Depressed Today, But Life Goes On

Anonymous's picture

Just found out I've got more than one person on my list of close friends who actually secretly hates me, except they've now come out of the closet, so to speak. So two of the people I most loved and trusted have winked out of my life in the past two weeks, and another whom I love and care about is now gone too - for a time, at least. I them all the best. I'm doing my best these days to get better and climb out of that "sea of despair" (to use a nautical cliche) Hopefully I can stay out and dry for awhile this time. It's a lot easier to try and keep others from drowning when you're not treading water yourself.

Anyway, I'm going to take a little rest to try and put myself back into a positive frame of mind, then see if I can't get the rest of my latest chapter edited. I'll pop back in and chack on everyone later.

Love and hugs,


Icarus's picture

i don't secretly hate you! i

i don't secretly hate you! i love you too much to do that. :)

<3 <3 <3

so for those of you falling in love
keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right
throw yourself in the midst of danger
and keep one eye open at night.
--"Elephants" Rachel Yamagata

bulldyke's picture

they're idiots. and once it

they're idiots. and once it stops hurting a bit, then i'll tell you that they don't deserve you, and you don't need them.

but since i know it hurts too much for that right now, i'll just say i'm so sorry. losing friends is the worst, and really, you just don't need that right now.

hang in there, pat. and if you need a lifeboat, we are/i am here for you.


love ya.

"I'm kissing you through the bars of this rhyme/When Julie, I'd do the stars with you anytime/Ah, Juliet" ~Indigo Girls, Romeo and Juliet

Riku's picture

I don't secretly hate you either!

In fact, I'm surprised that anyone would, you're a pretty awesome person, and I hope you start feeling better soon. *hugs*

patnelsonchilds's picture

Thanks Guys.

I undoubtedly overstated things a bit. I don't think these people actually hate me, but they've both made it clear that they have major issues with me, and deliberately said deeply hurtful things at a time when I'm in a particularly vulnerable state. I try not to judge other people's value systems, but in my own moral construct of the world, friends simply don't do that to one another - not no way, not no how.

If they should decide, at some point, that they've behaved abominably and choose to apologize, then I'll certainly accept. Whether they ask me to or not, I always try my best to forgive the people who've done me harm, because it just troubles my soul to harbor grudges. Of course, repairing the violations of trust involved...well, that's a bit more problematic. As most of you have probably figured out by now - "forgiveness" is a lot easier to accomplish than "forgetness".

Love you all.


- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

howie's picture

Friends that let you down

Forgiving people is important. Knowing where they stand in advance is sometimes tricky. As time goes on, with age we get better at that. We never really know how people are going to react, but a good friend is going to tell you their opinion. Hopefully with kindness and tact, anyway. If they don't and you feel it's meanspirited, tell them. ALL humans make mistakes. There are ways to disagree but still remain friends. And forgiving friends that have hurt you and are apologizing is probably in everyone's best interest. Sometimes there's a lesson in the mess to learn from. I have a lot of respect for a friend that cares about you, but is willing to give you the cold hard facts of their opinion. THAT is really hard to do. The intention to hurt, however, is another issue.

patnelsonchilds's picture

Either one of them can fix

Either one of them can fix things, Howie. I don't throw away friends like torn socks. I am not taking the responsibility this time, though. I'm sick of feeling guilty and blaming myself when other people decide to act like assholes. It's what tipped me over the edge in the first place, and I'm not having any more of it. They're the ones in the wrong, so it's up to them to make the effort.


- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

Morgan's picture

I'm Still Here

As distracted as hell, though. Still unemployed, writing short stories like there's no tomorrow, and a few other things. Hope things get better for you.

patnelsonchilds's picture

Glad you're still here.

Glad you're still here. Sorry I haven't emailed lately. I'll try and shoot one to you tomorrow. I'm much better now, thanks.


- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

Morgan's picture


It would be a drag to lose an author with such a valuable message.

A dozen nose pets for ya.


Adam A's picture


had a feeling if i tracked you i would find a post of this kind on here. going out on a limb but i'm guessing i'm one of these two "assholes". You conveniently forgot that it was in fact you that cut yourself out of our ....whatever you call it. You gave me an ultimatum...either I come grovelling to you in apology for whatever it is you think i've done to you, or you don't talk to me again....I think that's indecent. All i did was tell you how i felt, and rather than try and explain your side of it or work it out with me somehow you chose to go hiding offline and send me cryptic and fatalistic messeges...which i'm not tempted to respond to. then you come on oasis and get them all on your side, nicely played...and of course you're an administrator here, so even though i've been on this site longer than you have i opted out. I find it amusing too how precise you are at telling me what a shitty person i am, conveniently forgetting a little something i did a while back that has you these days alive and not decidedly dead...quite a short memory you have there. And of all people who should understand what it means to be in what you call "a black mood" seem to be entirely unable to tolerate it when people other than yourself have them. furthermore...still on the black mood issue...i seem to remember seeing you through quite a number of them...but here i have one and you head for the hills. Never mind though, you seem to be right as rain now...that's what's really important here isn't it?

Peregrine's picture

i think you are on your

i think you are on your man-period adam. just chillax, and move on!!!!!

"One joy shatters a thousand greifs" - - - Chineese Proverb

patnelsonchilds's picture

How Have You Managed to Reach 21 and Still Be Utterly Clueless?

First of all, I didn't mention anyone's name, or even get into any real detail, so there were no sides to be taken until you posted your hissy fit. I'd say that makes you the one on here trolling for sympathy.

Second, when I had my black moods, I tended to tell people how much I loved them (if you remember). I didn't get drunk out of my mind and strike out to hurt them using every bit of personal information I had on them to make sure I got the knife in good and deep. That hit me hard and made me angry, so I got yelled at you, but all I asked for was that you acknowledge, in some way, that you had done something remotely wrong and not do it anymore. Of course, you never do anything wrong, or if you do, you revel in the hurt and damage it's caused.

I'll never forget what you did for me, Adam, or how much I love the person you really are underneath that self-absorbed venom-spewing slag you're pretending to be now, but until that other person returns, I have no intention of letting myself be used as a punching bag for this one, despite the fact that you're clearly still determined to have a go at it.

As to my being an admin, you fall under the same rules of civility and respect for the space of others as everyone else here. If you break them, it'll be up to Jeff what to do about it, as I would not even try to make any kind of objective decisions about you. Being here for a long time actually implies more responsibility, not less, as people on here are bound to expect that you'll have more sense and self-control than a newly-registered 14-year-old. Imagine their surprise when the reverse turns out to be true.


- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

jeff's picture

Fight nice, girls...

What's the admin part have to do with anything?

"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

Adam A's picture

meow've got an idea in your head that is wrong, it isn't up to me to change it for'll have to do that on your own.
and for the are hardly one to talk about lack of maturity now are you? and nice going with the venom spewing slag...use what you know and press the right buttons....just like a real asshole....i didn't do that to you...and not because i can't.

patnelsonchilds's picture

Didn't do that to me? Of

Didn't do that to me? Of course you did. You started the whole thing on Live Messenger, then you continued it here. Perhaps your memory is a bit off because of all you'd been drinking that night.

In my previous comment, I said that a venom-spewing slag is what you're pretending to be, not what you are, and it's completely true. Anyone who reads your recent posts would pretty much have to agree that that's the role you've decided to play. I know and love who you really are, but for some reason, you hate that person, and you hate me for loving him. I hope that will change one day.

I don't know what idea you think I've got wrong in my head. You got piss drunk. You said really nasty, hateful things to me. You may or may not have meant them, (though as the Romans used to say, 'In vino veritas'), but they hurt very much nonetheless. Then instead of feeling sorry and apologizing for being a mean, insensitive prick, you put up your wall and and tried to turn it all around so it was my fault, and that's what you're still doing. So yes, now I'm being an asshole too. I'm tired of taking the blame for other people's fuck-ups, and I'm not going to do it anymore.

I've already owned what I did that night, and apologized repeatedly for you, to my friends and family and the cat and the UPS driver and all the alien beings out there in their little tin saucers. How many more ways can I be sorry without actually regretting having survived at all? Plus, if you recall (and it's a fact, even if you don't), I also tried to express my appreciation for what you did for me on numerous occasions, but you were having none of that. You got quite annnoyed about it actually. Just because I finally stopped saying it, though, it doesn't mean I stopped feeling it, but just because I feel it doesn't mean people get to treat me like shit whenever they get sotted and feel the urge to beat someone with a stick.

I'm sorry, Adam. I should have just ignored your response to my initial journal post and not taken the bait. You don't believe that I love you and miss you, but I do. True, I don't like this person you're pretending to be now. He gives you an excuse to kick every person who's ever cared for you in the teeth, and then rant about what mean, selfish bastards they all are afterwards. I know that the real you is a sweet, wonderful person, though, and I'm going to keep hoping you'll let him come back one of these days.

That's it for me. You can keep this up someplace else if you want, but I'm letting it go now and closing this post to comments.

My apoligies to everyone.


- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"