Oh yeah, I'm gay...

underdarkness's picture

Have you ever been so comfortable with yourself and your sexuality that when someone responds negatively to the fact that you're gay that you're utterly blindsided?

Wheww, that was a brain full.

I was out with my boyfriend David earlier this week just walking across campus because the weather was nice and I convinced him that holding my hand in public would be fine. He's always nervous about showing any affection in public but for the past few years I've been pretty open about my sexuality. In a college setting I've never gotten any flak for it, people tend to be pretty liberal around here.

So we were walking around holding hands when this guy comes up to us and says, "Just a couple of faggots, huh?"

He was a big, muscular guy who I recognized as being a resident in the building where I work and I said, "Judging by your physique I'd say that you have a small penis, and made even smaller by the steroids. Oh, and I'm the guy who confiscated your weed last month. I know your name and I have access to your room number, social security number, cell phone number, parent's cell phone number and I also have access to your spare room keys. Don't fuck with me, I can destroy your college career."

He walked away, looking utterly confused. I was so proud of myself for that little speech.

David, however, refuses to hold my hand in public ever again.


I got to thinking about it afterward and despite the fact that I came up with such a fantastic response to that douche bag football player I was taken aback by the forwardness with which he expressed his hatred. I tend to forget that being gay is "different" until I read stuff online about gay marriage or come on Oasis and read about everybody who is struggling with their sexuality.

Part of it is that I'm remarkably stubborn. After I realized that I'm gay I spent about a year of denial. That was when I was thirteen. After that, I was okay with being gay. I wasn't okay with everyone else knowing until I was seventeen or so, but I was okay with myself.

When I was eighteen I came out to my parents and pretty much everyone else in the world. It just doesn't matter anymore.

David, however, didn't realize he was gay until he was about nineteen. He's almost 24 now and he hasn't come out to his parents and he currently has no plans to do so.

It's such a non-issue to me now, but when a situation like the one with that jock moron happens it makes me realize that I'm an outsider. It reminds me that people out there hate me for no reason at all.

*sigh again*

I hate being sad. I'm going to watch Scrubs to cheer myself up.


patnelsonchilds's picture

Revel in your outsiderness.

Revel in your outsiderness. As you have no-doubt noticed by now, "insiders" tend to be bland, colorless schmucks.



- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

queercatholic's picture

I reallllly admire ya man!

I really admire you and I wish I could be in your shoes! The struggle to be me and accept who I am could not be harder even if I imagined it and it gives me hope when I read journals like yours. We're noooot outsiders when we're @ Oasis though dawg 'member dat ;-)

oldfoxbob's picture


When I "played the str8 guy" I found that it was the most boring crap on the planet! Always pretending to like football, going to bars and be bored to death. Doing nothing at friends house and party's talking work etc. But when I finally came out to family and friends and started to live the gay life I found that life is really fun! The gay bars are much more lively, music is better, by a long shot. The friends can be ruthless but still fun. I dont have to talk about sports that I hate finally and last of all I found true love with a wonderful man who I have been with now for over 18 years. We travel the country in an RV full time now and camp at gay campsites and really have a lot of fun, friendship, and the good times. Why did I spend 30 years of my life in the closet? Damn if I can figure that one out...LOL...I am glad you and your BF have a good thing going, and Admire you for your openness about being gay.
Good luck on everything in the future.
old fox bob.

Genius is not a sign of intelligence, but rather
that of common sense. Humor is the best pain pill.

Sykes's picture


People can be such atrocious misguided ludicrous pricks sometimes. I feel for you and your partner. I wish this country could just be reprogrammed like a computer, would be much easier. ('Open' source, heh heh, nerd joke). I seriously think that, at least for quite a long time, a LGBT president isn't going to happen unless he/she(/it?) lies.
Dicks like him need to check what they say before someone strikes back, and not just with words. Sometimes I forget that people can have such hatred until I think/remember/hear about stuff like that, fred phelps, darfur, etc.

Hope u feel better!

-A lot of people tell me that I'm not normal,
then I tell them, "Define normal?"