Two Kinds of People

Anonymous's picture

Okay, lesson time, children. Get out your notebooks and write this down. There will be many tests on it later in life.

There are two types of people in the world: Those who will do things for you because they love you and have a kind heart, and those who will do them so that they can hold them over you forever and make judgments about you. When you discover that a friend or family member who you thought was the first type of person is actually the second type, it hurts...badly.

How can you tell the difference?

  • Type one will wave away your expressions of appreciation or make a joke about them. Type two will seek to elicit them from you over and over again.
  • Type one will usually keep the things they do for others to themselves. Type two will tell everyone about all the things they are constantly having to do for their poor messed-up friends who just can't seem to get along without them.
  • Type one will somehow manage to make you feel good about yourself, even when you're at your lowest. Type two will take that opportunity to tell you all the things you need to do to "fix" yourself.
  • Type one will jokingly ask "What would you do without me?" after bailing you out of a jam. Type two will ask the same question, but they won't be joking.

    Despite the clear distinctions I have just drawn, it is not always easy to tell the two types apart, particularly if you have self-esteem issues. Believe me, though, it's a skill worth acquiring, because type one people will help you to become the person you truly want to be. Type two people will push you to become the person they truly want you to be.

    It isn't necessary to avoid type two people entirely; Just recognize them for who they are, try not to have too many of them in your inner circle, and only call upon them for help as a last resort.

    The lesson is now over. I would now normally give each of you a cookie, but because of the growing childhood obesity epidemic, federal law now mandates that we give out slices of low-fat government cheese instead. Enjoy.

  • Comments

    Icarus's picture

    what kind of cheese? also, i

    what kind of cheese?

    also, i love you.

    so for those of you falling in love
    keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right
    throw yourself in the midst of danger
    and keep one eye open at night.
    --"Elephants" Rachel Yamagata

    Merric's picture

    childhood obesity?

    You should have seen me when I was eight. I dropped to thirty-nine pounds.
    How about both cheese and cookies?

    And I see what you mean about "what would you do without me?" Sometimes it's hard to tell whether it's meant seriously or not.

    wilde_sapphire's picture

    screw government cheese

    Give me a cookie! :) Oh and sadly most of the people in my life now are true type 2s.

    Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to.

    toreador_18's picture

    This mouse doesn't want a cookie or a slice of gov't cheese... wants a muffin. A succulent muffin... : P.

    Gross and lame. I know.

    the ghost's picture

    Sometimes I worry that I am

    Sometimes I worry that I am a type two person. I really hope that I am not though.

    No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

    jmy's picture

    I really enjoy your lessons

    I really enjoy your lessons pat :)
    Your like the wise man of oasis!

    It is thyself, mine own self's better part;
    Mine eye's clear eye, my dear heart's dearer heart;
    My food, my fortune, and my sweet hope's aim,
    My sole earth's heaven, and my heaven's claim.
    -William Shakespeare, The Comedy Of Errors

    Nanook's picture

    Ugh.. Does that mean I'm a

    Ugh.. Does that mean I'm a type two? Like I tell people what I do. But not to glorify myself. With Jake, it just pops up casually. Like, I've been trying to avoid the fact that my grandparents were sitting on a hefty estate. And like, he asked me how much I had in my account, because he was telling me why I shouldn't pay. Like, I understand that normally, I shouldn't pay because I have no income and he does. But I have funds available! So I answered honestly, so that isn't bad right?

    And like, with people I don't like, I just acknowledge them when they have a problem. It's not that I ignore them, it's just that they're not that engaging to me. I offer advice, like, "try this. be honest! bar bar bar bar! etc." I don't come out and say "FIX YOURSELF THIS WAY". It's more like a suggestion, almost like a shrink, y'know? With people I like a lot, I'm usually giving them advice, unless they're upset. And I try and tell 'em stuff that made me feel better when someone told me. But usually I say it at the bad time (ooops! I'm sorry about that everyone!). I'm actually really bad at timing. But that's another story.

    Ugh totally hope I'm not #2.

    And as for the cheese, this is legit cheese right? None of that "cheese product" shit, right? So... I prefer Le Fleurie or Comté.

    kaithanxbai. XD

    patnelsonchilds's picture

    Honey, I think just the fact

    Honey, I think just the fact that you're so worried about being one means you aren't one. Offering advice is not the same thing as forcing it down someone's throat, which is more what I'm talking about.

    Also, sometimes what a friend needs is a good kick in the ass. Knowing when that is required is a valuable skill, and does not make you a #2.

    And for all of you...if you believe you're a #2, it's never too late to change. I am still learning and changing every day.

    - Pat Nelson Childs
    "bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

    WantsOut's picture

    "In all of the whole human

    "In all of the whole human race, Mrs. Lovett, there are two kinds of men and only two! There's the one staying put in his proper place and the one with his foot in the other one's face!"

    Sorry, I saw the title and I have a Todd obssession.

    Anyways, I think I'm a one, but I occasionally hold it above my friends as a joke...

    Like I buy people stuff for lunch, but I made a joke to Reynaldo that he had to pay me back, but I was only kidding.

    I don't think I brag...


    Your love is poison,
    and I wanna drink it all