I don't know where my life is headed. I've made a list of fourteen things that I want to do before I die, which doesn't involve the things I know I want, such as family. They go anywhere from running a choir to owning one of every instrument found in an orchestra (which is a LOT! Just in the percussion section there's about one hundred things. In the trombone section alone there is about ten different varieties not including quality).
I think I'm getting an idea of what I want, but nothing really seemes to stay in my mind... that passion is only there when I'm thinking about it. I don't know if it will just jump out at me some day, or if it will develop slowly, like a deep love for a partner. Slowly but surely I'll just never want to imagine life without it. Any ideas people?
I've also been thinking I should have been born in the Romantic era. Everyone was overly dramatic and delved into their worlds of emotion. They could be terribly distraught, utterly in love, feeling pure hatred, etc. and I often feel that way. I feel very polyphonic I guess. A million things are happening at once and each is as important as the next.
I love my girlfriend. I'm really worried about her. She keeps telling me not to worry about her, but I can't. She's been having a rough time to say the least, and I don't feel like I'm there for her enough. I feel so utterly useless.
Another thing. I found out that one of my bigger musical influences (Hildegard von Bingen) was a hardcore homophobe and was against masturbation. She's said, "God united man and woman, thus joining the strong to the weak, that each might sustain the other. But these perverted adulterers change their virile strength into perverse weakness, rejecting the proper male and female roles, and in their wickedness they shamefully follow Satan, who in his pride sought to split and divide Him Who is indivisible. They create in themselves by their wicked deeds a strange and perverse adultery, and so appear polluted and shameful in my sight...
...a woman who takes up devilish ways and plays a male role in coupling with another woman is most vile in My sight, and so is she who subjects herself to such a one in this evil deed...
...And men who touch their own genital organ and emit their semen seriously imperil their souls, for they excite themselves to distraction; they appear to Me as impure animals devouring their own whelps, for they wickedly produce their semen only for abusive pollution..."
I can't imagine how someone could think like that. I think that masturbation is a great way to get closer to oneself. God knows I do it. And I don't know about you, but I am severly hurt by what she has written. Then again, this was about a thousand years ago, but still. I just don't know how to handle this. Any ideas?