should be going to sleep

DefyingGravity's picture

but guess what... i'm not.
i just can't stop thinking. i got to watch Rent today. i made my mom go get it from the video store. i think we have it for like 5 days, then have to take it back. anyway. i pretty much decided i'm in love with Idina Menzel. like ridiculously... she is absolutely GORGEOUS and her voice makes my heart skip i beat. fricking celebrity crushes. but omg she is incredible.
on with my rant. i had a dream about Arc last night... nothing like monumental happened in it, but it was still one of the most beautiful dreams i can remember. we were at some kind of amusement park, but everything was closed so we were sitting on this bench type thing and i took her hand and it was freezing so i warmed it up with mine, then didn't let go until someone called me over to talk to them about what meds i'm taking for some reason. so then i was walking back to Arc, and i was with an ex, Ben, and he just took my hand for a minute, threaded his fingers through mine, and then hugged me and walked over to his girlfriend. i glanced over at Arc and she looked like she was about to cry so i ran to her, put my arms around her and told her that he and i were just friends, that i don't even like guys anymore, i promised she was the only one i want and i'd do anything for her to be mine, and so then she took my hand and held it. her hands are so tiny, that i held hers within mine, hers was like in a fist, and mine curled around hers, protecting it. we headed home, and she and i sat together. she layed her head on my lap and tried to sleep, but couldn't until we got back to the school or wherever we were. she fell asleep against a wall, but then i had her crawl in my lap and i carried her to my house and laid her on my bed, and i changed into pajamas. and as she began stirring, i freaking WOKE UP!!! piss me off much. ugh. so that was my excitement of the day. freaking fricking... ugh...
oh, and i was talking to a best friend and she said she'd talked to my mom and my mom says she doesn't believe i'm gay. she says that she thinks i'm 'just trying this out because that's normal for this age' *spits on the ground* she thinks it's a choice. she said so when we talked the other day. she doesn't want me to be like this. she says she doesn't judge me, she brings up church things, "i haven't seen so and so at church" "our class on Sunday was so good, i love those kids" "they're getting married, and he wants her to leave the church"
ugh. she always pesters me about the most stupid things and it just pisses me off.
we're having financial difficulties, but of fucking course we have enough money to buy 40 stupid chickens and pay for feed and of course we have enough money to keep our 11 horses sustained with hay and grain and salt and everything, and of course we have enough money to buy knitting needles and 40-60 dollar yarn, and of course we have enough money to buy my mom ANOTHER pair of shoes, but no, we don't have the money to buy me socks or underwear. fanfuckingtastic.
does something seem wrong here or is it just me?
done ranting for the moment. night all