In An Angry Rut

katieuncensored's picture

Me and Josh are having problems. Well, he doesn't think so, but I do. I'm very dissatisfied. I hate how we never have sex. I hate how when we do have sex, he never makes me cum. I hate how he never makes me feel sexy. I hate how he makes me feel when I have to ASK or propose that he makes me cum. It's as if I'm too gross, disgusting. I feel repulsive. Like my most private organs on my body are the worst in the world.

I know we're going to break up sometime, I just don't know when.

I've started to cheat on him. I feel bad about it a lot of times, but angry and not caring other times, like now. It's his fault. His fault I never feel good enough sexually for him. His fault that he can't fill my appetite.

I'm starting to hate my life. It's so boring and repetitive it makes me want to scream. And there's nothing, absolutely nothing I can do about it. I look up stuff to make life different and worth living and I get "Oh, go do volunteer work." Oh, okay. The answer to my problems. I'll just go down there in my invisible car with my non-existing license and APPLY! I could just shoot my mom for not letting my have my license sometimes. What the hell am I going to do when college comes around? I'll either be so inexperienced that I'll have an accident, or she'll want to drop me of to school herself. Fuck.

I'm suprised I'm not a murderer yet. That'd be something new, at least. GAH. That's another problem with Josh. We hang out EVERDAY. But we do the same damn thing, EVERYDAY. I hate just sitting in front of the TV and watching life pass me by. I really wish I would've just succeeded at killing myself sometimes.

My grades are slipping. I never feel like doing homework. I'm always tired and I never know what's going on. I'm just stupid. That's all there is. Why doesn't someone just shoot me? One less in the population. It's not like I'd do any good in the world anyway. I'd probably just become an alcoholic and waste my life like everyone else in Wisconsin.

And I still want him. SOOOO BAD. But he doesn't even know I exist. I'm not good enough for him.


Hah. I'm just reminded of a line from that one movie...

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Same is happening to me, hah! Maybe I will be a murderer.


jeff's picture


Well, break up with your boyfriend. That would be something to start with, then maybe that will cause other things to change. Of course, you make change happen. You can't wait for it to happen...

"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis