Okay, so like a reasonably normal human being, I have a facebook. And, yes, I am obsessed with it. As that goes hand in hand with having the facebook in the first place.
Anyway, so I get on there today and I have a message from the person I called a best friend ... I want to say for 8 or 9 years. This being one of the first people I came out to. Ugh, it was absolutely terrible. So, she tells me that not only am I going to hell for being gay, but that I should cut my losses and commit suicide. And being thirteen when this is happening, I don't know what to do. This is the person that I confided in. I basically didn't have any other friends because I was the new kid. No one wanted anything to do with me. I had friends, but I didn't quite trust them yet, and certainly not enough to tell them something that HUGE. God.
So I remember sitting on my bed with the kitchen knife. Granted it was very blunt, but I had it in my head that I was going to kill myself. Obviously, I didn't or this would be awful spooky. Anyway, so I was deeply depressed for a while. And came out to my good friend at the time which was a great thing because she came out to me that she's a HUGE fag-hag. And so it works. I mean even if I'm not a dude. It works.
And so I ditched this friend for years. Just stopped taking her calls. Everything. And now she wants to pretend like everything is fine? She told me to fucking kill myself. Like wtf. How is everything supposed to be chill after that. I haven't forgiven her and that was.... four almost five years ago.
But the biggest guilt that I have is that not only has she kissed me (even if we were younger and didn't know what we were doing) she also convinced me that other things were okay. And I know that I have internalized some of that. Or a lot of that. And I think it has something to do with my uncomfortably with my own sexuality.
I kind of just want to tell her to go fuck herself. Because she's a bitch. And it would be so much easier to deal with shit if I did it like that. Ugh. I don't know. For now I'm just really hoping she has a really dysfunctional life... awful, I know, but I can't help it. It's all I can do to process the shit she's done to me. Or the shit I've been through with her.