It came back today after an absence I wish was longer. Though having said that no absence could have been long enough. Anxiety; had me by the balls all day, and now in the night it gathers strength.
I can hold it inside but it eats away at you. Everyone can read me....I used to be the big mystery man, now everyone knows exactly what i'm feeling. they know, when i'm happy, sad, angry, stressed, tired...basic things...but they can also tell when i've gotten layed...when i'm stoned...when i'm hung over...when i'm drunk...when i feel self conscious...
how did i become so transparent? it's not important.
Ohad, what was I thinking? I wasn't thinking...I'm not thinking...But i dont' want to. Love isn't a fucking strategy game...it's not chess...you feel it, you don't think it....that's what i always thought...so why does everyone treat love like a fucking spy-game?
University, I haven't the energy, it all just seems to stupid, so pretencious....like i need to clean myself after each lesson....it's so boring, so unreal...and art...it's art, it's supposed to be real...it's supposed to be meaningful....it's supposed to be felt...why can't i feel like anything is felt anymore...why does everything seem contaminated by thought.
oH God! i've become one of them homo hippie pothead artists haven't i? so fucked up, disgusting really....
tommorow is therapy....i don't want to go...why open up those wounds again...why operate on a dead body? best to let it rest.
Oh God! now i'm a fucking emo....
Don't trust this feeling, It misleads you, he might call and turn you into a school girl again....or a fucking cheerleader. so pathetic to let one's state depent so heavily upon another...pathetic and unfair to the other.
Patrick calls these 'black moods'....where you feel that nothing more remains for you. I wish i could stay and rest in someone's love, only i know not who to seek for that, i don't believe anybody loves me, nobody has shown me truth...nobody stays, everybody leaves, everybody.
i used to believe it was christian but he left, david wanted sex with someone else, nathaniel never intended on staying, I thought, at least i can always fall back on my family, right? wrong, they're consistantly not there, and they never will be. so what about friends? i have three, one when she's fighting with her best friend, one when she wants a boy to fondle and one at a safe distance. Career...what career? Nobody knows me or my work in Israel, and nobody listens if u'r not ultra "contemporary" (aka talentless smartass) and old.
I have fashion, dress to kill, except i can't be fucked lately, when i feel like shit inside i look like shit outside.
that leaves but one thing to fall on...sex. sex is easy to get, sex isn't going to leave me so long as i'm good looking. but here we are, ohad, back to the beggining, the cause of my reunion with anxiety and the reason i can't escape it with sex...becase i can't cheat on ohad...to hurt such a beautiful little thing...something i love so much...against my better judgement.
this is why nothing will ever work out, i'll fuck up every relationship i'll ever have, i'll fuck it up, and it'll in turn fuck me up, and so the cycle continues.
perhaps it's time to start again...start again and again, i've become quite the nomad, i think i've stopped and started my life about six times now, perhaps more.
eh i hate all this self-pity and negativity, it's repulsive, i don't want to be this way, i don't want this and i don't want to be happy, there's no good reason for either of the two...what about feeling nothing? that's always an option, a good one in fact, but that would be like an being hollow...i am what i am, and i am all emotions, i am all passions, i am all obsessions and love and hate and extremes and nothing in between will ever be me nor will it satisfy me.
nobody will ever survive this torrent, they'd have to be totally insane, and insane people bore me, as do sane people, i like unstable, volatile, addictive people with sharp intellegence and an enormous heart that is open only to me, with a sincerety that will only be revealed to me and revealed from the start...who doesn't play games, who'll want to know everything about me from the first night, who'll love me by the third date, who'll explore my body like it's the new fucking world and make love with me as if we're melting into one another....and who'll never tire of it...a person who'll never want to be separated from me physically or emotionally...who'll want to be my inpiration, who'll sit and pose for me for hours while i silently paint him, who'll teach me things i've never known and take me to places only him and i know of...who'll make a ride on a bus a magical adventure, who'll grab my cock in public just to watch my face turn red...who'll fight me when i'm being a douchebag and who'll give me a stupid nickname. someone i can be completely me with, someone to forge a new way with, fuck the rules, fuck what's smart, i want an idiot, i want someone who's every bit as stupid as i am and isn't ashamed of it, who embraces it and turns it into an art. does such a human exist? i somewhat doubt it.
I'll go and do something to distract myself some...maybe a walk on the beach....perhaps the cold wind and the cliff will blow the anxiety right out of me...or least make the world silent enough for me to escape.
and when i'll come back i'll keep going with my painting.
tonight i'll have to light a candle...that's the last line of defence for me.
sorry to be depressing....but then who gives a flying fuck anyway when it comes right down to it? will someone really do something? i mean really...
give me a fucking break, i know i don't deserve it, i know not to expect or hope for it.
this too shall pass...