I need a gun

centerfielder08's picture

This hurts too much sometimes.

Comments

ferrets's picture

stop.......

this please! i think about you, and not just when im on oasis!

ferrets

holahaveamuffin18's picture

eli, please, please talk to

eli, please, please talk to someone.
we're all worrying about you, man.
we ALL care about you.
& i know, it'll all get better.

PM me anytime if you want to talk.

hellonwheels's picture

trust me eli...

you dont. i have waayyy tooo many guns (thx dad) and i think about it waaayyyy tooo much sometimes. hope ur feelin better eli

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Siovampire's picture

...eli...you were the first

...eli...you were the first friend i had on here....please please please please PLEASE talk to someone and get help. i dont know what i'd do if you did something....permanent solution to a temporary problem!!!!
eli we all love you so much. don't make me lose my first friend....

Neutrina's picture

*hug* Hang in there. "When

*hug*
Hang in there.

"When the people begin to reason, all is lost" - Voltaire

Merric's picture

Please, Eli, keep holding

Please, Eli, keep holding on. We'll be here whenever you need us.

5thstory's picture

Eli, dear, please hang in

Eli, dear, please hang in there! *Hugs*

" . . . The sun does not shine upon this fair earth to meet frowning eyes, depend upon it." Charles Dickens

Adam A's picture

.

you have to stop and consider what saying this sort of shit does to the people around you. I know it's not a good time to tell you this, but you're being selfish, your suicide would very much hurt a lot of people around you, myself included. It isn't fair that you just say things like that, as if they're a natural thought or a passing comment, don't you realize it hurts all of us in the process?? it perks you up, all the support you get given, for a short amount of time, and then you come back here and reload, you've been doing it for some time now. These thoughts you've been having HAVE to stop, countless times people have told you to go and see somebody, talk to somebody, and you yourself know you need to, and yet you continue not to do it. now'st he time, my dear, to get ur ass up, get it into gear and seek help. i don't wanna hear none of this "parent's/phone" shit, use some initiative, stray from your usual course, one would think that saving yourself from commiting suicide is worth having your parents a little upset at you, nothing they can do to you is as bad as what you can do to yourself. You get me Eli? i'm not hearing of this crap again, didn't you learn anything from what happened to pat? do you want all these people who love and care about you here on oasis to have to mourne you? on top of all the shit and drama we all already have in our lives? with all our depressions and self-mutilations and complicated lives, you want to add that to our list too? and what do you think will be left once you're gone? do you think people will remember you fondly as "that poor guy who killed himself"? i can assure you it woudln't be like that, i for one, wouldn't forgive you, not ever, for having tainted my life as well as so many other people's lives here so badly. you understand me? death stains the lives of everyone it touches, permanently, and for you to willingly and knowingly do that to other people is just a crime. again i say to you, GO FUCKING SEE SOMEBODY, RIGHT NOW! stop evading it, stop being a coward, just pick u'rself up and hurl yourself at it, you know it must be done, you know it. when that thing happened with pat, eli, i was SURE i had lost my best friend. pat is my best friend, do you get that? i have no friends, i haven't seen my family in over a year, i sleep on a fucking sofa in my grandmother's studio and do my best to be invisible, i live in a country torn apart by war and one that might as well be foreign to me i haven't been here so long, and when that thing happened with pat my shitty life got put on hold coz i couldn't think of nothing but him, i could barely feel anything for fear of how much it would hurt once the truth sank in....and when it turned out he failed at killing himself...do you want to know what a relief it was? it was NO RELIEF AT ALL, because the knowledge was still there, the knowledge that pat wanted to leave, the in his heart was something so dark he would ruin the lives of everyone around him just to escape it, and that hurts eli, it hurts a lot. he's made an amazing effort since then, to understand the nature of what happened and to keep it from happening again, which requires an amount of energy from him that i can say with certainty you know nothing of. I say to you, hang the fuck in there kid, life's gonna hit you a lot harder than what it is right now, and the only thing that makes it worth it is love, and eli, love is the one thing you will find here limitlessly.

now i'm through being nice to you, until such a time as you are in therapy, talking SERIOUSLY about your feelings and being level headed and rational...you'll get no sympathy from me, because at the moment you are just not trying hard enough, you're not trying at all. GO and seek help, that's not advice or a suggestion, it's a statement, talking about it wont help, talking about it only pisses me off in fact, just GO AND FUCKING DO IT! stop throwing out statements like "i need a gun" on oasis, dont' you see what it does to other people??! if you want to talk about your feelings on oasis then TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS! don't sum it up for us with provocations like "i need a gun", it makes it obvious that you want us to shower you with attention, which we will, each and every time you say it, because we love you, but from now on, eli, the attention you'll get from me is not going to be the huggy huggy lovey dovey kind, it's going to be this sort of stern "get the fuck up and do something about it" attention that i KNOW you desperately need....as i said, until you actually DO soemthing about it, and then you and i will be cool again...got it?

and just so you dont' get confused eli, i do love you and care about you, or i wouldn't have taken the time to write this, and i dont normally write comments this big or serious, and i wouldn't have gotten as pissed off with you as i am, which is against my nature too. but eli, i'm not having any more of my friends kill or attempt to kill themselves...you got that?

adam

WantsOut's picture

Jesus Christ! Eli, don't you

Jesus Christ! Eli, don't you DARE do this! I can't one-up Adam, here, but seriously, Eli, he's right and I don't need to.

Death solves nothing! I know I sound hypocritical, but at the moment I'm not on an adrenaline rush and low on dopamines.

SERIOUSLY, don't do this! Life is precious! Keep it, love it, do NOT take it away! If not for yourself, for everyone else!

This is the most selfish thing you could do, and I cannot imagine what brought you to this point, but it is NOT WORTH IT!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your love is poison,
Arsenic,
and I wanna drink it all

Peregrine's picture

if life wer not worth

if life wer not worth liveing, i would not have been born. none of us would have. tell us whats wrong, not sum everything up eli. you are turning needier than my baby sister! eli if i have to, i will find your phone number and call you untill you have talked this out.

i agree with adam on most of his points, but i wasn't doing the lovey dove huggy crap to begin with, i was being a concerned big brother.DO YOU GET THAT, ELI? I THINK OF YOU AS MY LITTLE BROTHER!!! NO WAY IN HELL WILL I LET YOU KILL YOURSELF!

Go into the sand, and the dust, and the sky
Go now, there's no better plan, than to do or to die
Free me, pray to the fayth in the face of the light
Feed me, fill me with sin, and get ready to fight

centerfielder08's picture

Adam...I am getting help. 3

Adam...I am getting help. 3 times a week I go to therapy. I've already been put on medication (and my dosage has been doubled.) I might be put on an even stronger medicine soon.

I'm still fucking scared.
HELP ME DROP THE GUN.

centerfielder08's picture

Shit, I'm not literally

Shit, I'm not literally holding a gun.
...Though Iwish.
I need so much fucking help.

I want the cold metal touching my ear. And I want it to go off in my face.

Peregrine's picture

eli if you dont stop i WILL

eli if you dont stop i WILL stalk you through the internet. and hire a stalker for at your place.

Go into the sand, and the dust, and the sky
Go now, there's no better plan, than to do or to die
Free me, pray to the fayth in the face of the light
Feed me, fill me with sin, and get ready to fight

Riku's picture

Eli...

Stop it, you're scaring me. You need to get yourself out of this. I mean, I'm sure everyone here would get you out of this state of mind if we COULD. But the thing is, we can't. We can only support you. You have to do the heavy lifting. And it sucks, but it's true.

I'm so scared that one day I'll sign on and you just won't be here anymore. Put bluntly, suicide is selfish. SO many people care about you Eli. You can't find your place in the world if you don't give yourself the chance. I mean, all of the people you'll never meet, the loves you'll never have, the lives you'll never touch. It's not worth it to kill yourself. You need to stick through this.

Please Eli, for us, and for your family, and your friends, the people who love you, and most importantly, yourself and your future. HANG IN THERE. You CAN get through this.

WantsOut's picture

Eli, no. For God's sake, WTF

Eli, no. For God's sake, WTF do you want, hugs and kissies? Because I say that we've given enough. It didn't work for me and it's not working for him.

Eli, suicide is not only selfish, it's stupid. It is the most stupid and pitiful decision you could make.

You will not, as Adam suggested, be remembered as "That poor kid who killed himself", you will be remembered as the coward who took his own life instead of facing the music and playing along.

Eli, if you're for real here (I have my doubts, but hell, I'm posting, aren't I?) I'm gonna give you some advice Go into your room, lay down, close your eyes and sleep. Sleep all day. I don't care, it worked for me, I calmed down after sleeping for a while.

But DO NOT commit suicide. It's the most despicable and fucking moronic thing you could do to yourself.

None of us can make you "Drop the gun" ONLY YOU CAN. This is YOUR decision, albeit an easy one.

Live. Live. DAMNIT, Eli LIVE.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your love is poison,
Arsenic,
and I wanna drink it all

patnelsonchilds's picture

The Last Word on This Gun Thread (I Fervently Hope)

I have one more post to add to this thread. I won't close it to further comments, but if anyone has something more to add to the advice or support that's already been given on this topic, I encourage you to post it under a new thread with a less incendiary title.

Eli, I'm glad you're in therapy and getting the medication you need. It takes time for both to work, so don't give up on it. Sometimes meds have to be tweaked several times to find the ones that work best for you. It's a process that requires work and commitment, and we all admire you for taking the first steps to make yourself well. As long as you need us, we'll be here to support and love you.

Now, here beginneth the lecture. Forgive me for repeating myself here and there, but I want to make sure I'm being clear:

As far as what's been going on here on this thread...I see some have offered some tough love, and I'm going to add a bit more to it. We've all made it clear that we want you to get better, and that we'd all be not only very sad, but also very angry and hurt if you were to leave us. I was given the very same message not too long ago here, if you remember. I took it to heart, and started working on getting my shit together so as not to keep hurting all those on this site who loved me and cared for me. It's time for you to do the same. You're getting the professional help we've all advised you to get, and for that, we're all very glad. Now it's time for you to help us if you want us to be able to keep helping you. By that I mean - GIVE US SOMETHING TO HELP YOU WITH. Start writing journal entries again. Talk about the specific things that are troubling you. Tell us what's going on in your day to day life. Let us have something to work with that we might actually be able to make a difference with. Whatever issues you're going through, I guarantee someone on this site (probably many someones) has either gone through it already or is going through it right now. This is what Oasis is all about. It's a place to come and share yourself, your life...discuss your troubles, and help others come to terms with theirs. We also really like to hear about the good things if and when they happen, because it gives others hope and encouragement when they're having a crappy day.

I'm not saying all this to make you feel bad, sweetie, or to discourage you from posting or coming here. We all want you here, and I want you to be able to get the most you possibly can from this site. Part of that, though, is understanding what it can and cannot offer you. We are not a crisis counseling center. Oasis is a group of peers who hang out here... bitch, celebrate, create, seek advice and share love (and more and more often, lust). The few adults here are not professional counselors. We're just here to share our experiences, just like everyone else on the site, and offer a bit of seasoned guidance. If you need a lifeline to help you cope with serious, self-destructive urges between therapy sessions, I strongly urge you to call The Trevor Project (1-866-4-U-TREVOR), as others have already suggested in this thread. Unlike Oasis, they have trained professionals and volunteers to handle that type of crisis situation, and they, too, are geared especially for LGBT youth, so they know what you're going through as well.

I don't want to see the people here begin to respond to you less. No one wants to either...but that's what can happen when people begin to feel guilty and powerless to help anymore. I want you to come here, share the good and bad parts of your days, and let us offer you love, support and advice. If and when you are truly in a situation where you feel the need for someone to help you "drop the gun", as you put it, that's when you need to pick up the phone (and screw your parents' permission) and call that Trevor Project helpline.

We love you, Eli, and we've given you all the good advice we have on this issue. Now it's time for you to listen to us and take it. Do the right things...both for you, and for all of us here who care for you.

*Love and hugs from every one of us*

_________________________________

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

Adam A's picture

meow

eli you're not amusing me at all with this dramatic cold metal on my ear bullshit. whatever you're doing isn't enough...and i'm done begging you, do whatever the fuck you want, i'll just add you to the list of "assholes who betrayed me and broke me heart" once your dead, if that's what you want so badly.....congratulations.

Endymion's picture

Endymion

Endymion

Endymion's picture

Count me in

Count me in when you have a GUN!!!!!
Life sucks!!!! Can't take it anymore!!!!!