shall be pardoned, some punished. Never was a story of more regret than this of Juliet and her fair Juliet.