SEX. it's all that's on my mind right now...lol
not really. didn't get to go to the horse show (maybe later, though), cause S's daughter, who was going to be riding, has a daughter who's really sick...boohoo
and i didn't go to work today cause 1) i might still get to go to the last bit of the horseshow and 2) i don't really like my boss. gotta get over that...
i need something to do! i'm bored, and when i'm bored, i get depressed. which is why i usually don't get up early in the morning, less i have something to do! cause it just gives me a ton of time to think, and that's no good.
so, instead, i distract myself with wanting to subscribe to amazing lesbian porn sites and trying to remember the dream i had last night
did i mention that i want a cat? so badly...
and i want to talk to Em, cause that usually makes me feel better...or hang out with wolf, cause that does too.
wolf has a WICKED new laptop. it was an early bday/graduation present from her mom...who of course is totally screwing it up. that woman should not have been allowed to reproduce. cept, then, i wouldn't have my best friend, so...
i took R off my facebook...and if she reads this, too bad. i just...i don't want to think about her. and it's horrible, cause i DO care, but...if i let myself, i'll get obsessed, and i really don't want that to happen. obsessed, and/or rabidly mad at whoever she's dating, which is totally unfair and uncalled for...so better to keep my distance.
did i mention that i'm 99% sure she's been on here? that i'm almost certain that she made an account, and read my stuff (dunno how much, but concidering that the screenname i think is hers commented on some of it, i'm sure if it's her, she's read more)?
i don't want to confront her about it...and i'm not entirely sure why. i do want to know...but at the same time, i don't. cause if i do know for sure, then i have to think about the stuff 'she' wrote, and i don't want to. i'm still mad...and i don't want it to get worse.
so yeah, that's why i've all but stopped talking about her on here. this was my PRIVATE place...but now it never will be again. every time i write something, i think about what she'll think/do if she reads it. and i hate it, but i hate not being on here even more.
and the sad thing? if it is her, and if she promised that she was never coming on here again, that she'd never read my stuff again, i don't think i'd trust her. i really hate myself for that, but it's the truth. cause if it IS her, then my trust has already been broken a thousand times, and it'll take a long time to repair that.
at least we're trying, right? and i'm glad we are...cause life is duller when she's not around, but...it's still hard.
i'm so bad with people...i feel like a liar. i'm so good at making small talk/being nice for...a while. a day or two. and then i just can't anymore. i lose interest and just stop caring. that's why i have so few friends...here, and in the real world. it's a HUGE struggle for me to keep any kind of communication going...except with certain people.
there's a couple people on here who're like that (and yes, tim, you're one of them). in the 'real' world, it's wolf and Em and R...which doesn't count my bio family, cause, well, they're family.
EW. okay, i'm not squeemish. i'm not freaked out by bugs at all. but every year, around this time, my room and bathroom get totally infested with these little ittybitty bugs, and it's NASTY. they get in my bed, all over me at night...and they're on my couch, too, which is usually where i go if bugs get in my bed.
they're only about a milimeter across, and maybe 1 or 2 long...they're TINY. but it's nasty. they're black and yellow...they don't DO anything, they're just there.
this, btw, is why i will NEVER visit or live in the tropics. i don't need that kind of insect variety, thank you very much. well, that plus the heat/humidity. talk about EW. i'll take my temperate coast line and snowy mountains, thank you very much.