and i don't mean the britney spears classic.
i think i've reached this critical point at which i'm gonna have to decide if to choose sex or emotions. reason being is that tonight i'm scheduled to have sex with the straight boy. i had arranged this date previous to the night i spent with Ohad last night, and well...i've actually got a crush on ohad, i actually want him to be my boyfriend (which is a rare thing). i've been trying to figure out if it's "cheating" on ohad if i have sex with somebody else after our first date, and well even thoguh i don't know if you can call it "cheating" as ohad an i are not technically together...i do really want ohad and think that because of that, if i have sex with the straight boy it'll be a betrayal...and i don't want to do that to ohad. what i'm getting at is that though it might seem terribly simple to you, to just pick ohad, it's actually really hard. not just because of my physical attraction to the straight boy...but in the fact that if i tell the straight boy not to come it means that i'm admitting to myself that my feelings for this boy (ohad) are more than just sex....which i don't know if i'm ready to do. furthermore i don't like disappointing the straight boy, especially as i do very much like him and well...i deflowered him and i'm the only one he's got that even knows he's got a lean to the bi side...not to mention that as odd as it sounds when we have sex it really is like i'm teaching him...so i feel kinda bad about that too.
and what if its all in my head and by this time tommorow im back on the meatmarket and fucking my way through israel's male population?? i'm kind of stupid if i let some guy, even if it's ohad, stop me in my tacks and make me change my way, but at the same time it might be more worth it than anything else, if it pays off, if he feels the same, if he's not lying or just using me for sex. and i've obviously got no way of doing that. i hate how slow things move. i hate waiting for it like this...feels like life is just poised to kick me fair up the ass yet again, and instead of padding myself, i'm bending over like a good bitch.
grr stupid mind shut up!
ok ok...lets talk to ohad, see if i can feel anything in his voice and then cancel on the straight boy....can't say i don't take risks for love.