So here's me when I begin my spiral downward. I'll have hit absolute rock bottom within 72 hours, maybe more, probably less.
By sitting here and ranting, I hope to accomplish nothing but confronting this; maybe it won't hit so hard if I prepare myself. I'm not looking for sympathy, it won't solve anything. I just want a better understanding of myself..
I'm still pretending to be through and through happy, at this point, I can manage it. By Friday I'm sure I'll be a complete mess.
But I can feel that little hole in my chest, the one I managed to tape shut for a while, it's starting to widen again. I have no form of true support here, at least, I don't feel like I can completely trust anyone. I love Zach to death, but sometimes, it just isn't enough for me. The void my home left behind is starting to split wide open, and Zach's support won't be enough to calm me, and fill that gap. I just need so much more than attempted cheering up and halfhearted hugs.
I'm hoping to distract myself a bit; I don't have classes until 1 tomorrow, so I'm going over to a Yvonne's house to hang with her and Kelsi. I'm going to cut and dye Kelsi's hair, and Yvonne want me to dye her hair too, and I'm willing to oblige. Hair happens to be a sort of natural talent of mine which I usually really enjoy, so I'm hoping flexing the creative muscle might help reverse the cycle, or slow it down or something.
Rock bottom doesn't exactly sound great a week before I hit the big 16. It's supposed to be special or something, so I'm going to try and have fun.