My story is a long one but I will try to make it as short as possable. I'm a male and I have no women friends, and my only friend now is straight. I've been getting my sexual needs met for 20 years at gay sex clubs in dark rooms. My condom broke this time and I have not been diagnosed with hiv but I'm on pcp medication to help reduce the risk.
For the most part I guess since I've been in elementry school I love my feeling of isolation. When I've had some male straight friends and the ending of near I obessessed about it so much it was almost like I was gay or in love with them. I will admit with some of them there was some phyical attraction but nothing ever was mentioned. Also As far as women were concerned I never learned how to talk with them and they were always rejecting so my social life evolved around males. I went to Military school and I got kicked out for having sex on the football field with an very overweight girl at about 13 years of age. After that I had a friend in NYC that lived in a gay area (me not knowing about this stuff) who intruduced me to Jerking off with eachother, and I can remember thats what I looked forward to when I saw him. they were Jo races.
With some of my striaght friends on LI we used to go out and try to pick up girls to have sex with. I was always shy or I didn't know how to talk with them or too overweight. I had no to sexaul feelings tawards my friends But it was funny anyone that found a girl and I didn't I got very angry about. After a few of those times when my male friend would pick up a girl and I would get angry about it is when I started thinking I was gay.
Thinking back to when I was younger I was thinking about the JO races but I wasn't not friends with this kid anymore so I started going to sex clubs in NYC. My attitude was when in Rome do as the Romans do or people in jail do it so why not. One exprence I had was with an 18 year old guy who was smooth as anything but fem. He was my first guy who I was attracted to that I had intercouse with, with me as the top. when I went to say good bye he forcefully frenched kissed me I can't tell you for how many years I had extreem flashbacks of that kiss. Any guy I looked at that tape would replay. there was a time my father was comming up from Flroida to NY to visit and I couldnt have him over because I didn't want that tape to be played. After 3-4 years that went away. But Little did I know even after that sex clubs would become my past time when I had free time. I'm not attrtacted to men I'm attracted to twinks to put it in a nutshell. I've even hired some of them. Now comes the messed up part Today
I can look at a picture I see this twink I say oh wow I want sex with him but once I see hair on the chest and legs or even big penis that breaks the whole fantacy. But I love a a certain kind of butt. I just like the outer appearance and if they are a bottom thats great.
I have this one friend in New york who I met in a sex addicts meeting who was unsure about his sexuality and even was acting out with guys while married. After so many ears he has a perminante relationship with a guy and is very happy. I'm very happy for him. When I take a look at those pictures of them of holding hands and all of that it doesn't make feel comfortable like this is not right. Yet I also know at the same time if I put those boundries down for myself any piece of love and affection would go over on me very well because I'm so deprived.
Put it quite bluntly I dont want to be gay But yet I've had sex in the sex clubs for 20 years I'm on aol looking for twinks and I"m very sensitive person and go crazy about rejection. Being alone is easy I work I do my business and go home and I don't have to deal with this stuff. The HIV Counslor said to me two things I run from crowds and I'm hiding that kind of broke me down so now I'm writing this.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what direction to go in to confirm my sexuality or any other suggestions that I might not even thinking of.
I konw this is a long story trust me I cut it short