I'm totally Confused but I had a wakeup call

spencer1161968's picture

My story is a long one but I will try to make it as short as possable. I'm a male and I have no women friends, and my only friend now is straight. I've been getting my sexual needs met for 20 years at gay sex clubs in dark rooms. My condom broke this time and I have not been diagnosed with hiv but I'm on pcp medication to help reduce the risk.

For the most part I guess since I've been in elementry school I love my feeling of isolation. When I've had some male straight friends and the ending of near I obessessed about it so much it was almost like I was gay or in love with them. I will admit with some of them there was some phyical attraction but nothing ever was mentioned. Also As far as women were concerned I never learned how to talk with them and they were always rejecting so my social life evolved around males. I went to Military school and I got kicked out for having sex on the football field with an very overweight girl at about 13 years of age. After that I had a friend in NYC that lived in a gay area (me not knowing about this stuff) who intruduced me to Jerking off with eachother, and I can remember thats what I looked forward to when I saw him. they were Jo races.

With some of my striaght friends on LI we used to go out and try to pick up girls to have sex with. I was always shy or I didn't know how to talk with them or too overweight. I had no to sexaul feelings tawards my friends But it was funny anyone that found a girl and I didn't I got very angry about. After a few of those times when my male friend would pick up a girl and I would get angry about it is when I started thinking I was gay.

Thinking back to when I was younger I was thinking about the JO races but I wasn't not friends with this kid anymore so I started going to sex clubs in NYC. My attitude was when in Rome do as the Romans do or people in jail do it so why not. One exprence I had was with an 18 year old guy who was smooth as anything but fem. He was my first guy who I was attracted to that I had intercouse with, with me as the top. when I went to say good bye he forcefully frenched kissed me I can't tell you for how many years I had extreem flashbacks of that kiss. Any guy I looked at that tape would replay. there was a time my father was comming up from Flroida to NY to visit and I couldnt have him over because I didn't want that tape to be played. After 3-4 years that went away. But Little did I know even after that sex clubs would become my past time when I had free time. I'm not attrtacted to men I'm attracted to twinks to put it in a nutshell. I've even hired some of them. Now comes the messed up part Today
I can look at a picture I see this twink I say oh wow I want sex with him but once I see hair on the chest and legs or even big penis that breaks the whole fantacy. But I love a a certain kind of butt. I just like the outer appearance and if they are a bottom thats great.

I have this one friend in New york who I met in a sex addicts meeting who was unsure about his sexuality and even was acting out with guys while married. After so many ears he has a perminante relationship with a guy and is very happy. I'm very happy for him. When I take a look at those pictures of them of holding hands and all of that it doesn't make feel comfortable like this is not right. Yet I also know at the same time if I put those boundries down for myself any piece of love and affection would go over on me very well because I'm so deprived.

Put it quite bluntly I dont want to be gay But yet I've had sex in the sex clubs for 20 years I'm on aol looking for twinks and I"m very sensitive person and go crazy about rejection. Being alone is easy I work I do my business and go home and I don't have to deal with this stuff. The HIV Counslor said to me two things I run from crowds and I'm hiding that kind of broke me down so now I'm writing this.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what direction to go in to confirm my sexuality or any other suggestions that I might not even thinking of.
I konw this is a long story trust me I cut it short

Niwa's picture

Uhm, maybe you should try

Uhm, maybe you should try counseling? I don't think anyone here is a professional that can really help you, since you have some issues about being gay, and about your "taste" in men, you will not find love if you don't learn to expand your taste.

Peregrine's picture

i think adam might have some

i think adam might have some sex tips but that is about as close as you might get. most of us are virgin/nonvirgin teens. so we dont even know about half this stuff. i am a virgin teen and i always try to give out advice to those that ask for it, but i am a little out of my depth with this one.

"Love is patent. Love is kind." I will wait for you and I to be together. I will wait untill the end of the earth if I must!

jeff's picture


Yeah, 20+ years of mangina sounds pretty gay, not sure what the mental hiccup is. Religion? Family?

You're not attracted to men, just twinks? Umm, twinks = males = cocks, so not sure what difference any of this has on whether you're gay. Twinks make anyone as gay as if they like big, butch leather daddies. Usually straighter, married guys try to use shemales as the bridge to their queer tendencies, since then it looks like a girl, has tits, but then you still get dick. You're further along, just liking more feminine boys, but at least they're boys, AND you're not hurting innocent, clueless women in the process who are home with the kids thinking you're working late or somesuch (well, you didn't post anything like that).

Sounds like most of your sexual interaction has been with guys, so not sure how much there is to figure out here. I can confirm that the majority of heterosexual men have not had 20-ish years of gay sex. Let me rephrase that, no truly heterosexual men have had 20 years of gay sex. Delusional not-straight men who are actually just gay only do this.

Also, if you're a top (and with your hangups, honestly, what else would you be?), and your condom broke, that's pretty low-risk as far as infection. Nothing's perfect, but bottom-to-top infection is far less likely.

As for next steps, I guess my question is what's the hold-up? Why can't you line your head up with what you and your dick have been doing for two decades? God? Dad? Masculinity? Some issue there.

Therapy is definitely the way to go. But I think you know the answer. Being gay isn't the issue, what's keeping you from accepting it is...

"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

spencer1161968's picture

I somewhat agree

Theraphy is a must As far as what Jeff said the issue is 97% of the guys I'm not phyically attracted to, just certain types of twinks. I also have an attraction to women I just don't talk with them.

Yes I've been in sex clubs for about 20 years yet I don't like to give oral nor will I bottom I'm not into hair and I'm not into a romantic sceen with men. However I can most certainly understand how one might just say if your going to sex clubs you are deffinitly gay. however there are a lot of things that don't attract me either so the only way to do this is to try it or maybe try both and see which one I like better.

Yet I will admit with certain twinks or younger guys (above 18) I'm not a pedo I do have a fantacy of a close bonding I just don't know about a the romantic thing. I guess I am going to have to go for therapy

thank you for your support

jeff's picture

Umm, OK...

Well, I know why you like younger guys. That is because closeted people do not emotionally mature. So, I knew I was gay at 15, but came out at 23. So, when I came out at 23, I was 23 years old physically, but since I had held back my gay feelings at 15, I was emotionally 15 and more able to relate to teens than people my actual age. But, you can catch up over a short period of time, and then find guys your own age attractive. I also think this is why priests end up banging teens.

If you want guys from 18-20, you probably first acknowledged your interest in guys around that age, so they are still your "peers" emotionally and who you were first attracted to. And, at that age, guys are usually pretty hairless. Since you're emotionally stunted for two decades now, you're locked in at that age.

Not to mention, we are in a culture that still finds that the ideal age, and has half-naked guys that age walking around Abercrombie and Fitch stores, etc.

So, you don't bond with men and can't talk to women, but you can sleep with men with all your mental baggage and rules (no active oral, no hair, no bottoming, etc.), but have no romantic attachments to either?

Yeah, go directly to therapy. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

spencer1161968's picture

It's not about rules

For me personally I don't like the feeling of being dominated by having a cock up my butt and I don't like sperm in my mouth. And let me ask you is it a crime that I'm not attracted to younger guys that have hair.

I asked for support not to be put down there is a difference. " MY mental baggage" I didn't know you were perfect my friend.

I found out the solution talk to a professional and let me work it out with him or her not by someone who feels they can define me with one blog and then be derogotry

You have a nice day MR.

jeff's picture


I wouldn't be this blunt with a questioning teen on the site (and it is a youth site), but a 40 y/o man is a much different case.

And I do think there is a potential connection between your discomfort with being gay and the sex you have. You fuck and get blown, which is the exact same thing a straight guy can do to a woman, so you are potentially not crossing the line into active oral or passive anal, which is the gayer realm. Close your eyes and it can still be a girl, who tend to be hairless... hmm....

I'm not perfect, hence my mentioning having gone through a similar thing, albeit in my 20s.

And at 40 years old, I think tough love is the only appropriate level of support for someone questioning.

"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

spencer1161968's picture

Jeff I'm older than you. I

Jeff I'm older than you. I had some questions. Your way in being supportive by trying to define me is not helpful. Just because I'm 40 years old does not mean I deserve to get Crucified.

What I was looking for was a disscusion with someone who had the same issue as I had and what they are doing about it to find out. I didn't come here to be defiend by someone who thinks they are god.

Let me be blunt here in my opinion you need to learn to respect boundries and to be empthic tawards people "you choose" to be supportive to not attack them. If you have an anger issue with me because I'm 40 years old and think Im a pervert because I go to sex clubs well thats your issue not mine so you don't have to take it out on me.

I'm glad you found your happieness and being true to yourself and your gayness but that doesn't mean everybody is like you. You are not the center of the universe. To be blunt I wouldn't want to be like you if someone asked for help. As an older man (take it from the wize) if you want to help someone out help them help themselves

You may not agree with me and thats ok I totally accept that but at the same time you should also respect my boundries , just like I respect yours.

jeff's picture


I think you're like 2 months older than me, but w/e.

But yeah, the end result of anything I write will be: therapy. But to save you from further crucifixion, and me from spending my time writing things that will only be read defensively and attacking, I'm done.

Good luck.

"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

scandalboy's picture

I'm sorry, but Jeff is bang

I'm sorry, but Jeff is bang on the mark with this one here. He's not being rude, just blunt. It can take some time to get used to, but 99.9%.....ok, 100% of the time, his advice and observations are right. I don't really see any "put downs" in his posts....just honest responses to a problem you asked advice on.