would you take the time to see my past?

Siovampire's picture

So for no apparent reason lately, I've been thinking about my childhood and how much it...well...sucked ass. lol I mean, like I've said before, I HATE whining...but I think now's the time to get it out. Let others see what my...world was....and what it is now...
I guess that looking back, all the hell that I went through in school was sort of a terrible...cyanide laced treasure. I wouldn't be as strong as I am now if it weren't for the evil bastards who thought it was funny to call me names and shove my desk into my gut as I was writing. I moved to this town when I was 6, so right at the start of first grade, but ALL of my classmates knew each other from kindergarten. So i was the immediate odd one out. And well...Eugene...that swine of all swine...the ringleader as I so affectionatly call him...decided he'd have some fun for the next 8 years. I mean, the first time he ever physically hurt me was not fun at all. I was ganged up on by a whole group of boys on the playground in 3rd grade...they pinned me to a chainlink fence and lifted me off the ground and proceeded to beat the shit out of me. (nice right?) and that was...horrible because I got in troubel for ANTAGONIZING them. take notes, ladies and gents.
But whatever. I never fought back..i sort of believed that I was worthless. A loser. A freak. And to a degree I embraced that, because at least I wasn't invisible, right? I had a label. And even when Eugene and his cronies would throw dimes at me and leave welts upon my skin...I smiled and ignored them. the problem was that I went through 6 principals in 8 years. So nothing was ever done. I would go to the administration pretty much 4 times a week and they would call them down each and every time. talk talk talk. and let them go. And I would sit in class and as they made their way to their seats, the would smile at me and whisper sweet little threats and tales of how much they "love being my friends"...god how they made bile rise in my throat.
I remember in 7th grade...we were in yet another one of those anti-bullying assemblies and I was sitting there in anger. I knew it was all lies...help kids like me. HAH! I wanted to spit in the speaker's face. And then as I made my way out of the gym, a foot comes out and I trip. My head almost hit the metal locker...an inch..less maybe. And I slammed down on my knees and looked up in panic. Eugene and Chris...their eyes gleamed as they smiled down at me. They laughed when they turned away to walk to class. I can remember just sitting down on my knees...and staring at the locker in front of me. And wishing beyond all reason that I could die. Just the thought very calmly passed over my mind "Wow...it would be nice...because this...isn't working for me..." just like that.
I didn't actually try to kill myself until the winter of 8th grade. And I picked a very nasty way to go too...lol...I was just about to jump into the frozen lake...like...i was on the railing, and then my ipod died. I stared at the blank screen and the silence hit me. I lookeda round and at the ice below me...and realized that my grandma was probably making cookies or something for me...for when I got home. I wondered what my dad was doing...what my little sister was doing...and I just got down. And I walked slowly home...just...counting the lines in the sidewalk.
High school is a blessing. almost every day, a moment hits me when I look around and I see people. My friends. FRIENDS. I have people always saying hi to me in the halls, wanting to hang out after school, wanting to sit with me in the caf. And sometiems I leave and go to the bathroom to cry...and for the first time I cry because I'm happy. My principal in my high school, on the FIRST DAY, called the boys down and told them point blank: you go near that girl and I will have you arrested. don't say a word to her, don't look at her, you don't deserve to.

I love that man lol XD

And I...know what it's like to love and to live and to feel free. I literally say FUCK YOU to those who don't like me for who I am. I hold my arms up to the sky and I scream sometimes. I Scream and I dance around and I love who I am and what has happened to me. I embrace the hatred that darkened my days and I release my heart so that there can be light in the new day.

"Life can only move forward when there are no more tears to shed."

and yea...so my rant is done...and i feel lighter...and if you're still reading this then...wow..i applaude you hahahaha i didn't mean for it to be THIS long...wow...and to think taht this isn't even half of my life hahahahaha

Comments

bulldyke's picture

oh fuck...i'm crying.

oh fuck...i'm crying. god...if i could, i would go back and erase every wound they ever gave you....i would take it all away, and give you everything you deserve.

i would, and i'm so sorry that it's not enough.

i don't have words.....i'm so glad you survived. i'm so glad your principal is a good man and that he's looking out for you, adn giving you what you deserve. i'm so glad you have friends...and that you know what it's like to cry in happiness.

Bulldyke
"As my mother always said, there's nothing that says 'stay out of my airspace' quite like a couple of F-18s." ~Rachel Maddow

Siovampire's picture

*hug* thank you...so

*hug* thank you...so much..for being my friend even tho we've never met or anything. it's nice being able to tell people this stuff without them judging me.
high school..i can escape..both physically and mentally. in elementary and middle school, i had EVERY SINGLE CLASS with EVERY SINGLE KID WHO TORMENTED ME. every day. every year.but now, i only have one class with eugene and i can escape to my friends or my mind whenever he's around.
thank you for your kind words...<3

MrBlueSky's picture

Wow you're incredible you

Wow you're incredible you know, you must be, to have survived that. And yes wow our stories are similar, but you were so much braver and stronger than me. I never told anyone anything, not ever. *hugs*

Siovampire's picture

thank you...it's just nice

thank you...it's just nice to know that there is someone who knows exactly what it felt like... :) *hugs tight*

Riku's picture

Man

Wow, I'm so sorry. Yeah, I know what you mean with those BS Anti-bullying things they did. I had the same trouble in elementary school, but it was from a bunch of mean girls who liked to see me cry, I wasn't physically picked on but emotionally, which is still pretty bad. And the school never did anything. I'd say something to teachers, monitors, whatever. And I was always told to "just ignore it" which doesn't work when you're 7 years old and hardly know how to deal with yourself let alone anyone else. My dad tried to get the school to do something but they never really did so he took me out to be home schooled. I'm lucky because of that...

But I mean, you made it through all of that, it's over now. *hug* I wish this kind of stuff didn't happen but it does. Maybe I should start something to get REAL help for kids who are bullied. Because nobody should have to go through that.

Siovampire's picture

I think that is a great

I think that is a great idea. I mean, they preach all these anti-bully ideas but they aren't realistic! I think that you should try something. GSAs and other things like ERASE are good too.

patnelsonchilds's picture

Ah, yes...

It all sounds very familiar to me, my dear. I had similarly horrific experiences in school, from 4th grade all the way through High School, that left me with serious emotional damage. Though I got out of my home town to go to High School, I said something about liking guys to someone who I thought I could trust in Freshman year (mistakenly, as it turned out), and my life was a living hell from that day on. I had a "Eugene" of my own, and I was at boarding school, so I couldn't even hide at home after classes were over. He literally lived just a few feet from me the whole first year.

These are the reasons I am here on Oasis. I have a form of PTSD that began back then in High School, so I can still feel all those same painful emotions and insecurities now, just as intensely as when I was fifteen. That's why I understand most of you, and what you're going through, as well as I do. Even though I'm now forty-three, the memories and feelings are not distant for me at all. I can close my eyes and experience them all just like I was there again.

Fortunately, most people's memories of such horrible childhoods and adolescences fade over time. Others wind up seeking counseling to help them come to terms with it. I take medication for my clinical depression, and for the painful, unresolved issues of my youth, I try to help you guys as much as I possibly can. For me, it's the best form of therapy there is. Obviously I still have my own demons to wrestle, but every time I can share something useful, even a hug, with one or more of you, a little bit more of that old pain fades away.

So well done, Vamp, and thank you for sharing your story with us all. You're clearly a survivor, and despite all you've endured, you're still a caring, kind person. So many people become bitter and cynical as adults, some of whom have been through far less than you. I think (and certainly hope) that you, like so many others here on Oasis, will wind up reaching backwards to help those kids who are struggling along behind you. It seems to be in your nature, if I may presume to say that, and I can't recommend it highly enough. Giving of yourself can be emotionally challenging at times, but overall, there's nothing in the world more rewarding. If more people took the time to find that out, the world would soon be in a much better state.

*HUGS*

Pat

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- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

Siovampire's picture

Again, I'm just grateful

Again, I'm just grateful beyond all reason that I can talk to you guys on Oasis about all this. And yea...I try to be optimistic and see what happened to me as experiences that just made me stronger...but sometimes I really hate the world. I hate those who live in it and I hate people who hurt others just to watch them crumble. I find myself becoming cynical sometimes and I literally grab my own wrist and say out loud "SHUT UP YOU STUPID MORON. You're alive and that's all you need. Forget and move forward, forward forward!" I know it sounds harsh, but sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me sane...