Is it possible to want to die, but not want to kill yourself? I mean...I wouldn't say I am suicidal...but I don't want to live. No...I think what I mean to say is that I don't want to feel. I think some people confuse not wanting to live and not wanting to feel. See...the thing is...sometimes I wish I was a cutter. I mean...cutters cut because they want to feel something. They can't feel without hurting themselves physically. I want to STOP feeling. I feel too much. I wish I could turn off my physical feeling and my emotion. I used to be at this point...I saw a good friend of mine trip and hurt herself and inside...I laughed. I honestly enjoyed it. And then I instantly felt like an asshole. I ran to help her up and I felt dirty. I guess that's how bullies feel, right?
I'm just so angry. I'm so sick and fucking tired of my life. Sure, I've got a great family...well my mom anyway. I mean, they care about me and love me and are all ok with me being gay and stuff. But it's just..everything else.
I've been so depressed for so long. I remember when it started. I had this cat, right? And her name was Minerva...she loved me more than the world. But she died. She had a heart disease and we had to put her to sleep. I was in like...2nd grade. And I remember going to school the next day and that kid Eugene (the one I mentioned earlier) pushed me and called me a name.
I remember looking up and all the other kids were laughing. And I realized at that moment...how alone I was. When I had Minerva...I wasn't alone. And then she was gone. Sounds stupid...a cat being the cause of my whole life lol And sure, I have friends NOW. But for years...I didn't and I didn't even have my cat to make me feel better.
God am I pathetic or WHAT?! hahahaha I dunno....I guess I secretly hate everything. But I tell myself I don't....and it's all better....