catching bullets with my heart

DefyingGravity's picture

you said over and over
until it became something
i needed from you
your voice, your hands, your texts
i love you, i want you, i need you
what you began to see
was that i loved you more
i held your hand one night
i held your body another
i held you like the lovers
i wished we could be
you sensed that i wanted you
and you, you ran away
i was left alone
i never got over you
jagged edges to this wound
i tried, so fucking hard
but my dreams, traitors
came with blunt force
until every night as i slept
i was with you, and we were one
...
you said those words to me
knives into my mind
i punched lockers, walls
trying to even the pain
to suppress the agony
i crumpled to the ground
i started loving you, damnit!
you left me hanging
needing to be loved like you
seemed to love me
and you shoved that in my face
i just wanted to be close
friends, if nothing else
and i lost you completely
it tears me apart every day
to know what we could have had
and it walked away a bloody sunset
i loved you
i only wish
you loved me too
i'm sorry

Comments

bulldyke's picture

first of all, if you haven't

first of all, if you haven't already, don't read my journals tonight.

secondly, i am so, so sorry. no one deserves that, especailly not you.

i know how you feel. i do. how you just want to be close to her, because even when she's the one inflicting the wounds, she's the only one who can stop your heart from bleeding, too. i know.

it's not your fault. not at all. not really hers, either, though it sounds like she's taking the cowards way out by just walking away. she should face you, and face your love, and still be your friend. and since i've been there, i know how much you want that...and i know how much it's not enough.

hurting yourself isn't the answer, either. please stop cutting. find another way of hurting. excersize until you drop. write horrible, horrible stories, or gut wrenching scenes, and let out your frustration like that. take up boxing, or a martial art.

slowly, so slowly you might not be able to tell, the hole in your heart WILL heal. i know that seems impossible, and i know you don't believe me, but it will. it takes an eternity (or maybe two) but it will happen. and until then....some days, you just have to survive, because you can't help but hope there's light out there somewhere.

if you ever want to talk, message me. i know my happy journals probably make you want to cry (if you read them), but it wasn't all that long ago that i was desperately in love with a girl who wouldn't give me the time of day...even after we'd dated for 8 months. it wasn't so long ago that i wanted to cut myself, too, cause i had to let some of the pain out.

*hug*

Bulldyke
"I'm kissing you through the bars of this rhyme/When Julie, I'd do the stars with you anytime/Ah, Juliet" ~Indigo Girls, Romeo and Juliet

DefyingGravity's picture

thanks

I read your journals, and i am happy for you. Love is a beautiful thing. I just haven't been able to capture it yet.
I'm really glad someone understands. She thinks she does. Tells me she does. She has no fucking clue.
I have promises to keep, a 24 hour day to day thing so i won't cut. i did last week, tore the hell out of my wrist, but they're healing. i punch things more often now. my hands are actually swollen from punching lockers and walls. i swear i bruised a bone. except that's impossible.
i'm trying to hold on. trying so hard. i just want to be loved. i am jealous of you, but i see your complete happiness and i know that somewhere, sometime, someplace, maybe i'll get that too.
thanks again. you're incredible. *hugs*

bulldyke's picture

my gym has a punching bag, a

my gym has a punching bag, a heavy one. when i'm mad or upset, i go at it with no gloves. tear the hell out of my knuckles, and they hurt like hell for a few days, but it's a good pain.

this sounds weird, but i'm jealous of me, too. the part of me that still is hurting from the last time.... i totally get that, and believe me, i'm completely unoffended.

i do understand. she held my heart for so long....long after she wanted nothing to do with it. i stuck around because i'd made her a promise, but it tore me apart inside.

*hug* i'm here if you need to talk, okay? if you feel like you just can't hold on any longer, write to me. anything. even if it's nonsense. *hug*

Bulldyke
"I'm kissing you through the bars of this rhyme/When Julie, I'd do the stars with you anytime/Ah, Juliet" ~Indigo Girls, Romeo and Juliet