after all this time, still unsure

missingalphabet's picture

hi, it's strange that i'm writing this because i've been telling myself it'd go away after a while. but i guess what makes it easier is that im not sure if i am what im continuously thinking i am. i do not know if i am gay or not. i can't tell if i'm thinking i am cause i think that i could be or just cause im thinking of it period. the truth: i dont want to be gay. but the bigger truth: i'd rather know for sure. i'm 20. i've only ever dated girls and had sex with 2 or 3 girls. i say two or three cause the two i count were continuous partners and the third was regretable haha...

but i am currently with one of the continuous partners.. the other was my first real 3 yr. relationship and i consider to be the best sex of my life. but even when i was with her i still questioned my sexuality. here's why.. i think i may have fell in love with a friend many years back, or maybe not fell in love, but had strong sexual feelings for.... wow, never wrote that down for people to read before... ever.

anyways, nothing ever happened. i told myself, still tell myself, this was nothing more than thoughts that were'nt real, or maybe i was confused. i am confused. i cant say anymore without feedback. so.. feedback?

and i dont want you to just so, oh you're gay cuz it's not that simple, i never really check guys out or anything, i'm mostly turned on by girls. more detail when i know someones gunna listen and talk with me on the real.


5thstory's picture

Hello missingalphabet, and

Hello missingalphabet, and welcome to Oasis. I presume you're a guy, right?

Anyway, I think that people's not 100% gay or straight, you know? There's a huge spectrum, and I feel that almost no one is at one of the ends -most of the people, on the other hand, is somewhere in between 100% straight and 100% gay... So I wouldn't really worry about having a label insofar. I mean, it could be that you're mainly straight, but you might like one or two guys... that doesn't make you gay -that just makes you a guy who mostly likes girls and fancies one or two guys.

On another hand, you can fall in love for people of the same sex (provided that you mostly like people of the opposite sex), without taking it to a sexual level. Hell, I'm a guy, I like guys, but I have one friend (a girl) whom I really love. Like I really love, I would jump in front of a bullet for her... nevertheless, we're not having sex or anything. So love is not always that kind of love, you know? It's love, of course, but it's different to love a friend than to love someone you might have a sexual relationship with.

In the end, there's no hurry to label yourself as anything... just go with whatever floats your boat, and don't worry about what will happen. If you're not in a hurry to label yourself, then don't: after all, it's society who labels people as straight, gay, bisexual or whatever... and if you do want to label yourself but you don't know where you fit, just invent your own label.

" . . . The sun does not shine upon this fair earth to meet frowning eyes, depend upon it." Charles Dickens

missingalphabet's picture

to be honest, sometimes i'd

to be honest, sometimes i'd just like to have a perfect cock in my face m see what's i'd do.
we try to find the life at rainbow's end, it finds the end of us instead and everyone we love..

hellonwheels's picture

dude, you just posted...

almost exactly what i was just gonna type...well, sort of, the whole being in ur twenties and not knowing thing, and the whole uncertainty thing. yeah. im still n0to sure either. life can suck sometimes.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

the ghost's picture

Confusion is horrible, as

Confusion is horrible, as clearly you are well aware. Well obviously only you truely know yourself and how you feel. But from reading your journal entry it sounds like maybe you are bisexual. You have had girlfriends, and enjoy having sex with them, so perhaps rule out the totally gay, but if you think you might like men then perhaps bisexual/bi-curious? Just because someone is bisexual it does not mean that they must be attracted to both sexes equally. They may like both but have a mild or strong prefernece for one sex over the other. Only you can really say for yourself though. I'm just throwing out there some thoughts.

I personally know I am a lesbian because it is girls that I am attracted to. Like I can recognise when a man is good looking, but that something, whatever it is that makes people attracted to other people is always missing. I only ever feel it for girls. For a long time I was confused and unsure whether or not I was gay or bisexual, but having looked back and assessed myself and my life I could not ever recall having feelings for a guy that I have had for girls. All my crushes have been girls.

So maybe weigh up who you are attracted to in general, like going on past experiences. Not just releationships, but who you crush on. I think it might give you a clearer idea. I know all this may seem overwhelming, but given time it does sort itself out. Good luck dude, I hope this has helped. PM if you feel the need.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt