my blood sugar is almost three times what it should be...so here's for a slow and painful death at a young age.
saturday i'm moving to another city...the upside is that i get three days on my own to watch movies on demand in a city where there is none of that nasty flu that's been going around..you know..the one that kills people..where i live now there's been two confirmed cases already and one on the way. upside also is getting the fuck away from my grandparents. downside is that i hate the city i'm moving to, only doing it coz i have no choice, been kicked out of my grandparent's house for the next few weeks. also on the downside is that it means i can no longer to out and have fun late, i don't know anybody, i'll be yet again all alone, i don't get along with my aunt and her family so i'll be spending as much time as humanly possible out of the house and it's one of those cities where you're just afraid to be gay. another and perhaps one of the bigger downsides is that it'll position me quite far from Guy, but then i'm considering dumping Guy anyways.
Why dump Guy? because i really like him, he's young and fresh and optimistic and idealistic and i'll totally destroy that in him like other assholes destroyed it in me...back then when i had it, when i was his age. Plus i've finally realized that i cannot go through life without friends, and i have none. by that i mean, i have nobody that i hang around with, that i go out with, that i talk to as a friend, that i do things friends do with. the point i'm making is that guy is about to receive the role of boyfriend and best friend and regular friend and mother and father, all the things i don't have, and it's not fair of me to do that to him. another reason i'm considering dumping him is that i cannot handle his close relationship with his two superman ex's, it's not natural and it's not fair on me to have to play the nice boyfriend while he goes out with them in all hours of the night, it's highly suspicious. another thing is that Guy is not capable of handling my sexual drive, in truth not many can handle it for very long, but certainly Guy isn't capable of it. Obviously i've come towards him a lot, i've really extended myself in fact, i've not pressured him for sex, and i've not slept around in what counts for me as a very long time, and trivial and shallow as it may seem to you people, it's actually a very big problem. I know it's not politically correct, certainlly here on oasis, to actually place importance on sex, but i do, sex is the physical expression of inner truths for me, and i need it in a relationship just as i need honesty, faithfulness and empathy. I wont nor should i have to sacrifice it, and i've already turned down a rather large amount of offers that i would have otherwise taken gladly, it's wearing thin.
I've also redeveloped my body-image problems, I don't feel attractive, i don't think i'm good looking or sexy. I've gained a tiny amount of weight on account of I don't drink, fuck and smoke anymore, so my appetite is back and i get less physical activity. it's not critical, i still look exactly the same, i just take it symbolically, and it's bothering me.
the very harsh criticism i get at school for my art has officially gotten to me, there's only so many personal attacks a person can hear before they start believing it, and well i've reached that point, so as a result i've lost faith in my work, i can't, i'm afraid to, touch a pencil, afraid to draw on my notepad, let alone tackle a big painting like the one Aviv commissioned from me. Feel no inspiration, not for my art, not for school, and whatever i do is purely technical and only when i have absolutely no choice. I skipped all my classes today in favour or sleeping, and i'm about 4 projects behind everyone else in all my classes, and the other students complain about me. it bothers me, this whole thing, because it used to be that, even if i feel ugly, even if i'm alone and feel like the world is a big black empty space, i had my art, and art is what im good at, i'm always good at it, but now i'm not, now i've lost the last thing i called a constant, so i'm rather in the dark now.
I keep trying to talk to my mother, i don't care about what, just a conversation, but god knows it's fucking impossible, you people probably know me better than she does, and the other way round too, i don't know who she is, and the sisters and father couldn't give two shits anyways, two years away from them they've all together just forgotten i exist, all i am is a very small dint in the bank account every month and an occasional burden on foreign relatives.
I keep putting the HIV test off, perhaps fearing the results but also just becase i haven't the time anymore, seems like i'm constantly busy but nothing ever gets done anyways.
anyway, fuck this, i'm going to watch a movie.