I am not skinny, slim, slender. I am not "beautiful" in the conventional sense of the word at all. You can't see my ribs through my skin. I am not "fat," although I have fat. I have a gut and thighs and an ass and breasts. So it really upsets me that I feel the urge to call myself fat. I try to love myself, and yet I hate my stomach and my thighs. I only ever talk about those parts of my body in half-joking commiseration with friends complaining about their own bodies. But my stubborn resolution not to buy into this whole stick-thin culture has me unwilling to attempt to "diet" (another thing that pisses me off--you don't "go on a diet," your diet is what you eat and you're always "on" your own diet). Or otherwise lose weight. Which is bad, because I'm not exactly fit and I ought to be. But see, I know that if I did--for lack of a better word--start dieting and attempting to exercise, it would be not to be healthy, but to lose weight and be more attractive. I hate that I'm ashamed of my own body. I hate that I'm supposed to dress to hide the way I look and that I always have to talk around sucking in my stomach. I hate that I try on clothes for my mom and she says I can't wear something because my stomach is too visible, or that she'll just comment that I need to lose weight. I hate that I feel like I'd be "pretty" "if only I didn't have a stomach." I hate that I feel like no one will date me because of how I look. I hate that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin.
I just calculated my BMI online. I don't exactly remember my weight--I'm within a couple pounds of it, I think. And at the upper value, I'm .3 BMI units into "overweight," and I'm not even sure if that weight is me being conservative. But like I said, if I did start dieting, it wouldn't be for health, it would be for my physical appearance. And that... can manifest itself in nasty ways, to say the least. I don't want to buy into that whole culture, I don't want to change myself to be able to love myself. But I think I also just don't have the energy, and so I'm using that as an excuse. And I'm not an idiot, I know that it takes commitment to a "diet"/exercise plan/whatever, and quite a while before any results are visible, and that the last places the fat will disappear from are the places about which I feel the most self-conscious. And I think I'm afraid that I will fail. I don't know how to do this. I feel like I can't talk to any friends about this, because it would be awkward, and serve only to make them self-conscious or awkward, give me placative assurances that they don't really mean, or flip out and think that I'll develop an eating disorder. And I just... don't know what to do with all this. I know Jeff will probably interpret this statement as me trying to foist all the blame onto society in general and let myself off the hook, so I assure you it's not that. Most of the problem is within myself, and I know that. But the whole mentality that makes it so difficult to deal with my own problems, that's not my fault. And so I say: fuck you, society.