bugger. i'm wishing i'd stayed my last night at the campground, instead of coming home. well, kinda. right about now, i'd have been in my tent for about 3 hours, freezing my ass off, and realising that i HAD to pee...so i'd get up, put a hundred layers on, go out into the rain/wind, hike up to the bathroom, pee, come back...you get the picture.
oh, and did i mention that my tent was flooded? so no, i don't wish i were still camping there...but i do wish i were still...not here.
i love my parents. i really do. and i think i'll go mad if i have to live with them much longer. i can't STAND IT.
my mom was just telling me tonight about something that happened on friday at her school (she's a teacher). one of her coworkers told her, and the whole lounge, that every night she has chest pains, and that sometimes, half of her body goes numb.
and my mom's ranting to me and my dad about how the woman wouldn't let her (my mom) call 911...that she's refusing to see a doctor, that she won't acknowledge that she's having very serious signs of an impending heart attack/stroke. that she might already have HAD a minor stroke.
my mom's really pissed at the woman, cause she won't get help, and won't take it seriously. my mom said that she wanted to call 911 for the other teacher, but the woman wouldn't let her. WTF??? and my mom's going on and on about how stupid it is to not get help, how women especially back down to easily, and don't stand up for themselves.
and i'm thinking "nothing stopped you from calling 911, except for a woman who's obviously in deep denial, and who is obviously about to have a life threatening heart attack." so why the fuck aren't you doing anything????
she's so fucking naive!!!!!!! she's like "oh, well, that's not my choice." "if the woman doesn't want help, who am i to say otherwise?"
"YOU'RE THE CONCERNED FRIEND WHO CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!" that's who you are!!!
statistically, woman are MUCH more likely to die of a heart attack than men (i don't remember the exact numbers, but we were taught that in my CPR course). they under report warning signs, and when/if they DO say something's wrong, they underplay it. ALL THE TIME. they are taught, no, indoctrinated, by our society that they don't matter, that others come first, and they shouldn't bother anyone with their problems.
hell, I suffer from those ideas, and i concider myself a pretty enlightened individual when it comes to stuff like that.
so this woman is crying out for help. she can't help herself (which is a whole nother issue), but she's asking, pleading, for help, and my mom's just like "Oh, she really pisses me off cause she won't help herself, but i can't do anything to change that."
and i GET free will, and how you can only do so much, but COME ON. this woman is a walking deadman (woman, whatever). and my mom can DO something. she could help save the woman's life, but what does she do? she just gets pissed off, and runs away.
i want to scream. this brings up so many issues...more than i want to think about.
for my entire life, all i've wanted to do was help people. when i wanted to be a scientist, i wanted to cure cancer (i was ten, give me a break). then a marine, to protect and serve my country. then a cop (still do, sorta), so save/help people...now a firefighter, or a park ranger, or just SOMETHING that i can use to help people.
and my parents just don't get it. when i talk about wanting to be a cop or a firefighter, ALL they say is about how dangerous it is. that's ALL they see. yeah, i get that it's the parent's job to worry...if my kid wanted to do that, i'd be worried as hell too. but can't they say, just ONCE that they're proud of me for looking past myself, and seeing the GOOD i can do in the world? can't they just ONCE say "yes, that's a wonderful idea, you should absolutely do everything you can to help." just ONCE. just see that i'm not doing it cause it's dangerous...i'm doing it to help...can't they be proud of me for that?
but no. they, like so many others, are too selfish. when we're driving, if there's anyone being really stupid, they go out of there way to pass the person...not get away...just pass them. why? because they don't want to have to stop if there's an accident. how do i know this? because that's what they say.
it's like they don't give a rats ass about anyone else. i mean, i know that they do...but only about people they know. they would NEVER go out of their way to help ANYONE. in fact, they've gone out of there way to NOT have to go out of their way to help people.
it's so fucked up. i have to wonder sometimes how i'm related to them? they're so selfish, and i'm anything but.
it just pisses me off so much. i want to speak out, and show them how awful they seem, but every time i do, they just sorta shake their heads and smile, as though I'M the one who's being unreasonable. as though they have no obligation to help anyone.
i used to have issues with my knee...i injured it *glares at Em* a couple of times *lol*, and was on crutches all the time a few years ago. so...i'm on crutches, right? so i can't carry stuff...like my dishes, to clear the table. which is hardly my fault, no? my parents always made this HUGE deal about how they had to do so much for me when i couldn't. I WAS ON FUCKING CRUTCHES. what was i supposed to do, hop all the way from the table to the kitchen? they'd never say anything, but you could just FEEL how mad they were.
i know i'm ranting...i just had a minor panic attack, and i'm really shaken up, and that's why. i really hate the fact that i can't sit close to people, even my own parents, without risking having a panic attack, and feeling AWFUL for hours later.
so that's why i want to be out camping, still. i want to be away from them. i want to be living on my own, near friends who love me, and love who i want to be, instead of always critisizing me.