I'm sad, and I can't get rid of it.
It sticks like burning tar, and every now and then I think it's gone, and then someone says or does something, the slightest thing, and I'm stuck again.
Even when Alex hugs me and holds my hand,
even when Glen grins his goofy grin and says "I know." Before I say something,
when Kurt talks to me and smiles, after being silent all day,
when Bash smacks me on the shoulder and says "How's it goin' dude?"
When Gabe says I'm cool and lets me in on top secret stuff,
when Chan Ghee says my work is good,
when Lindsey calls me a bitch and tries not to giggle, but ends up giggling anyway and I tell him he's an ass,
when Shem or Sam say my work is cool when theirs is so superior
when the girls put up with me bugging them when I'm bored (They sit behind me, who else I'm gonna irritate?)
when I say "Dairy run?" and someone always says "I'll come."
when I say bye at the end of the day and everybody says bye back.
I'm so sick of it all. I just want to be happy, I just want to not feel so alone, and I can't, I feel like all my friends are temporary, don't want me, or put up with me because they have to.
And I'm scared I'm going to be alone forever.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
I don't want to be sad anymore.
I don't want to be on the verge of violence at the slightest provocation.
I don't want to burst into tears when Alex goes to bed at night.
and it won't go away.
And I don't want to put up with counselling anymore, it's getting on my goddamn nerves.
I just want everything to go away!!!!