My strange love story...perhaps anyone has advice?

Calvario's picture

I apologize in being new and going straight ahead to posting without any formal introductions or anything in case this is considered rude here.
I saw a kind of similar thread dealing with an issue I am wondering about and reading all the knowledgable and kind replies I thought you guys may be able to help me with this. (I know it is lame discussing personal problems with strangers but this is driving me nuts)

I am a 25 year old male and I have been in love with my best friend for many years now. The thing is I don't know whether he is really gay, although you will see from the evidence I present you why I think this is very likely the case.

This friend never had a girlfriend in school and we spent all our time together, we had a very close and intimate relationship when we were seperate from our other male friends. For instance we would watch movies and tightly snuggle against each other. I would try making a move by for instance squeezing tighly against him and to my surprise he would respond kindly by smiling or putting his arm around me. In fact he started the whole thing...I was never used to being touchy feely with my
other male friends touching for too long or even hugging was just taboo.

However, with this friend this was different he always seemed to like touching me and pressing me against him and giving me little hugs. So I responded in kind by trying to snuggle with him when we were watching movies and such. This guy was far from the stereotypical idea many people have of gay men, he was masculine and even a football player in high school. He was always very tender and gentle with me though, massaging my back or lying tightly next to me we would also do more "manly" activities like wrestling and just fooling around.

He would always make comments about how he never did like to be around girls, how he found them annoying and how he was not interested in them. I began hearing rumors that some of the other boys also said they thought he was gay since he was always very touchy with the other guys and especially with me. Even the strange rumors that he had an erection while on a sports camp with the other guys and they had to be naked for some reason.

I was on holiday with him once and we had our usual fooling around. Gently wrestling me into submission. He pinned me to the bed and as a joke I made a funny sexually implied comment about this. He fell down next to me on the bed put his arm around me and pressed me against him and he told me that he loved me. I was a little shocked and I only managed to get something out "like yeah you are my best friend" rather than just telling him how I really felt. I was 17 and still confused,
I knew I had a strong sexual attraction to this guy, yet it was still a little taboo for me to think of myself as gay.

Shortly after this, my friend fell in with some ultra religious types and he started avoiding me. Of course he now had a problem with all the touching since "real men" do not do these kinds of things and he also began getting annoyed because I had some more liberal views on religion. After he had told me that he loved me, things fell into place for me. I realized my feelings and what they were and for the first time I had to accept that my orientation would be "gay".

Eventually we had a fight and we did not speak to each other for a while. The last year of school was the worst year of my life. We both went to seperate universities, yet to my surprise later he contacted me and said that we should see each other...For the first time in his life he had a girlfriend now, although he later left her and found someone else.

We began seeing each other again and soon the friendship blossomed again. Later he moved to the same city again and we could
see each other again regularly. At one point he seemed to want to be around me constantly and would come visit me everyday.

We spent a lot of good times together now although the whole touching thing was now a little more reserved. Some small things did still
happen like a deep stare into my eyes one night when he slept over. Or he would put his arm around me and tightly press his whole body against mine.

He even still made comments about how he doesn't like being around girls all the time, including his girlfriend. I even sent him flirty messages praising how wonderful and gorgeous I thought he was. Soon he seemed to feel bad that he wanted to spend more time with me than with his girlfriend, he even remarked that he did want to be with me. However, he soon tried to see me a little less.

I really do love this man. Not only a sexual attraction but I love everything about him and I love the feeling we have when we are together. I am starting to think that we will never be together due to religious and societal influences and pressures. I really long to just touch him again and comfort him and show him my affection and love but I also try to stand back since he is in a relationship with that girl.

Sometimes I wonder if the right thing to do would be to let him go, since he still wants to be with the girl. This is very hard to do, since he wants to see me as well. I would rather be with him as a friend than not be with him at all. Nonetheless this is killing me, since I love him so much.
I feel sorry for the poor girl (they are one of those couples saving themselves for marriage). Even worse I don't know if he is really homosexual or not. I fear that I may have concocted a fantasy out of events that may have been completely innocent to him...

If anyone decides to read through this long story and offer some perspective or advice it would be greatly appreaciated.


jeff's picture


Sounds like a conflicted gay guy, but PLENTY of those get married and never act on it in any meaningful way. I mean, you don't want to be the "other woman" if he gets married, you deserve better.

That said, you didn't mention if he knows you're gay. Usually that's the easiest way to get him to open up. You go first.

At 25, with a strange relationship, you don't need to drag out the drama. Go for closure. Either drag him out or freak him out, either way it's progress for your life.

"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

Peregrine's picture

i second that motion. just

i second that motion. just tell him. also you could play hard to get. . . ;)

Necromancy---- This is NOT what your mother meant when she told you to go out and "make some friends!"

the mouse that roared's picture

Jeff's right. Are you out?

Jeff's right. Are you out? Have you dated anyone else? It sounds a bit like you turned him down when you replied that you loved him like a friend--and now he's more conflicted. So maybe he just thinks you're not interested.

Getting in between him and this girl likely will end in unnecessary drama. My advice is to a) come out to him if you haven't, and depending on how he reacts, you have a choice. If he doesn't react the way you'd like him to, are you going to keep this friendship or not? I know that you love him and you'd rather have him as a friend than nothing at all, but you might be waiting on someone who will never come around. At any rate, he has some coming around to do that your coming out to him may or may not help with. If he can't commit, move on. Keep him as a friend and date other people. Or, if your friendship with him means that you can't get over him, you might eventually have to let that go.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. --Anais Nin

5thstory's picture

I second Jeff. It does look

I second Jeff. It does look like this guy likes you, but he's deeply troubled. Sometimes all troubled people needs is a little push, something to incite them to take the first step towards freedom. Make sure he knows you like him. Don't be rash, or scare him, just give him a little time and give him the news slowly. Perhaps once he understands what you feel for him he won't feel so scared. Good luck!

" . . . The sun does not shine upon this fair earth to meet frowning eyes, depend upon it." Charles Dickens

5thstory's picture

Btw, I love your username. A

Btw, I love your username. A very evocative word...
" . . . The sun does not shine upon this fair earth to meet frowning eyes, depend upon it." Charles Dickens

oldfoxbob's picture


I agree with Jeff...drag him out kicking and screaming....You might start a conversation with "What would you say If I were to tell you that I was Gay?"
This may get you an answer you want or maybe not also. He will eather tell you that he would except you as you are or tell you that he would kick you to the curb. Either way you will get a start on things. It also sounds to me like you too are in the closet to him and your family/friends, am I right?

Time for both of you to come out and find who you and who he really is!
Oh and one last thing...Good luck, you two sound like you would make a wonderful couple. If things go well OR bad, let us know as soon as you can.

Genius is not a sign of intelligence, but rather
that of common sense. Humor is the best pain pill.

Calvario's picture

Wow, thanks for all the

Wow, thanks for all the comments/advice everyone. These simple things are actually the hardest sometimes! I will need to be brave with this but I agree actually that a bold move is the way to go. You all are very helpful and supportive, thanks.

demon32694's picture

It sounds like he feels the

It sounds like he feels the same way but he may think it's wrong to feel the way he does