I'm having a problem being around gays

anaradam's picture

I'm gay but I recently having a problem being aroud gay guys esp. girly guy(I do have straight friends who's girly but don't have any problem as long as I know they're straight). I'm really nervous everytime I saw them around. this situation started a while ago and getting worst at the moment.

This morning I went to the bank and there's this guy came up to me and ask me if I need help, I talk to him but didn't look at him. I knew that I'm getting nervous because I was shaking and sweating as I wrote the check. I keep telling myself that's everything's fine and I have to be myself but I couldn't(I do want to be myself). the situaltion like this really stressed me out and it's getting worst everyday.

So please anyone, tell me what I should do... I do need help

If you want more information, just ask, I'll post later on this forum.

P.S. I do accept the different personalities between people.

WantsOut's picture

No you don't if you act this

No you don't if you act this way, you dolt.

It's called internalised homophobia, kiddo.

My cure: A bottle of vodka and

GET OVER YOURSELF!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your love is poison,
Arsenic,
and I wanna drink it all

Riku's picture

Or maybe...

He just gets nervous around gay guys the same way some straight guys do around girls?

Either way, he's asking for help, so I wouldn't beat up on him.

WantsOut's picture

Hmm... I really hadn't

Hmm... I really hadn't thought of that.

I'm sorry, I'm a bit of a jerk. Sorry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your love is poison,
Arsenic,
and I wanna drink it all

patnelsonchilds's picture

WELCOME TO OASIS

Tim, come over here so I can smack you.

Anaradam, I think Riku has it pretty close to right, actually. It might be less a matter of you not accepting them, and more one of them turning you on. These guys may be creating a combination of fear and sexual tension. The more you try to repress it, the more it's going to eat at you, and maybe begin to come out in unhealthy ways. I would recommend finding someone to talk to more about yourself and these feelings. If you don't have a counselor, or aren't ready to find one right now, you are always welcome to come and share your feelings here. You will get support, even from WantsOut, once I'm through beatin' on him.

Welcome to OASIS.

_________________________________

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

WantsOut's picture

I said I was SORRY! Jeez,

I said I was SORRY!

Jeez, Dad...

(MWAHAHA! I'm calling you Dad from now on!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your love is poison,
Arsenic,
and I wanna drink it all

patnelsonchilds's picture

I've been called

I've been called worse.

_________________________________

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

WantsOut's picture

I'm sure. AND I'M NOT A

I'm sure.

AND I'M NOT A DOOFUS!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your love is poison,
Arsenic,
and I wanna drink it all

anaradam's picture

What if I'm outed myself to

What if I'm outed myself to my family and some friends but not in public? None of them are gay though and some of them(My mom) don't understand gays at all so it is pointless talking to her then I think I need to talk to someone who's more in my shoes.

If at that moment I didn't feel attracted to any of them(or even if I was, I wouldn't have known it), and I don't think they were attracted to me either, is it possible to still being nervous? Do you guys used to have this feeling? and how can I make it go away?

P.S. I'm 23 years old, I knew I'm gay since 15 but just accepted who I am not so long ago, I'm not girly kind of guy(If these help). and wanted to be myself but I can't and I don't know how, I don't know what to think, I don't know how to act especially among openly gay guy. I'm really confused right now.

patnelsonchilds's picture

I think the source of your

I think the source of your problem lies mostly in being too concerned about how boys are supposed to act. As you already know, since you said you have "girly" straight friends, how well or poorly you fit into a gender stereotype doesn't necessarily say anything about your sexual orientation. In the old days...pretty much ending with my generation, gay men tended to behave a certain way depending on what part of the gay subculture they belonged to (drag queens, leather queens, S&M [stand & model] queens). Nowadays, though, the gay subculture is blending into the mainstream culture, so there are no clear lines anymore. In a way, this makes it harder for young gay (or straight or bi) people to find an identity, but it also makes them freer to be who they are comfortable being, if they can rid themselves of the gender conditioning most of them have been hammered with since birth.

Don't feel like you need to solve this all overnight. I don't know where you live, since there's nothing in your profile, but it would probably help if you could make some gay friends somewhat close to your own age. If there's not a gay community or youth center near you, try going online to facebook or myspace and see if you can find some others in your area. The only way to get comfortable with being around other gay people is to actually be around other gay people. Eventually, you'll see that it's okay to be "boyish", "girlish" or somewhere in between. It's also okay to be attracted to different types of guys.

In a nutshell, the two points I'm trying to make here are:

1. There's no hurry, and
2. Whoever you want to be, and whoever gets you hot...it's okay.

Just hang out here on Oasis for awhile, kiddo. You'll meet every "type" of person you can imagine, and you'll realize that amazingly cool people come in all flavors. We'll also help you work things out, cuz that's just how we roll here.

_________________________________

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

Peregrine's picture

woo hoo! go pat way to say

woo hoo! go pat way to say it!!! but i gotta shoot down your theroy. most gay guys still have those tell tale signs. for more info (scince i already told him) ask anaradam

Necromancy---- This is NOT what your mother meant when she told you to go out and "make some friends!"

patnelsonchilds's picture

Okay, but you're

Okay, but you're overgeneralizing. A lot of those "tell-tale signs" are intuitive, not necessarily overt.

_________________________________

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

Peregrine's picture

actualy they are outward

actualy they are outward phisical (subconcious) signs.

Necromancy---- This is NOT what your mother meant when she told you to go out and "make some friends!"

patnelsonchilds's picture

Whatever you say, Dr. Freud.

Whatever you say, Dr. Freud. :P

_________________________________

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

WantsOut's picture

Actually, Pat's right... I

Actually, Pat's right...

I hate to say it, but even READING the words "external physical signs" Or anything like that fills me with contempt.

But hey, it's your opinion, I can't bash it (Well I can, buuuut I won't).

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your love is poison,
Arsenic,
and I wanna drink it all

Peregrine's picture

they are subtl tho, so they

they are subtl tho, so they are kinda easy to miss. and i can prove it to you.

Necromancy---- This is NOT what your mother meant when she told you to go out and "make some friends!"

WantsOut's picture

Alright, I'm getting ready

Alright, I'm getting ready to start bashing away... *Raises club*

Go on ahead. Prove away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your love is poison,
Arsenic,
and I wanna drink it all

bulldyke's picture

yeah....what he said. lol

yeah....what he said. lol :)

like pat said it just takes time. i'll bet there's a bunch of issues that are causing your 'problem', but since i don't know you very well, i don't think i can really figure out what they are.

my advice would be exactly waht The Wise One (Pat) said, so just...listen to him.

you don't have to have it all figured out in one day, or even in a few years. it sounds like you're taking things at your own pace, and that's OKAY. it's perfectly natural, and normal.

so yeah, look for some kind of gay center near you, or just keep coming on here. we might just make you crazier, but i promise you'll be smiling while we do it :D.

haha, but seriously, this is a really cool place, and even if no one else has the EXACT same issues as you, we all care about each other, and now you're one of us, so we care about you too. :)

message me if you ever want to talk, or if you have any questions, or if you ever need anyone to tell you you're not insane. :P

Bulldyke
"As my mother always said, there's nothing that says 'stay out of my airspace' quite like a couple of F-18s." ~Rachel Maddow

Peregrine's picture

hey bd who were you saying "

hey bd who were you saying " yeah. . . what he said"

Necromancy---- This is NOT what your mother meant when she told you to go out and "make some friends!"

gaynow's picture

The one thing I can add that

The one thing I can add that I don't think anyone else said yet is that even if you aren't attracted to these guys per say, you feel as if you ought to be, maybe? Let me explain: I've found that since gay youth's dating pool is (or at least seems) depressingly limited, especially when you're first getting comfortable with your sexuality, sometimes when you meet another gay person you feel almost obligated to have a thing for them. Maybe you feel as if you ought to be attracted to these gay friends of yours, which makes you feel awkward and unsure how to act in their company. If that makes any sense.

Megan: "Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good."
Graham: "Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good."
-But I'm a Cheerleader

the mouse that roared's picture

So

I used to be a homophobe when I was in middle school. I had internalized homophobia from my peers, but wasn't vocal about it because my family was pretty pro-gay. But I remember thinking gay people were weird and, later, once I came out to myself and started coming out to others, being ridiculously paranoid about being seen with other queers. I would creep into GSA meetings, or maybe my heart would beat faster when I walked by the classroom door. The gay kid, I knew everyone was thinking behind my back. I was paralyzed.

I felt the same aversion to "negative" characteristics in others I recognized in myself. There was a smart geeky girl who moved into my grade who I avoided and who annoyed me excessively and unnecessarily. I feel like this kind of aversionary fear is usually rooted in insecurity with one's own identity.

It took me a lot of time to become comfortable with myself. I came out to a large group for the first time and became immediately more self-conscious, thinking that every straight girl I sat next to would think I was hitting on her, thinking everyone secretly hated me. Slowly that got better, but it took until I came to a college with a large queer community for me to really start being comfortable in my own skin. And I'm still not completely there. I'm going through the gay adolescence; I'm still vulnerable to other people's biphobic remarks.

It's a really long process to becoming comfortable with your sexuality. It really is. It takes time and gay friends and relationships. It takes talking about it and pushing yourself as far as you can when you're ready. It would be nice to have your new supergay self all ready and set to go, but it just doesn't work that way. I probably first checked out a girl when I was thirteen, came out to myself when I was fourteen, started coming out ages 15-17, and started dating when I was 18. Now I'm nineteen and pretty happy, but not perfectly comfortable in my own skin, even though I accept myself completely. Look to this website for support, post journal entries, ask questions you don't know--and also meet some real-life gay people and spend more time with them. That's really the best way to get over your fear. Internalized homophobia's a bitch, but we all have it.

<3 Good luck, sweetie!

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. --Anais Nin

anaradam's picture

Thank you so much you guys,

Thank you so much you guys, you all are so nice and understanding. Just knowing that I'm not the only one really help me feelilng better a bit. I think I'll have to try following those suggestions if I want to get better, I thought I was open enough but maybe I wasn't.. Someday I will.

If you have any more suggestion, please do tell, they really help me a lot. Thank you so so much.

P.S. The mouse that roar, I am so in your situation right now! which could make you insane sometimes.

WantsOut's picture

I'd like to say that I have

I'd like to say that I have many of the same problems... Not to mention paranoia on top of it.

Does anyone else feel like whenever someone is whispering they're talking about you? Or do you hate to be in front of anyone? Back against wall, etc.?

You've taken the first step towards being like me! *Bigsmilethumbsup*

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your love is poison,
Arsenic,
and I wanna drink it all

patnelsonchilds's picture

Thanks for that input, Tim.

Thanks for that input, Tim. As always, it was very helpful.

Anaradam, just think of Timmy as your little brother...who you have to beat up regularly. He likes that.

_________________________________

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

WantsOut's picture

NO! I am NOT a

NO! I am NOT a masochist!!!

I hate internet sarcasmm... It's hard enough for me to identify in The Outside.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's my name, What's my name?

Hold the S because I am an Ain't

-Mailyn Manson, (S)aint

patnelsonchilds's picture

Tim, you are the grand

Tim, you are the grand poobah of internet sarcasm. What you mean is, you don't like being on the other end of it.

Don't be upset. I only tease you because I love you.

_________________________________

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

WantsOut's picture

As usual, daddo, you hit the

As usual, daddo, you hit the nail on the head.

I know, it's just a little hard when I'm drunk on adrenaline (And a little something else...) and stressed from taking the FCAT standardised test...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's my name, What's my name?

Hold the S because I am an Ain't

-Mailyn Manson, (S)aint