"The air around me still feels like a cage..."

katieuncensored's picture

Why? Why do I live this fucking life?

I'm started to feel depressed again, and I hate it. I hate it, I HATE IT! What will it take to defeat you? I don't want to tell my counselor. I'm afraid she'll say I really don't have PMDD, and that I can't have birth control anymore. I need birth control. What's wrong with me?

I really think that I'm a sex addict. It's the only way I relieve stress. I don't know how to really relieve stress. What stress do I have?

-ACT scores
-Being skinny
-Getting bigger boobs (even Josh says he wouldn't mind it)
-Trying not to upset Josh
-Improving my Anatomy grade, and probably now my Trig grade
-The fuckin' Trig test I know I failed
-Getting my license
-Stress from not DOING a FUCKING thing in my ENTIRE MEANINGLESS LIFE
-College plans
-Career plans
-My fucking family problems
-My mom, who I'm growing to be ashamed of

I just don't know what to do. I feel spread so thin. Suicide isn't on the back of my mind anymore. I cut once again.

Why, God? What did I do to deserve this life? Why can't mine be filled with meaning? Why can't I be the pretty girl Mr. Santry pays attention to in class? Why can't I be the girl with the perfect body, and the personality everyone wants to be friends with? Why can't I have a 4.0? Why can't I be smart? Why can't I eat everything I want and not be fat? Why can't I have a boyfriend who doesn't frighten me at every sight of irritation or anger? Why can't I have a normal sexual appetite? Why do I have these horrible thoughts that scream at me every day of my life?

I don't know what to do anymore.