I'm Alive. Thankfully.

centerfielder08's picture

Last night was crazy to say the least. I dialed "911" on my cell phone and the word "Emergency" popped up on the top of the screen. So I didn't call. I didn't do much of anything. Just went to bed thinking of how I would do it. Today I woke up and...well, don't remember much of the day. Today I kept thinking of what day and whether I should wait until before or after my birthday.

I'm taking more meds now on account of the crazy shit going on in my head. As in...right now it's for anxiety and depression, though I may have to take an additional medicine later this week. It's not getting any better. The lows still feel just as low. Anyway...I looked back and all my poems from at least like fifth grade and on are "red flags"...I talk about taking peoples lives and "pits of nothingness." I wonder why nobody reported me. I also have numerous poems about bleeding mouths , which is ironic because lately that's an image that keeps popping into my head.

Anyway...on a good note....I can't wait for tomorrow. After school, I'm seeing this one girl who used to be my crush, lets call her H (she already has a girlfriend, though). Turns out, her mom is the person whos like my secondmom (no, not literally) and my secondmom suggested that I talk to H about what its like to be gay and stuff since H is really open. And H knows a lot of people who are trans so we're going to talk about my "Eli" transition. She's a really hot butch lesbian. Heh. :) . I'm excited for that.

Softball practice tomorrow, too. Some running / conditioning.

Hm...well, nothing's gone away since the whole ER fiasco, but I am a lot calmer at the moment.

an official apology goes from me to Adam and Pat. You guys are both amazing and I'm sorry I hurt you. I hope you can forgive me.

And Riku...thank you for saving my life by posting a warning here.


Peregrine's picture

man what about me? ive been

man what about me? ive been helpful too right?

Go into the sand, and the dust, and the sky
Go now, there's no better plan, than to do or to die
Free me, pray to the fayth in the face of the light
Feed me, fill me with sin, and get ready to fight

centerfielder08's picture

Yes, you've been very

Yes, you've been very helpful. I could not ask for a better "big" brother!

And ICarus...You're amazing, hun.

Peregrine's picture



Necromancy---- This is NOT what your mother meant when she told you to go out and "make some friends!"

Riku's picture

Hey, don't mention it.

Anything to keep you with us. *hug*

You go and enjoy yourself tomorrow, you hear me? That's an order.

And hang in there. Keep us posted. We love you and we're here for you. Don't you forget that.

centerfielder08's picture

I know, I know. But

I know, I know.

But seriously...you helped to save me. I mean, if you hadn't posted the warning, I would probably just be MIA from Oasis for a while, and if I had done something stupid...I'd be MIA forever and nobody would know the details.

Am I allowed to write what I'm thinking?

Peregrine's picture

sure just id prefre it if

sure just id prefre it if you would run it by me first. as your big brother that is an order! okay eli?

Necromancy---- This is NOT what your mother meant when she told you to go out and "make some friends!"

centerfielder08's picture

What should I run by you

What should I run by you first?