have you ever hated to love somebody? i never have before...i either gladly hated them or gladly loved them or comfortably felt anywhere in between those two extremes...but now i have a definate person i hate to love...don't get confused...not love to hate...hate to love. im talking about aviv...clearly i love him...how could i not? as to what kind of love that is i'm not entirely sure....i think it's very fluid right now....i love him as a friend, as a fuck buddy...as a man...just as a man i mean (he gives me hope for other men...who im not kidding i would fucking hate with passion right now if it wasn't for him proving good men do exist)...i love him as a person (because he is who he is, consumately....and he couldn't be any more beautiful) and if i'd let myself i'd easily love him like...a lover...because in my eyes he embodies perfection, in his strengths and even more so in his weaknesses. Do you have some idea as to how frustrating that is? and it's not like a petty straight crush, 1) because we've made love several times and 2) because I DON'T have a crush on him....it's not like that at all in fact...it's something far far more complicated. so all up he's simultaneously my greatest source of pleasure/hope/comfort and frustration. which is why i hate to love him...even when i have every reason/every need and sometimes even every desire to be sad he calls and make his small but distinct gestures that just put the biggest dumbest smiles on my face and fill me up instantly when all i want is to feel justified in my bitterness... as i should be coz my life frankly fucking sucks. no that wasn't a cry for help and i don't want to talk about it.
he rings to wish me a happy holiday (passover)...and to say he'll ring again in half an hour to have a proper chat with me...do you know how many people ring to "chat" with me? i'll tell you...none. do you know how many people take the time to wish my anything? a good morning/night/day/weekend/holiday/anything...again...none. who takes interest in any aspect of my life...genuine...no agenda's...interest for the sake of interest in me in any way/shape/form?...none. and here's this guy i barely know and who'd life i'm not and never will be a part of...and he will never nor is he a part of mine...and he stands there just out of reach showing me over and over again why he's perfection. that fucked up...isn't it? if i had to think of what was fucked up...i'd say that was pretty fucked up.