Abashed Without Reason and Inadequate With One?

Disney's picture

So I thought that I was beyond needing this, not that anyone 'needs' this, not that anyone DOESN'T need this. Maybe the developed world at large should be journaling more.

Anyway, my life is sort of on a good track, except my family's run of financial happiness (read: upper, upper middle class Canadians) has hit a downturn, damn. And I don't feel prepared for exams. But I seem to have sort of gotten what I wanted all year in the love department.

A boy, a wonderful, of course, smart, funny, well-off, future-set boy. He's in law school. Now, I don't want to be a professional (as in, doctor, lawyer, dentist, vet etc.), and I usually don't care much about money or academic achievements in a romantic prospect, at least as long as the person isn't without some sliver of either.

But now I sort of am, and I keep inadvertently mentioning that I'm dating a law student. I suppose people mention to me that their partner is in X and Y faculty, and he might say I'm in a nice faculty too, but all of a sudden in the past 24 hours I've started feeling inadequate. Kind of compared to him, and kind of in general. I feel Like I've wasted this year and as said before, I'm not prepared for exams...

I have a vague direction for my life path and grad school plans, but I also feel wounded by the fact that I'll slowly but surely see less money to spend and maybe even have to alter what I do by the time I come to graduation (vs. going into the reliable Masters program wherever...).

I know I've achieved plenty and will do a lot and that I'm smart, good-looking, well-off as well, and internationally cultured. And modest. And funny! Haha. But for all that, I feel stupid in so many ways, and I almost want to scream at myself for not BEING busier, since my new boy is quite busy (infinite law studies woo) and I wish I could see him more before this summer hits, but *I'm* the one with spare time (even though I have exams and AGAIN, could be studying for them!).

I just don't know. I definitely think this helped anyway, and I'll probably head off TO study now, but wow, my vocabulary feels so limited vs. just a year ago, my mindset seems so withdrawn compared to months ago, and I just feel like a more inferior person for whatever reasons I seem to have. How do I go about convincing myself otherwise? Maybe it's exams, maybe it's hormones, maybe it's me really stacking myself up to my new partner. I know that I can't go on feeling this way though, not that it's desperately tearing at me, but it feels terrible and not like me and makes me want to wallow and go crazy and just do whatever it takes to earn money.

I applied to a lot of things this year and only got one or two, when in the past I've gotten literally everything I've wanted, and some of those things were far more competitive than a seemingly simple university job or scholarship or appointed position. I know there's more competition and I might seek an analysis of my interview skills or something, but ugh. What the fuck do I doooo? And I really do like this guy and love spending time with him, but I just KEEP THINKING of how he has so much set for him, he will not have to worry about money, his faculty gives him loads of free stuff, and he's USING his talents - I feel like I'm wasting mine.

Blah, someone jot down some words and I'll be happier for it!

-xoxo

Comments

kaj's picture

I remember when I first

I remember when I first joined Oasis, your's were some of the more interesting journals. Not that that has anything to do with anything, but I thought I would just say it since you haven't written on here in a while.

It sounds like you're having a quarter-life crisis. Don't let those feelings pull you deeper down. Use them as inspiration to use your full potential. (That sounded really vague and like it could be on a poster in an office building. Sorry.)

What I'm really trying to say is: Shit happens. We move on.
Good luck in whatever you do.

:)

thinks's picture

I'm kinda wowed but what I

I'm kinda wowed by what I just read. I don't know you're full situation, but I feel like I can relate to you. I constantly feel like I'm not tapping into my full potential, but know that I have it. I don't care so much about money cause its not like I have an extensive amount of it or anything but either way that is just a thing, or a part, of any person, not their being. I feel kinda bad because I don't honestly recall reading any entry by you before. I'll have to read some of your past entries and make replies if I feel so. Be on the look out I guess. ;-)

Disney's picture

Thanks!

I appreciate the comments, I felt a lot better after writing that and am potentially back on the exam-studying train so yay for distractions until I see my boy again, and then I think I'll just kiss him each time I feel unsettled about any of the above stuff. And if that doesn't work then I'll just think about rainbows.

Realistically though, I think I was overexaggerating in some regards, since I'm only just done my first year of university sooo I do have at least 2 years before I'd feel silly about not using my potential, or at least knowing more or less what I want to do after graduating.

And I was thinking about how I can save money by eating less and staying in shape more that way. Yay. Haha, cheers.

You're Amazing.