Dead But Breathing

Siovampire's picture

Is it possible to want to die, but not want to kill yourself? I mean...I wouldn't say I am suicidal...but I don't want to live. No...I think what I mean to say is that I don't want to feel. I think some people confuse not wanting to live and not wanting to feel. See...the thing is...sometimes I wish I was a cutter. I mean...cutters cut because they want to feel something. They can't feel without hurting themselves physically. I want to STOP feeling. I feel too much. I wish I could turn off my physical feeling and my emotion. I used to be at this point...I saw a good friend of mine trip and hurt herself and inside...I laughed. I honestly enjoyed it. And then I instantly felt like an asshole. I ran to help her up and I felt dirty. I guess that's how bullies feel, right?

I'm just so angry. I'm so sick and fucking tired of my life. Sure, I've got a great family...well my mom anyway. I mean, they care about me and love me and are all ok with me being gay and stuff. But it's just..everything else.

I've been so depressed for so long. I remember when it started. I had this cat, right? And her name was Minerva...she loved me more than the world. But she died. She had a heart disease and we had to put her to sleep. I was in like...2nd grade. And I remember going to school the next day and that kid Eugene (the one I mentioned earlier) pushed me and called me a name.

I remember looking up and all the other kids were laughing. And I realized at that moment...how alone I was. When I had Minerva...I wasn't alone. And then she was gone. Sounds stupid...a cat being the cause of my whole life lol And sure, I have friends NOW. But for years...I didn't and I didn't even have my cat to make me feel better.

God am I pathetic or WHAT?! hahahaha I dunno....I guess I secretly hate everything. But I tell myself I don't....and it's all better....

Comments

WantsOut's picture

I know exactly what you're

I know exactly what you're saying... I feel that a lot, and hopefull when I get to therapy that'll help.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your love is poison,
Arsenic,
and I wanna drink it all

Siovampire's picture

if i could afford it, i'd be

if i could afford it, i'd be seeing a shrink. but alas...stupid ecomony

bulldyke's picture

to answer your first

to answer your first question, yes.

this is NOT a suggestion, and if you do it, i will personally find you and dump your ass in AA meetings, but a lot of people turn to alcohol or drugs (okay, NA) when they don't wnat to feel anymore.

but, sadly, the best thing to do for all those damn feelings is to learn how to process them, and not feel...not feel like they don't belong to you. which is where the unaffordable shrink comes in.

speaking of therepy, you might see if there's an LGBT center where you could go to look into finding a therepist. they often have lists of therepists who will do work for LGBT youth for free, or at least at a much lower cost to you, which might make it affordable. therepy is really good for you, and from what you've told us about your childhood, it could do YOU a lot of good (and that's coming from a person who's been seeing her shrink for 5 years, so i mean it in a good way).

and no....it doesn't sound stupid at all, about your cat. i wasn't bullied as badly as you were, but for most of my school years, until i got into 8th grade, i was...outcast. no friends, no one wanted to play with me, and for a while, i was bullied. it might have gone on longer, but thank god, the girl who was doing it moved away. anyway, what i'm trying to say is, animals are the best friends a person can have. especially when you have no human ones, animals are the best. it's not stupid that you loved your cat, or that you missed/miss her, or that the loss of your only friend was horrible.

another thought that i just had about therepy/counseling is that you could go talk to your school counselor, and see if she/he has any advice as to where you could find someone who won't charge you much, if anything at all.

Bulldyke
"As my mother always said, there's nothing that says 'stay out of my airspace' quite like a couple of F-18s." ~Rachel Maddow

Siovampire's picture

oh no no...i've had alcohol

oh no no...i've had alcohol before but it does not interest me as an escape. X-P yicky. and drugs are a no no. I have been seeing my school shrink...bt the thing is that i have to leave a slip for her requesting permission to se her. and sometimes i can't see her on the days when i really need her. so it's like....ug....can't get help when i need it!!!!

and thank you so much for caring...*hugs*...i miss minerva....

patnelsonchilds's picture

Well, I am a (supposedly)

Well, I am a (supposedly) grown man of 43, and my cat, Raja, is my very best friend. He's always there for me, always knows when I'm sick, and let's me cry all over him when I need to, despite the fact that he then needs to groom for several hours afterwards to repair the damage. If I were to lose him now, I would be completely devastated. As he is now 14, I get worried every time he sneezes. So no, it doesn't sound stupid at all to me.

*HUGS*

_________________________________

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

wilde_sapphire's picture

You're far from pathetic

I feel that way often and just have to look at what's good not what's bad. As a cutter I have to tell you you don't wish to cut you just really are hurting badly and don't know what else to do. Desperation can make you have the craziest thoughts. Cats can be important friends to have and I'm very sorry she died.


Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to.

Splash's picture

not pathetic.

I sometimes wish I could shut off my emotions too.

Anyways... *hug*

~~~ the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses ~ e e cummings ~~~