Any one heard a good joke lately?

oldfoxbob's picture

Any one heard a good joke lately? You know that humor and laughter make the world go around ...well at least it makes it much better!

I was talking to my sister the other day, were both from the south, and we were reminiscing about the dances we used to dance when we were younger. I asked her if she remembered the two step. Yes she replied, she just loved to dance the two step. Then I asked if she ever did the fox trot? Of course she said, every Saturday night with her boyfriend down at the Bijou dance hall. Then I asked her if she remembered the Minuette? Heck she said, She didn't remember the men she screwed let alone the men she ett.

Three ministers were talking about how they distributed the money received at church. The Priest said they would go to the garden and draw a big circle on the ground, then throw the money into the air. What landed in the circle belonged to the church, and what landed out side the circle belonged to God for his work.
The Baptist minister said that they did the same thing except what money landed in the circle belonged to God and what landed out side belonged to the church.
The Rabbi spoke up and said " Circle Schmirkel, we throw the money in to the air, what God wants he takes" !!!
(My mother was Jewish, My father was Lutheran so I can tell jokes like that and not mean any offense to ANY religion)

OK guys and gals...its your turn to put a joke one here. Dirty ones are ok as long as you keep the language clean you know !!!!

Nanook's picture

How do you tell when a

How do you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?
When her pencil is missing and her tampon is behind her hair.

Riku's picture

Ewww....

Ewww....

l.enigma_ambulante's picture

LMAO!! XD

LMAO!! XD

loreonpravus's picture

ouch.

ouch.

patnelsonchilds's picture

I'm more adept at

I'm more adept at extemporaneous humor, probably because I lack the memory necessary to keep jokes in my head. I only remember one off the top of my head:

A guy tells his friend that the florist just delivered a bunch of flowers from his boyfriend.

"Now I'll have to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air," he sighs.

"Why?" asks his friend. "Don't you have a vase?"

I know, I know...but it's the only one I remember!
_________________________________

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

jeff's picture

How gay is....

... cribbing jokes from Bette Midler's act. :-)

---
"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

patnelsonchilds's picture

About as gay as being able

About as gay as being able to spot it, I guess. :P

_________________________________

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

bulldyke's picture

haha, ti's not so much a

haha, ti's not so much a joke as a great story.

i went to the SF dyke march last....whenever it was, and one group brought a slip'n'slide....and a case of cheap champaign.

what's the best way to get a dyke to take off her clothes? offer her alcohol and LOTS of other dykes to impress with her skills sliding over smooth surfaces!

*true story!*

wanna hear another one? (as quoted from Suzanne Westenhoeffer, from I'm Not Cindy Brady....i might leave a bit out).

"So, I'm in the hospital, and it's like, 7 in the morning, cause, my surgery's at 4, and they want you to be as uncomfortable as possible! And this big ol' nurse comes in and whips back the curtain and says "Good morning! I'm here to shave your pubic hair!" And I'm like, "Can I have a cocktail first?""

Bulldyke
"I'm kissing you through the bars of this rhyme/When Julie, I'd do the stars with you anytime/Ah, Juliet" ~Indigo Girls, Romeo and Juliet

Sykes's picture

Two guys are having sex on

Two guys are having sex on the bed when the phone rings, guy #1 goes out to get it and says, "don't finish without me." When he comes back in the room there's 'stuff' all over the walls behind guy#2.
What happened?

A: he farted

Toodles!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-A lot of people tell me that I'm not normal,
then I ask them, "Define normal?"

Peregrine's picture

a joke from my grandmother

what is the difference between an old hooker and a young hooker?

the young one uses vasilene, and the old one uses pollygrip.

"One joy shatters a thousand greifs" - - - Chineese Proverb

l.enigma_ambulante's picture

Ohhh... that's bad... very

Ohhh... that's bad... very bad... XD

gaynow's picture

What do you get when you

What do you get when you cross a lesbian with a millipede?

A huge debate about the ethical and moral implications of genetic engineering! Ba-bum-psh!

(Yeah, I'm not very good at jokes. I've gotten a few joke-telling bans/restraining orders from my friends... And from my friends' parents...)

Megan: "Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good."
Graham: "Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good."
-But I'm a Cheerleader

Peregrine's picture

why do girls talk so much?

why do girls talk so much? two sets of lips. why are guys smarter than girls? two heads are better than one!

lol, just something i heard at school.

"One joy shatters a thousand greifs" - - - Chineese Proverb

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Four gay guys walk into a bar and start arguing over who's penis is longer.

Well the bar tender finally got sick of hearing them arguing so told them he had a way to solve this problem.

He told them to stick their penis' on the bar and he'd tell them who's was bigger.

Well just as the put them up there, another gay guy walks in and yells "I'll have the buffet!"

---
"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

dykehalo's picture

These three men are playing

These three men are playing golf the first man it's the ball and it's about to fall in the water but magically the water parts and his ball makes it to the green.
The next guy swings and hits the ball it lands on the water allowing him to hit it again onto the green.
The next guy hits the ball and just as it's about to hit the water a fish comes ups and and catches it in it's mouth then a bird swoopes up the fish and just as tehy are over the hole the fish drops the ball right into the hole. The first guy says to the second. Jesus! I hate playing with your dad!!!
Heheh get it.. moses, jesus then god hahaha... my mom told it to me after church one day.. apparently out preacher told it
~~~Fear is only a verb if you let it be.. don't you dare let go of my hand~~~

DefyingGravity's picture

drive by

found this one, incredibly lame, but made me laugh

How do gay gangsters do drive-by shootings?
...They throw skittles at the victim and yell, "Taste the Rainbow!"

centerfielder08's picture

Heres the joke I made

Heres the joke I made up:

What happened when the zucchini walked into the bar?
He got squashed!!!

Get it, anyone??

DefyingGravity's picture

couple more

A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"
"Well... yes."
Still without looking up: "So you lick women down below?"
Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"

An old man walked into a bar and ordered 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asked, "What's the matter?"
The old man said, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the old same man came in and ordered 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asked, "What's wrong this time?"
The old man said, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same old man came in the bar and ordered 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asked, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looked up and said, "Apparently my wife does."

Hobbit's picture

nerd joke

so a linguist is giving a talk at some conference somewhere about double negatives. his concluding thought is that while he's come across languages where a double negative means a positive and a double negative means a negative, he's never come across any language where a double positive means a negative.
at which point someone in the audience yells out "yeah, yeah..."

i make alot of gay jokes but they usually have to be on the spot but one from yesterday i liked...
so my friends were explaining how to play scattergories to me. you get a letter and a list of categories and have to think up something that goes with each. the example they gave me is that the letter is m and the category is fruit. my response being "that ones easy. just think up the name of a gay person beginning in m"

hugs, luck, and peace

dykehalo's picture

What do you call a lesbian

What do you call a lesbian Dinosaur??

A lickalotapuss
~~~Fear is only a verb if you let it be.. don't you dare let go of my hand~~~

gaynow's picture

....Oof. Also, let's see if

....Oof.
Also, let's see if I can close that rampant italics tag.

Megan: "Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good."
Graham: "Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good."
-But I'm a Cheerleader

bulldyke's picture

my friend was going on an

my friend was going on an overnight trip to check out a college she was interested in, and we were talking about it the night before, when she told me that she was nervous about it.

when i asked what exactly she was nervous about, she half-jokingly said "the boogyman in the closet."

to which i immediately replied "i didn't know the boogyman was gay!!"

Bulldyke
to see a world in a grain of sand
and a heaven in a wild flower
hold infinity in the palm of your hand
and eternity in an hour

~William Blake

Hobbit's picture

hahaha yes. by that logic my

hahaha yes. by that logic my sweaters, t's, etc, and my bio book are all gay
and that amuses me infinitely...but i'm an easily amused person

hugs, luck, and peace

lastresort's picture

ok.......

this is stupid, but does everyone know who chuck norris is? if u dont this isnt funny.

chuck norris punches a mexican baby in the face evrytime u masterbate. pathetic i know

i didnt get pats????

Neutrina's picture

Chuck Norris

Makes onions cry.

"When the people begin to reason, all is lost" - Voltaire

l.enigma_ambulante's picture

Superman wears Chuck Norris

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

kaj's picture

I love Helen Keller jokes

Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell off a cliff?
She was wearing mittens

How do you frustrate Helen Keller?
Give her a basketball to read

Why is Helen Keller a bad driver?
Because she's a woman, but seriously, it's because she's dead.

l.enigma_ambulante's picture

Heh.. =]

What did Hellen name her dog?

Nnnmhmmhnnhuhmn.

(It sounds better when you say it. XD)

&&
"Hellen Keller went to town, riding on a pony, stuck a feather in her hat and said 'nnumhnmh.'"

ReinbowGrl's picture

My mother tells cannibal

My mother tells cannibal jokes when she gets tipsy.

Did you heard about the cannibal that threw up his arms?

- - -
Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when our co-workers ask about your weekend.
- I had a GREAT time with...them.
Yay, now they don't think you're queer, just a slut!

ferrets's picture

okay, wat do u call a ferret

okay, wat do u call a ferret in a tree? purple! ok that was random, now for a real one

wat do u call someone who sits in the snow on there buts and mopes all day? a snowborder on there first day!

jacjessen90's picture

haha!!!

a gyno was quiting his job and wanted to be a machanic, all he had to do was take an engine apart and put it back together so his final came up and he got a 150%!
how?
he took apart the engiene correctly, put it back together correctly and the professer was so amazed that he could do it all through the tail pipe!!

was this at all funny???

"On with the dance! Let joy be unconfined!!" - Lord Byron

gaynow's picture

How many feminists does it

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!

How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Four: one to do it, and three to write a folk song about it.

Megan: "Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good."
Graham: "Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good."
-But I'm a Cheerleader

Sykes's picture

A gay couple and a lesbian

A gay couple and a lesbian couple are in a burning hotel, who gets out first?

They get out at the same time: The lesbians are lickety split, but the gays already packed their shit XD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Welcome to my world, where everyone I've ever known always ends up leaving me alone. Another lesson burned, as I'm drowning in the ashes. Kicking. Screaming. So welcome to my world." -Sick Puppies

Sykes's picture

wat's the definition of

wat's the definition of trust?

2 cannibals giving each other a blow job.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Welcome to my world, where everyone I've ever known always ends up leaving me alone. Another lesson burned, as I'm drowning in the ashes. Kicking. Screaming. So welcome to my world." -Sick Puppies

Sykes's picture

How does a guy know if he

How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?

If she has to chew before she swallows.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Welcome to my world, where everyone I've ever known always ends up leaving me alone. Another lesson burned, as I'm drowning in the ashes. Kicking. Screaming. So welcome to my world." -Sick Puppies

jeff's picture

This one confuses me...

Why would a guy's penis be in a woman's mouth? It makes no sense.

---
"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

Splash's picture

nice, Jeff...

...that was funnier than the (kinda gross, IMO) joke. :-)

I promise I'll be back as soon as I think of a good one — when I need to get a laugh out of my friend A in a hurry I tend to fall back on "this guy walks into a bar and says ouch." It works, though. :-)

~~~ the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses ~ e e cummings ~~~

gaynow's picture

Yeahhhh this was rather

Yeahhhh this was rather better than the original joke. Because really, eew. Also far more valid a statement.

Megan: "Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good."
Graham: "Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good."
-But I'm a Cheerleader

Bi the Book's picture

HAHAHA nice one jeff

HAHAHA nice one jeff

lastresort's picture

ok..........

how many americans does i take to screw in a light bulb? 2. one to get shocked, and one to file the lawsuit.

Sykes's picture

I'm guessing you're not

I'm guessing you're not American. Or you are and you actually enjoy life so's you can laugh at your own society.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Welcome to my world, where everyone I've ever known always ends up leaving me alone. Another lesson burned, as I'm drowning in the ashes. Kicking. Screaming. So welcome to my world." -Sick Puppies

l.enigma_ambulante's picture

Two peanuts walk into a

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One is assaulted. (a salted..)

Bad joke from my psych teacher.

And yet another one from him...
I was driving down a country road one day when all of a sudden it felt like I hit something. I got out of my car and saw a pig laying there, apparently dead. So I got back in my car and drove off. That night, I got home, and the phone rings. There was a woman on the line, and she asked me why I hadn't picked up the pig and took it back to the farm. I asked her how she knew I hit the pig, and she said "It squealed."

apuffalogic's picture

wow...

Q: What's brown and sticky?

...

A: A stick!

haahahahahahahahaa..haha..ha...heh....no? oh. okay then. *sigh*

ferrets's picture

i am a....

american, even though i really wish i werent, i wana be irish!
ok another joke, going back to chuck norris
chuck norris used to be a greeck god , but quite cause they didnt make the statues muscular enugh!yeah pathetic i know.

ferrets are love, no way around it!

music is life's picture

Chuck Norris went to the

Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands and now they're just the Islands.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.

Why does Helen Keller only use one hand to masturbate with? Cuz she uses the other to moan.

gaynow's picture

So two snare drums and a

So two snare drums and a cymbal fall down a hill.
Ba-bum-psh!

Megan: "Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good."
Graham: "Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good."
-But I'm a Cheerleader

Peregrine's picture

chuck norris had sex in a

chuck norris had sex in a trailer one night and some sperm landed on the floor. we now know this trailer as Optimu Prime.

"One joy shatters a thousand greifs" - - - Chineese Proverb

Peregrine's picture

one of my friends made this

one of my friends made this up on friday.

what do lesbians do on their period?
fingerpaint.

"One joy shatters a thousand greifs" - - - Chineese Proverb

gaynow's picture

What did the lesbian vampire

What did the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend?

"See you next month."

(This one makes me wince...)

Megan: "Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good."
Graham: "Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good."
-But I'm a Cheerleader

ferrets's picture

some.....

scientists did a experiment. they put chuck norris and a little girl in a room toghether. they came back a hour later. no little girl, but chuck was naked and looked very satisfied.

ferrets are love, no way around it!