So I thought that I was beyond needing this, not that anyone 'needs' this, not that anyone DOESN'T need this. Maybe the developed world at large should be journaling more.
Anyway, my life is sort of on a good track, except my family's run of financial happiness (read: upper, upper middle class Canadians) has hit a downturn, damn. And I don't feel prepared for exams. But I seem to have sort of gotten what I wanted all year in the love department.
A boy, a wonderful, of course, smart, funny, well-off, future-set boy. He's in law school. Now, I don't want to be a professional (as in, doctor, lawyer, dentist, vet etc.), and I usually don't care much about money or academic achievements in a romantic prospect, at least as long as the person isn't without some sliver of either.
But now I sort of am, and I keep inadvertently mentioning that I'm dating a law student. I suppose people mention to me that their partner is in X and Y faculty, and he might say I'm in a nice faculty too, but all of a sudden in the past 24 hours I've started feeling inadequate. Kind of compared to him, and kind of in general. I feel Like I've wasted this year and as said before, I'm not prepared for exams...
I have a vague direction for my life path and grad school plans, but I also feel wounded by the fact that I'll slowly but surely see less money to spend and maybe even have to alter what I do by the time I come to graduation (vs. going into the reliable Masters program wherever...).
I know I've achieved plenty and will do a lot and that I'm smart, good-looking, well-off as well, and internationally cultured. And modest. And funny! Haha. But for all that, I feel stupid in so many ways, and I almost want to scream at myself for not BEING busier, since my new boy is quite busy (infinite law studies woo) and I wish I could see him more before this summer hits, but *I'm* the one with spare time (even though I have exams and AGAIN, could be studying for them!).
I just don't know. I definitely think this helped anyway, and I'll probably head off TO study now, but wow, my vocabulary feels so limited vs. just a year ago, my mindset seems so withdrawn compared to months ago, and I just feel like a more inferior person for whatever reasons I seem to have. How do I go about convincing myself otherwise? Maybe it's exams, maybe it's hormones, maybe it's me really stacking myself up to my new partner. I know that I can't go on feeling this way though, not that it's desperately tearing at me, but it feels terrible and not like me and makes me want to wallow and go crazy and just do whatever it takes to earn money.
I applied to a lot of things this year and only got one or two, when in the past I've gotten literally everything I've wanted, and some of those things were far more competitive than a seemingly simple university job or scholarship or appointed position. I know there's more competition and I might seek an analysis of my interview skills or something, but ugh. What the fuck do I doooo? And I really do like this guy and love spending time with him, but I just KEEP THINKING of how he has so much set for him, he will not have to worry about money, his faculty gives him loads of free stuff, and he's USING his talents - I feel like I'm wasting mine.
Blah, someone jot down some words and I'll be happier for it!