Ooh dear, life's a funny thing isn't it? I've been swinging back and foward from old Adam to new Adam, as my therapist calls it, "The pendulum affect"....or some such. I've dumped Ohad, he was treating me badly, it had to be done. I've gone back to the one night stands, but I've severed my alcohol and weed consumption...which I think is a step in the right direction...holding up well so far...but we'll see what the weekend brings.
I've finally taken a huge step foward with thanks to debating life the universe and everything with my therapist. People have been telling me for ages that cliche saying of "love yourself first"...and I really just refused to accept it. Firstly, I didn't see what the connection was, secondly...i tend to swing from extreme to extreme, so there were times where i did love myself but they were always followed closely by times of hating myself with a large amount of passion :P...and thirdly I was never sure exactly how or why or what to was to love. Anyway yesterday something the therapist said made it seem like it makes perfect sense....and i actually...and for the first time, believe that i do need to love myself, as my therapist put with "with all the complications and fuck-ups and problems and troubles"...something like...you've got to love the problem to solve it, to be able to approach it. I'm just thinking out loud but this is the only way in which i can organise my thoughts...on here...so i had to write. Anyway I guess that that is my issue, that is the big picture, what needs to be worked out...all those other things, like the loneliness and the addiction to all things sensually extreme are actually small and secondary. This huge lump of a problem needs to be dealt with using the correct use of the correct tools. As the therapist explained, I've very good at using the right tools in the wrong way....which makes things worse. He said that old adam is the adam with an open heart, that he's volunrable and often gets hurt but he's pure and clean, whereas the new adam is the adam with a closed heart, who's very well protected and strong and in control but a right nasty son of a bitch (his words exactly). He says that my method seems to be isolation, that i withdraw from people completely, i don't give them so much as a passing glance at the real me. he says that it's even gotten to the stage that when i try to connect with certain people, like my mother, i do it through manipulation, and that when you approach a person with that negative energy of manipulation, you are not allowing yourself to cleanly connect with them, that in fact you choose to not connect with them. He said that it's a big decision that i have to make now, wheather to be with an open heart or a closed one...and that it's a lot harder to open a closed heart and find lightness in the dark than it is to avoid or heal from the pain that having an open heart can bring, and that i needed to close my heart to realize how good i had it when my heart was open. as i'm writing this i'm almost spewing fromhow cliche and corny it all is...but i finally get that it's true. so i've found myself two objectives, to somehow get to love myself, and to open up my heart again. The "how" is tricky, it's simple but difficult, how do i open my heart? how do i love myself? do i even want to? it seems trivial to most people but it's not, nothing should be assumed. this week my best friend from australia told me she doesn't like who i've become, and it scared me that i didn't care, i didn't care even if i'd lost her as a friend all together...i have no idea how i got to such a state of apathy...i honestly didn't notice it...certainlly explains my lack of emotions right now..for having lost ohad, pat, katey, and for what happened with my mother. i tried to connect with her/manipulate her the other day by telling her the truth about me, about my alcohol/weed/sex habbits...with a dual agenda to connect with her and to make her feel bad for all the distance we've got between us...which i now see is largely because of me. it was quite bad really...quite ugly. I also fought, lol, everyone, all my uni buddies, my lecturers, shop keepers, the maintenance staff in my school and the receptionists. The therapist says "it's good to be a cunt sometimes...but you do it very well". he's cool my therapist..i just don't really connect to all the energy healing and shakra's he goes on about....i enjoy the conversation, he's an intellegent man, i don't see why he needs the decorations. Anyway as things stand now...it's all just intellectual...as i am in new adam/closed heart mood, all i can really do is think and think about these things with hopes that the thoguht will trigger the heart to open and feel again...coz for the time being though i've cut the alcohol and weed, the casual sex is a stronger component than ever....i've got far too many, far too beautiful, far too shallow men twisted around my little finger, and absolutely not a single real relationship in my entire life. not virtual, not long distance, not sincere, not family, not friends...and certainlly not romantic...i don't care for anyone or anything but myself at the moment...that is where things stand...and i want that to change, i want to give and recieve love again, even if it hurts, even if it's hard. I tried my therapists techniques for connecting with people on my grandmother today, failed miserably, ended up fighting with her in fact...so i guess i have to just keep on trying, meanwhile there's another man with another sixpack just dying for me to go to his place to fuck him...which i almost certainlly will...so you see where i am right now...my head is well aware but my soul isn't strong enough. I also need to regain my patience, lately i find that i'm incapable of tolerating fools, idiots annoy me, people who can't drive drive me insane, abnoxiously loud people get deathstares and verbal abuse....incompetant service providers get the full extent of my bitchiness and people who try to help get a sword straight through the heart, i can't stand people who try to help right now...people with their "advice"....it annoys me so much i can't even begin to explain it. It never used to be like this, and it wont be by the time I'm through with my plans for fixing myself, I'll go back to normal again, only this time i'll love it. only once my walls were breached this week...by the oddest thing too...i was on the way home with a uni buddy...i wasn't really talking to him coz i was angry at everything and thought him pathetic in every sense of the word (though i know he's not)...anyway a song came on the radio...it's a beautiful love song that was written by one of israel's biggest music stars and was later covered by a very famous rock artist who happens to also be gay. the song is addressed to a man and he of course didn't change the words to suit the usual male version so it was a nice affect, he has this melancholic but very heartfelt voice, and the words are very beautiful. it struk me so hard i almost cried (though crying is impossible in new adam mode)...because for the first time in a long time, and quite suddenly and quickly and sharply it took me very much by suprise, i wanted everything he was saying in that song, i wanted it so much i don't think i've ever felt a longing for anything like that before. of course with it came many "buts" and "ifs" and a mountain of frustration followed...and so i very quickly got back behind my wall after the song was finished..but for those few minutes i wanted was 100% old adam, and it felt amazing.
another blow came today, i was walking around town and my back was aching for a myriad of reasons so i sat down...and only after i sat down i realized that right in front of me was eden...the guy i dated for about two weeks...one of the few i actually really liked...he was working and he saw me before i saw him...he was already staring before i clicked on to who it was. anyway i said no hello, facial expression didn't change...and just to sting him and myself even more, i didn't leave, i stayed there and eyed him behind my sunglasses while he uncomfortable pretended to be busy. I felt bad, whcih was the point, and i'm sure it was sufficiently unpleasant for him. no idea why i did it, so there's another example of my rather odd behaviour.