Brain Leakage

Zephyr's picture

I know this is really stupid considering last time I posted I was incredibly angry at my gf for cheating, but I want to sleep with this guy in my math class. And she doesn't care. Well... it would be kind of hypocritical if she did care. Considering she wanted me to be okay with her blowing this guy from her work. She proposed an open relationship. But honestly, I'm too much of a pansy to do it, I'd be afraid of loosing her to some guy. Some guy that I know I'm better than (which sounds conceited, but I have a lot more to offer than the guys she goes after). Like I'm actually attending school, and my IQ is higher than 12. Not to say that if you don't finish high school it isn't. She just chooses those people that make her feel smart. Usually.

I am picking her up at the airport tomorrow. And I've missed her during her trip. And while she's talked to me ove the trip about how much fun she's had. I'm starting to wonder, why me? Why did she choose me? I mean she knew that I had feelings for girls, and after that I'm out. She doesn't connect with my friends on a personal level, everyone knows it. So I don't have much to offer on that end. I do offer other things. But its hard to understand her right now.

I'm kind of thinking that it is more of an issue with me being bisexual and not getting to experience... or rather not haivng the most pleasant experiences with that. Some my fault, and I take responsiblity for that, and others aren't. My sister is going bowling tonight, and because I went with this girl I "dated" and that whole thing ended well, I can't stand to go bowling. And have only been once since. And I felt very ill. I know that I have a lot of issues that I need to work through, and so does she. But my problem with her, is that I activly work through mine (when they come up) and she doesn't. She shuts down. Which is natural. But when I ask her questions to try to help her work through it, she doesn't want to talk about it, and gets really upset with me. I didn't fuck up her life. She shouldn't shoot the messenger. I'm only trying to help. I'm in therapy for my shit. She needs it for her too. And hopefully, she starts that soon. She's hesitant to go into it because she doesn't want to be judged. That's because she judges everyone around her. And pretty harshly. She points out their flaws in hopes that they don't see her's.

I have a lot to think about when I'm at the gym tonight. It's when I work through my problems.