Why can't I shake it?

FalconWright's picture

I'm sad, and I can't get rid of it.

It sticks like burning tar, and every now and then I think it's gone, and then someone says or does something, the slightest thing, and I'm stuck again.

Even when Alex hugs me and holds my hand,
even when Glen grins his goofy grin and says "I know." Before I say something,
when Kurt talks to me and smiles, after being silent all day,
when Bash smacks me on the shoulder and says "How's it goin' dude?"
When Gabe says I'm cool and lets me in on top secret stuff,
when Chan Ghee says my work is good,
when Lindsey calls me a bitch and tries not to giggle, but ends up giggling anyway and I tell him he's an ass,
when Shem or Sam say my work is cool when theirs is so superior
when the girls put up with me bugging them when I'm bored (They sit behind me, who else I'm gonna irritate?)
when I say "Dairy run?" and someone always says "I'll come."
when I say bye at the end of the day and everybody says bye back.

I'm so sick of it all. I just want to be happy, I just want to not feel so alone, and I can't, I feel like all my friends are temporary, don't want me, or put up with me because they have to.

And I'm scared I'm going to be alone forever.

I don't want to be alone anymore.
I don't want to be sad anymore.
I don't want to be on the verge of violence at the slightest provocation.
I don't want to burst into tears when Alex goes to bed at night.
and it won't go away.
And I don't want to put up with counselling anymore, it's getting on my goddamn nerves.
I just want everything to go away!!!!


patnelsonchilds's picture


Maybe counseling isn't what you need, or is only a part of what you need. Are you seeing a therapist who is also an MD (as in an actual psychiatrist)? In your case, I think that might be the best thing. You've been working really hard at this for a long time, and your moods don't seem to be necessarily governed by the events in your life. That is the way I am, which is what first clued me into the fact that my problem was biochemical, not strictly emotional. I am just passing week four on my higher dose of meds, and I now literally feel like the entire world has changed. It hasn't, but the way I now see it has. There's still painful stuff happening in my life, but I no longer feel worthless and unable to cope with anything. It's like everything suddenly weighs less, if that makes any sense.

I am NOT a psychiatrist, and other than reading your journal, I don't know you all that well, so I wouldn't presume to try and diagnose what's going on with you, but if the counseling isn't making a difference, then I'd seriously explore the possibility that your problems might be more chemical than psychological. If you're already on anti-depressants, you might be on the wrong one, or maybe bipolar (bipolar people are commonly misdiagnosed as depressed and given the wrong type of meds). Or, like me, you might just be on too low a dose. The shrink at the hospital I was in just added one extra dose a day of the meds I was already taking, and three weeks later...WHOOSH...the shroud was lifted.

Just trying to give you some more options to consider, sweetie. I know how hard you're trying to make your life better, and I want to see you get there too. I'm always here if you have any questions.



- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

Peregrine's picture

wow i never though of a way

wow i never though of a way to put how i feel into words, but you did pretty well. i can put it in a song tho.

pictures of you by the last goodnight

"One joy shatters a thousand greifs" - - - Chineese Proverb