Confused about my sexuality. Help please!

BlueChica's picture

My name is Bethany. When I was 13 my friend came out to me that she was bisexual. That didn't really matter to me, I have always been open-minded to homosexuals and bisexuals. I will admit, it scared for a second because we were sleeping in the same bed at the time and I was to young to realize just because my friend was bi, it didn't mean that she liked me like that. From that point on, a seed of doubt was planted. I never really have liked guys more than friends. I constantly notice how girls look. When I started watching the show South of Nowhere, I started questioning my sexuality even more. A few weeks after that, I found out I was moving to Oklahoma. The move occupied me for a few months. Then summer happened so I was put off even longer, from lack of seeing friends, other than texting and talking on the phone. I came back to school and just threw myself into band and schoolwork. This guy started noticing me. We dated, but it didn't last long. I wasn't really attracted to him more than as a friend, plus he wasn't faithful. Now, two years after I first questioned myself, I found I still don't know the answer. I catch myself staring at my friends chests. My one friend is bi, i find myself thinking about her in a more-than-friends way. I am more confused than ever, and I don't know which I like, or if I like both genders. I have tried talking to my friend, asking her how she knew. She told me that she just knew. She made it seem so simple. I just would like some advice, if possible, letting me know how other people knew. I am way to scared to ask my friends, not knowing how they will react. I just would like some guidance from someone who understands and isn't judging.

patnelsonchilds's picture

WELCOME TO OASIS

I'm Pat, one of the small number of oldtimers here who tries to provide support and guidance to you young folk. You'll also see Jeff (the Supreme Being), Oldfoxbob, Howie, and (once in a blue moon) Adrian. Everyone else here that I know ranges in age from twelve to twenty-something. For admin questions, or to report any spammers, haters or other undesirables you might encounter here (very rare, but they do crop up now and again), you can message either Jeff or me.

Weekends can be a bit slower here than other times, but I'm sure you'll get plenty of responses soon enough. The key is, the more you post and share with others here, the more they will do the same with you. We don't judge one another here, and even though we do yell at each other a bit from time to time, we're basically a big, loving family.

I'm in a whole different generation, so you'll probably find the young 'uns' responses to this question more helpful, but in my case, I knew I was different from about 9 or 10. It just took me until I was 17 to get through the denial and confusion and really deal with it. After that, it didn't take me long to figure out that I liked guys and only guys "in that way". My one piece of advice would be to pay attention to who you have romantic feelings for more than who you want to have sex with or whose bodies you notice. It's almost always a better indicator of where you fall on the sexuality spectrum. Everyone is unique though, so I'm sure you'll get a wide range of feedback on this question.

I hope you have a wonderful time here on Oasis. It's a very special place, and one where you'll always be welcome.

Hugs,
Pat

_________________________________

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

WantsOut's picture

Trust Pat, you'll learn that

Trust Pat, you'll learn that he is the most incredible person ever... Other than me.

I'm Tim, I'm 13, and I'm gay. I hope to be able to provide you with support, and I know that EVERYONE here will try.

So don't call me mentally unstable and we'll be set for LIFE!

Oasis has been a positive force in my life for more than a year. I love this place more than anything else, and theese people more than many people in the Outside.

So come, stay a while. We'll always be here through thick and thin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your love is poison,
Arsenic,
and I wanna drink it all

music is life's picture

Welcome to Oasis! =D For me,

Welcome to Oasis! =D

For me, I never really was attracted to guys. I'm only 16 and started questioning around 13 and didn't really realize that I was gay until about 15. A light bulb just clicked or something. I can point out a hot guy and be like "so what, he's goodlooking" and thats it. But when I see a hot girl I'm like omg and start to get butterflies and stuff like that.

Oasis is amazing and definately helped me out when I was questioning and I hopefully it does the same for you. Feel free to rant, vent and just post random stuff!

Doctor Beastly's picture

Discovery

Hello Blue
To be frank, I can't tell you how to come to realize what your thoughts and body are telling you, but it sure can tell you what is desirable. I love Tina Turner's song "What's Love Got To Do With It" for some attractions have no understandable emotions connected to them. Do not let this tear you up just flow with iy. You will find your answer eventually.

bulldyke's picture

i agree with what doc beast

i agree with what doc beast said...we can't tell you what you think, or how you feel.

what i CAN tell you is that questioning is good. for a lot of people, it means that they are at least slightly bisexual.

sexaulity is a spectrum. on one end is being completely straight, on the other, being completely gay. i, myself, fall on the latter end, but surprisingly enough, most people don't fall at one end or the other. the majority of people have fantasized about a person of the same gender, as well as one of the opposite.

some people who are bi are way more attracted to one gender, but not exclusively. i have an aunt, for example, who has been living with her *now* wife for 35 years, and still defines herself as bisexual.

that all being said....it's confusing!! don't be ashamed, ever, of being attracted to another girl, or of having sexual thoughts for EITHER gender.

just cause a relationship with a guy didn't work out, doesn't mean you're not into guys. i'm not saying that you ARE, just that you shouldn't define yourself based on that (and he sounds kinda like an asshole).

and like doc beast said...try to not tear yourself apart over it. i know it's HUGE, but...you are who you are. when you know, you know. it sounds that, at the very least, you are bisexual, at least to some degree. that's a place to start. acknowledging that you are interested in girls, that's a wonderful first step.

:D you're doin great, chica! coming on here, facing it, talking about it, it's so important.

:) keep writing here!! oasis is a wonderful place. and PM me any time, to talk, or if you have questions, or whatever. :)

*hug* welcome to oasis!

Bulldyke
"As my mother always said, there's nothing that says 'stay out of my airspace' quite like a couple of F-18s." ~Rachel Maddow

Neutrina's picture

Hi, welcome to Oasis! I know

Hi, welcome to Oasis!
I know questioning your sexuality can be confusing and hard, but my advice is to not rush into a definitive answer.
If you're noticing girls, you're probably into girls. Doesn't mean you are or aren't into guys, and you don't have to figure that out yet.
I'm not trying to say that this isn't a big deal - but it really helps to let yourself go with the flow. If you find a guy you're interested in, date him, rather than worrying about whether or not you're interested in men as a whole. Same goes for girls. If you need a label (which I admit is helpful for coming out and will probably help with the confusion), look at whom you notice, whom you're attracted to, and whom you connect with most.
Some people seem to just know, but it's different for everyone.
Sorry, I know "go with the flow" isn't a really helpful or satisfying answer; it's just the one that's worked for me.

"When the people begin to reason, all is lost" - Voltaire

jeff's picture

Yeah...

I'd worry less about label shopping, and focus on living your truth. If you're into a girl, and you get a vibe that she'd be into you, go for it. And just worry about your feelings for her and the times you are having together. If you're single after dating a girl, and the next person that interests you is a guy, go for it.

You usually better off to live your truth, and when you're clear on what it is, it will have a label, sure. But, no one usually picks a label to help them define their truth. If you pick the label first, you may pick right, but then you're no further ahead than before. OK, I've decided I'm bisexual, now I can pursue girls? You could pursue girls without deciding that.

I think questioning is fine, but at a certain point it isn't a process, it's procrastination masquerading as progress. You've decided you need a label before you can live truly, but you can't live truly yet because you can't pick a label? Sounds like an infinite loop.

The best way to pick a label:
1. Live your life how you please for 10 years.
2. In 2019, look back at the people you've dated.
3. If they are:
-- All women, you're a lesbian.
-- Men and women, you're bi.
-- All men, you're straight.

The living comes before the labeling, though. Some people like the security of a label when they're coming to terms, etc., but it's sort of a philosophical dispute. Picking a label will only give you permission to do what you already can without one.

Welcome to Oasis.

---
"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

Maux's picture

don't rush to label

don't rush to label yourself. just be you! that's what'll be the best in the long run.

love, the Dyke of Otherworldly Happiness!

BlueChica's picture

Much Thanks!

Thanks to all the replies and other people I have talked to for advice, I have realized that I may not know what I am, but that is okay because I am still me without a label. This site really helped me come to terms with that. Thanks to everyone who commented!

ferrets's picture

hmmmmmmm...

maybe a ferret could help!

Bi the Book's picture

Trust me, I've been there.

Trust me, I've been there. And in some ways I am still there. I am 15 and just recently admitted to myself that i am bisexual. It's a tough road to take, but everyone questions their sexuality. I was in denial about my sexuality for what seemed like ever, and it just tore me apart. I tried to tell myself that it was just hormones and puberty and that I'd grow out of it. I eventually accepted myself, and now I am living a better life. Now I know that I didn't need labels, I would've been just as happy not knowing what I was. You still have time to think about it.

As for being scared about what your friends will think, coming out is a good way to figure out the true friends from the acquaintances. If you tell them and then they stop talking to you and avoid you, then they're not a friend at all. But if they don't change and treat you just the same as before, then they really are a true friend. You deserve good friends, so don't try to make the bad ones like you. Just spend the good times with the good ones. You'll be a lot happier in the end. Trust me.

And welcome to Oasis. <3

wilde_sapphire's picture

Welcome

I pretty much agree with what everyone else has said. Maybe you should talk to your bisexual friend more about it and she if she can clarify a bit more. A lot of people talk about how they just know and never had a question about it but usually theres a lot more to it. I knew who I liked but I wasn't exactly walking around with rainbow stickers. I was afraid to talk to my friends too but just know that most of your friends have probably questioned a little bit too whether they admit or not :)


Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to.

BlueChica's picture

I bet a ferret would help!

I bet a ferret would help! lol. Thanks a lot to everyone who has replied. I came out to my friends and it led to some of them coing out. If you want to know more just read my journal entry for today.
~Bethany