Is it harder for gay men or lesbians?

jmy's picture

people say that its harder for gay men to be out and accepted then it is for a lesbian to be out and expected.

Some say its equally hard.

What is your take on the situation?
Do you believe that its harder for a gay man in this world?
Or do you believe that its equally hard for all of the LGBT community?

Endymion's picture

Not sure

Dunno.i guess equally hard in some way.But males are held for a greater social maybe it's really harder for gays.u know u have more agressive fellows

Adam A's picture


where i'm from it was distincly worse for men, not that i think this should be a sympathy war...that's just how it was....lesbians were considered "hot" coz all the straight guys like girl on girl action and all the gay men affect....tortured. again, i don't think we need to enter an argument into who suffers're suffering isn't a measure of your credibility i don't think, and i would never dare imagine that lesbians don't suffer a great deal

underdarkness's picture

- - -

Very well said.

MrBlueSky's picture

I think there are definitely

I think there are definitely differences. It depends on where you are I suppose, but where I am there is much stigma towards gay men. Then again it's not like I can say I know what it's like being a lesbian, so who knows

jeff's picture


I think the difference is primarily that men, especially when they're younger, are more apt to be homophobic.

Whereas women aren't as threatened by lesbians, not to mention, women are conditioned to deal with unwanted sexual interest in a way that straight boys are typically not.

"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

bulldyke's picture

eh...i'm not sure. i'm sure

eh...i'm not sure. i'm sure arguments could be made either way, which makes me think that neither is better or worse, or easier or harder than the other...ti's just different.

and yes, i wll probably have a more rational, and better typed, response when it's not 5 in the morning.

"As my mother always said, there's nothing that says 'stay out of my airspace' quite like a couple of F-18s." ~Rachel Maddow

underdarkness's picture

I agree. It's not

I agree. It's not necessarily harder or easier for one group or the other but gay men and lesbians definitely face different troubles.

A lot of it depends on how the individual perceives what is happening to them.

Adam A's picture


made of plastic and elastic, he is rugged and long lasting, who could ever ever ask for more, love without complications galore, many shapes and weights to choose from, i will never leave my bedroom, i will never cry at night again, wrap my arms around him and pretend, coin operated boy, all the other real, ones that i destroy, can i hold a candle, to my new boy and i'll, never let him go, and i'll never be alone, go, and i'll never be alone

not with my coin operated boy.

jmy's picture

Porcelain and the tramps

Porcelain and the tramps :)

It is thyself, mine own self's better part;
Mine eye's clear eye, my dear heart's dearer heart;
My food, my fortune, and my sweet hope's aim,
My sole earth's heaven, and my heaven's claim.
-William Shakespeare, The Comedy Of Errors

Riku's picture


Around here, it's pretty much easier for lesbians. I've overheard crap about lesbians being okay but gays being creepy/whatever. And there are WAAAY more girls out about being gay, bi or whatever than guys.

I think in high school, guys are more insecure about their sexuality too. Because girls are more open to that stuff in high school? I guess. And you know, insecurity about such things often leads to homophobia.

Nanook's picture

Gay men are harder.

Gay men are harder. =]

Anyway. Life hasn't been hard for me at all. Except my asshole brother, but he probably would've been an asshole to me regardless of my sexuality. Sure, I've encountered homophobia, but that's pretty rare.

My life, at my school, hasn't been hard at all. I guess I'm an exception to the rule.

hellonwheels's picture

gay guys....

by far. like adam said tho, it could go either way n i dont want to get into a huge debate on it, but because lezzies are viewed as hot (as they should be :) ) by the str8 majority, and by society as a whole...they are waayyyy more accepted. dont get me wrong, they still go thru theior share of overcoming adversity and all that jazz, but the fact is that in most societies today, no matter where in the world you are, being a gay male is taboo.

im not sure if its because of the 'macho' nature of guys, the internalized homophobia we are brought up around, or male insecurities, but as a population, i think gay guys go through a lot more bullshit in society today.

sorry girls.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

bulldyke's picture

i totally get what you're

i totally get what you're saying, and for hot lesbians, it might be a bit easier....but for the vast majority of lesbians, who are no more than averagely attractive...this doesn't help a bit.

i'm going to sound like a flaming femanist for a second, but being made into a sex object doesn't actually make stuff easier for us!! it just means that dirty old men lear at us, other women think we're sex crazed, and mothers pull their children away from us because we're rabid sex machines who will corrupt their kids if not with "the gay" than with our sluttiness.

we enjoy no more rights than gay men, and while i completely agree that gay men and lesbians have very different struggles, i don't agree that it's any easier for one group or the other.

"As my mother always said, there's nothing that says 'stay out of my airspace' quite like a couple of F-18s." ~Rachel Maddow

Rachel_Girl's picture

Girls can be really bitchy

Girls can be really bitchy and backhanded. Now that I've got that out of the way, I think guys encounter a lot more overt homophobia. Girls still get their share though and they deal with the cattiness. All in all I don't think it's quantifiable.

Love Happens

Izy's picture

I have been on both sides.

I have been on both sides. At least from what I have seen lesbians get most of the harassment in the locker room. They are just seen as a conquest for men and they are usually accepted in the guy circles. Gay males get made fun of by 99% of guys and they are only accepted by girls if they like shopping. Its dangerous to go into the locker rooms if there are a lot of guys in there.

I would figure physically its more dangerous for feminine gay men and butch gay women. They are more out there, they don't "pass" as straight so they get the most attention.

howie's picture

Lesbians more accepted?

Just last night a group of us, all straight except for me, were hanging out having cocktails when one of the guys tells a story about his wife getting drunk last weekend and started making out with another gal, tongue, groping and all. They were at a club(straight). All were laughing on how Brian's wife likes women and he better starting performing better oral techniques, cause the lesbians know that art better. Joke after joke, it was more accepted for that situation anyway. Adam's comment is right on the money, though, even after the personal education on the subject for me last night. On the reverse side, last new years eve a straight guy kissed me at midnight at a straight party gathering(knowing I'm gay) and the jokes were to him about how it felt for him to be kissed by another man. No big deal, but there was more excitement about Brian's wife's lesbian kisses.

Maux's picture

in my completely unbiased

in my completely unbiased opinion(lol) i think it's equally hard. we've all got stereotypes to break and societies to piss off.....

love, the Dyke of Otherworldly Happiness!

underdarkness's picture

I disagree with the word

I disagree with the word "equal" here. Now, before people try to kill me, let me explain.

Gay men and lesbians face very different troubles mainly because of how sexist our society is. Lesbians are less likely to face hatred from men, for instance, because of the fact that most heterosexual men think that lesbianism is sexy.

Gay men are more likely to face social ostracizing from heterosexual men. Men are much more aggressive and therefore more likely to beat the shit out of someone for having a differing opinion.

However, women face many problems as well. While heterosexual men find lesbians attractive many heterosexual women find lesbians appalling. Some women that I know who have been very accepting of me have been disgusted with some of my lesbian friends. When women dislike someone, however, they are more likely to insult that person and cause emotional distress. The risk of physical attack isn't as likely as with men.

The religious issues are similar as well, but it really depends on the church. Where homosexuality is legal men are usually the ones who are murdered for it, women are often punished much less severely. However, in some countries lesbians are also forced into marriage with men after being outed.

Society expects something out of men and women. Men are supposed to be the provider of a family while women are supposed to care for the home and child. When gay men and lesbians break these "rules" there is quite a bit of backlash from society.

Of course the issues aren't equal! Inherently our society views women and men differently and it's no different for gays and lesbians. Gay men and women face VERY different challenges. That doesn't mean that both don't face troubles that equal out to be just as hard, however. It all has to do with the indvidual's perception. You can choose whether or not to feel discriminated against all the time. Or, you can choose to ignore the idiots out there and fight for change.

Adam A's picture


i gotta say i never like this thread...not this one specifically but this comes up every once in a while and it just gets eeeky....
i don't see the point of trying to figure out some sort of heirachy for most to least suffering....
in summation...lets say this...straight girls can be bitches
straight guys can be assholes (not the good kind)
and anyone not belonging to either group takes heat.
a note though: gay men can be bitchier than straight girls (just ask tim) and lesbian women can be more assholish than straight men....keep in mind...we're not and certainlly dont' always have to be the victim...i know that on a number of occasions i used my being a bitchy asshole to my benefit! :P

ReinbowGrl's picture

Where I'm from, there isn't

Where I'm from, there isn't much discrimination for either side. but I think it might be different if you go to the schools in the neighboring towns/cities. it was no big deal for girls or guys to be gay. being a slut on the other hand....

- - -
Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when our co-workers ask about your weekend.
- I had a GREAT time with...them.
Yay, now they don't think you're queer, just a slut!

kaj's picture

When I read the title, I

When I read the title, I thought there would be some huge, catty, bitch fight over which group has it worse, and then it would turn into the Sharks versus the Jets. There is a severe lack of bickering, though. I have to admit, I'm a little dissappointed.

Adam A's picture


i know right?

wilde_sapphire's picture


Some could say guys have it easier because "straight girls love gay guys" and they have "fag hags" as friends for support while bi/les girls just have the horny straight guys looking to see some girl on girl action. Either way everyone has a struggle coming out and usually issues with acceptance and it doesn't amount to much which is more difficult, we all just need to help each other out :)

Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to.

Adam A's picture


me and pat came to a conclusion about this last night:
gay men are really black women and
lesbians are really jocks with vaginas

jmy's picture

hahahaha! that my me laugh

that my me laugh pretty hard.

It is thyself, mine own self's better part;
Mine eye's clear eye, my dear heart's dearer heart;
My food, my fortune, and my sweet hope's aim,
My sole earth's heaven, and my heaven's claim.
-William Shakespeare, The Comedy Of Errors

underdarkness's picture

Wow, I love you, lol.

Wow, I love you, lol.

BlueChica's picture

I agree with wilde sapphire.

I agree with wilde sapphire. They are equally hard in general, but some suffer more than others

queercatholic's picture

Gay men more accepted...

I think certain gay men are more accepted. This is because like, every girl (seems to) have a flamboyant gay guy friend who acts like "one of the girls". I'm not trying to stereotype, but I have found this to be true. The most flamboyant gay guys that I know as EXTREMELY popular among the ladies, just because they seem to fit right in.