Last night was crazy to say the least. I dialed "911" on my cell phone and the word "Emergency" popped up on the top of the screen. So I didn't call. I didn't do much of anything. Just went to bed thinking of how I would do it. Today I woke up and...well, don't remember much of the day. Today I kept thinking of what day and whether I should wait until before or after my birthday.
I'm taking more meds now on account of the crazy shit going on in my head. As in...right now it's for anxiety and depression, though I may have to take an additional medicine later this week. It's not getting any better. The lows still feel just as low. Anyway...I looked back and all my poems from at least like fifth grade and on are "red flags"...I talk about taking peoples lives and "pits of nothingness." I wonder why nobody reported me. I also have numerous poems about bleeding mouths , which is ironic because lately that's an image that keeps popping into my head.
Anyway...on a good note....I can't wait for tomorrow. After school, I'm seeing this one girl who used to be my crush, lets call her H (she already has a girlfriend, though). Turns out, her mom is the person whos like my secondmom (no, not literally) and my secondmom suggested that I talk to H about what its like to be gay and stuff since H is really open. And H knows a lot of people who are trans so we're going to talk about my "Eli" transition. She's a really hot butch lesbian. Heh. :) . I'm excited for that.
Softball practice tomorrow, too. Some running / conditioning.
Hm...well, nothing's gone away since the whole ER fiasco, but I am a lot calmer at the moment.
an official apology goes from me to Adam and Pat. You guys are both amazing and I'm sorry I hurt you. I hope you can forgive me.
And Riku...thank you for saving my life by posting a warning here.