Well I'm back to where I was in high school, concerning who I give all my love to.
That would be straight males.
I feel like a MASSIVE twat. You'd think after all of my wacky adventures concerning them, I'd be able to steer clear of them. This time is a lot like the last - you know, Mike who I was in love with for two years (read my old journal entries if you're unclear on the topic. For anyone interested, I ended up telling him, we had a small period of awkwardness, and now we're closer than ever. He's in Europe for a year backpacking with his girlfriend and we've continued our friendship through facebook. I love getting emails full of humour, advice and sympathy about our combined abortions-of-lives. Except his is set in Europe.)
So this boy will be known as Alex. Cos I think it's a cute name. And I don't want him to Google himself and have his name pop up in a VERY familiar story. So Alex is not the typical straight boy. He cares, and is genuinely interested in what I have to say. The first real friend I've had in a long time, defs the first I've made at uni. He's everything I want in a boyfriend - but then there's the obvious problem of what he prefers to stick his dick into. It dont' take a genius to figure out how and why my feelings have arisen, considering the context. So I don't particularly want to get into that.
I'm just so frustrated with myself, that this has happened YET AGAIN. It shouldn't. I'm not the desperate child I used to be in high school. I'm not a sad virgin anymore. It's like... I often think about what it will be like when I find someone I have that spark with. And I already have that spark with Alex. And of course, I'm going through everything I did with Mike. I get great pleasure from his company, but it hurts because I know I can't have him. I just fucking hate it so...so...much. Usually I try to stay up beat and on top of things, but when I'm too exhausted with my whole lot in life, one of my Big Questions is, "Where the hell is he? The lovely, homosexual boy that I have a spark with? Why isn't The One in my life?" Which I'm aware of being a very silly thing to ask the universe, because the rational part of my brain understands that there is no answer...but still. It seems so easy for everyone else, why not me?
So... I fool around with guys who don't mean anything to me. While I was off my chops on pills, I gave a guy a gob job whilst he drove me home. I fucked a 35 year old family friend because the opportunity arose. I can't cum unless I imagine it's Alex's cock in my mouth, his cock up my arse, him cum on my face. Which is completely sick. I'm aware that I'm not in love with him, but I definitely have a strong crush on him. It's a completely fucked up situations - sometimes I feel like I HAVE found "The One", and it's Alex. But...there was seriously a giant mix-up in Fate's office. They programed The One's brain the wrong way...so I don't know where that leaves me.
I've tried to stop this in its tracks. I told Alex one night that considering the garbage-dump situation that is my life, with him being a single ray of light in it, the context is the same as my last straight crush. And that I didn't want it to happen, and that I was somewhat warning him of what may possibley happen. He told me that that was fine, but in no uncertain terms, that he was straight and that nothing would happen. I was happy that we had this understanding. Yay for closure! But it still fucking happened. I became profoundly depressed, and came to rely on him heavily to help me through my day (which he was happy to do, apparently, playing such an important role in someone's life). Then I tried the tactic that if I distanced myself and didn't see him as much, these feelings would go away. But that went down the shitter after a period of working. I couldn't stop thinking about him, and he was wondering what he'd done wrong.
I also had a very vivid sex dream about him recently. In it, he kissed me, taking me by surprise. We started a relationship, we had sex - crazy, amazing, fulfilling sex. When I woke up, I was intensely disappointed and sad because for a little while, even if only in my head, I had everything I wanted. I was completely satisfied and happy for the first time in a long time.
I'm 18 years old, with two previous significant straight crushes, a failed 3-week relationship and multiple sexual encounters (many under the influence of some substance or another) under my belt....and I really need some advice. Can someone please just tell me what to do about this? Write it out in list form, draw a diagram, anything. Please. I would be so grateful.
Thanks, peace out lovers.