That lost feeling...

underdarkness's picture

I started dating my boyfriend David last May and everything seemed so smooth and perfect. When we got together was like something out of a Lifetime movie. We walked on the beach (granted it was off of Lake Erie at Cedar Point, but still), I told him that I wanted to be with him and he told me that he felt the same way. We went on dates, had tons of fun and we had a great balance of enjoying one another's company and being able to joke around and have fun.

After being together for two months he told me that he loves me. It seemed soon but I told him I love him back, even though I didn't. Not yet. However, I was comfortable with him. I was happy with the idea of loving him and being with him. I just couldn't bring myself to love someone I hadn't known for that long. We never started off as friends, we started off as acquaintances who found each other attractive. About two weeks after meeting I asked him out on a date and we spent a day at Cedar Point on our off days where we both worked at the time. Shortly after that we went that beach...

After I left Cedar Point to go to school he ended up transferring to my college. His home town is in the same area so reasoned that he would be paying less anyway. He told me that going to the University of Toledo was something he had planned on for a while to cut back tuition. I'm pretty sure it was for me. I didn't question it, I was just happy to have him near.

About three months into the start of the school year I told him that I loved him. This time I meant it. That night I gave my virginity to him.

We had a pretty laid back relationship then on. It wasn't exactly routine, but I was happy with him and he seemed happy with me.

After Christmas break we started talking about the possibility of marriage. He told me he was ready to commit. I bought simple silver engagement rings and proposed to him a week later. I was happy and he was too. He told me that he would never love anybody as much as he loves me.

A month later without any warning signs of discomfort he told me that he felt trapped. The term "engaged" was too heavy. He doubted his love for me and even doubted part of his sexuality.

When I asked him if he still loved me he said no. I told him to leave and we didn't see each other for a week.

He showed up at my door and told me that he wanted me back. I asked him why he didn't love me any more and he said that he didn't know but he wanted to learn how to again. We're back together right now and I'm so torn over the whole thing. When he told me that he didn't love me anymore part of my love for him faded. I'm so unsure of whether I want to be with him anymore.

The entire issue has sent me full swing into depression. The last time I was this depressed was when I was in high school for gods sake. I'm not at a risk to myself or others, I'm too narcissistic to hurt myself. I'm just in a constant state of sadness. I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid to talk to him about it...

I just feel lost.

Comments

Uncertain's picture

Sometimes people don't

Sometimes people don't really appreciate what they have until they're about to lose it.

I can kind of relate to how you feel when he said he doesn't love you anymore even though he wants to get back together. I mean the words "I don't love you anymore" don't just randomly happen.

I guess it just depends if you're willing to give him a second chance. It also depends if you think things can still be the same, or if you can handle it being different. Healthy relationships are about making 'progress' and at the right pace (although I sometimes find it quite absurd). Maybe ask yourself if you think there are still things you can build on and achieve, and if it's worth it. I know it's not always such a logical process, emotions tend to blur everything.

But talking about emotions, ask yourself the most important question - are you happy staying with him? Will you be happier if you broke it off? Although it's not always about you, he's already tried to leave once - and I think you have the right to choose this time. And hey... we're narcissists right?