Hello oasis.

FalconWright's picture

I'm sad, and tired, and angry.
And once again I'm falling beneath everyone's notice.
Do i exist?
Am I a ghost? Fading in and out of peoples lives?
And why is it, no matter how hard I try, I can't get John's attention? (The man I lust for. When I'm not tired, sad, and angry.)
I guess I'm stuck the unsung hero.
It's a lonely existence when all you do is pick up pieces, yours, others, and no-one helps you pick up yours.
When you save people from physical or emotional danger constantly, and get nothing for it.
Not even a "thankyou".
When you do these things at least expecting when you try to kill yourself, if you fail somehow, someone will care enough to do something wihout prompting, and they don't?
Don't get me wrong, I can live without recognition.
But sometimes I could really use the odd. "Thanks man, you saved my ass back there."
Have you really saved someone when they forget about you?
But I'm stuck backstage, with my broom, cleaning up everyone else's problems.

What about me?

Sometimes I feel there's only one thing worth doing, buying a gun, and biding my time, and then cleaning house.

Hell, I might even get away with it.

And I wouldn't need to considering I'd likely be shot or shoot myself.

I'm so tired of being alone.

I'm so angry at myself, and at everyone who spends their time ignoring me for more interesting people. Even though those "interesting" people wouldn't lift a finger to help them.

And I'm sad because I'm tired and angry, and alone.

And I can't talk to John. Even though I feel there's no point because he's most likely straight. And I'll probably get shot down, because people take joy in shooting me down apparently.

And every time someone hurts me for fun, I get closer to the edge of sanity.

And every time, I edge closer to snapping the offenders spine.

And I don't want to. But I can feel it there.

And everyone says I'm not alone, but then they proceed to forget me.

And they say they're there for me, but don't find me bleeding profusely the next day.

You shouldn't have to CALL for help when your best friend is 10 feet down the hall. But apparently, I do. Apparently, when I go into her room at night, no matter how upset I am, I should get lost because in there.

And it's like that with everyone.

Everyone's proverbial room is closed to me unless they need my help.

And when they're done needing help, i'm turfed out.

And when I need help, I get to cry alone, I get to bleed alone, I get to curse alone, I get to drink alone.

And for a short happy period, it wasn't like that.

I wish I'd never met Shane.

You can't know sadness without tasting joy.

I strive so hard to find reasons to continue, and every day, I have fewer reasons.

And HE tells me, "Just go, just leave, no-one will notice. No-one notices if there isn't an uproar before hand."

And the other one says; "Take them to hell with you. They deserve punishment for what they've done."

And I agree.

And maybe one day, when I say "Fine, I will." I won't be lying.

Woe to all who've crossed me on that day, hope that it nevers comes, because there will be a reckoning.

And if that day comes I won't be me.

I'll be HIM.

And it will feel good.
It always feels good.

And that's it for me.

I have no idea why I'm writing this all down, A will read it. And get upset, and I'll feel worse.

But may as well write it down.

After all, "There's no time like the present."

Comments

Uncertain's picture

Hey there buddy Looks like

Hey there buddy

Looks like you're having a rough patch, I hope you're coping okay. Writing it all down really helps, and I read all of that and I find it disheartening. At the same time what you say seem to have so many layers (being sensitive is a good thing!)

Anyways, my advice would be love yourself before you love someone else. And this applies to friendships as well as relationships. It seems like you feel the need to help a lot of other people and feels betrayed when they don't reciprocate that kind of sentiment. So I think you should learn to be happy with yourself before putting yourself out for others. And also be realistic about your expectations of people too, don't expect too much - and at the same time be realistic about how much you can give too.

Being lonely is always a little hard, but it's also very natural. You're not alone in feeling alone? Damn, I just did a double-wammy. Well, just know that you will find someone, and it's okay to feel lonely and want company. However, don't look with the intention of someone to "complete" you - you don't need someone to feel whole and important.

And about those people who try to put you down, remember it shows more about their character than yours. Try and find people you feel more comfortable hanging out with, they'll be a better support group... and just ignore the jerks... really. High school is rats.

And go to bed! It's 11:19pm. Gosh.

FalconWright's picture

Ah but this is where it gets

Ah but this is where it gets complicated.
If I'm not helping someone, with something, I feel worthless.
To put this in a concieted sounding way, I'm a hero.
It's what I do, help people.
And without that... I just feel like my existence is completely worthless and hate myself for being unable to follow my way.

jeff's picture

So...

You put everyone first, leaving nothing for you. But that's an empty long-term strategy, because at some point, they move on and you're there finding new people to help move on....

But I agree with bulldyke, who didn't credit RuPaul for her advice, but I will: "If you don't love yourself, how the hell are you supposed to love someone else? Can I get an amen in here?"

---
"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

Uncertain's picture

Lol when you said bulldyke

Lol when you said bulldyke you meant me right? I just thought it was a cliched/general piece of advice - I didn't know someone owned/said it! (Just foundout who RuPaul was, thanks google)

jeff's picture

Oops...

yeah, you. :-)

---
"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

FalconWright's picture

And to continue raving.

...