...of my life have been absolute chaos. filled w/ drama @ work, school (not getting in), home, and all kinds of other shit. i guess this entry will be just like all my others. me bitching about randomn shit going on and why i feel like life sucks all the time.
I guess a good place to start has been all the stress i've been feeling @ work. being gay kinda isolates me a little bit from the rest of the guys, so i dont really feel like i fit in w/ them all the time, feels kinda like a locker room @ work all the time. rumors and shit flying left and right all the time.
also, i got stuck in a department i cant stand since they fired two ppl, and i have pretty much been going it alone. i have been sticking up for this soon to be no longer co-worker. she is a homie, and probably my besdt friend @ da shop. we grew up in the same hometown, and her friends are friends of mine, and i grew up w/ her fam, went to school w/ her sis and all that....btu she drives me fuckiing insane! today, d-day for taxes, she fucking texts me all " hey dude, do you think you could grab my paycheck and w-2 from work?"
i was like, holy shit, you didnt do that shit yet? and shes all apologetic and shit, like i owe you one type shit.
i guess im getting tired of doing a job i hate just because im willing to do it to keep my job. altho they arent nearly paying me enough. seriously. and they fucked me over on taxes this year- i owe money i dont have sicne they forgot to change my stats to exempt!
so theres that shit, and more recently....ive been feeling really depressed again. part of it is all the drama of my mtb team- tooo much corporate shti and sponsorship shit to get into, but i have realized im not the athlete i used to be anymore. in fact, riding has become a thing i love to hate, and i hate that!
i was talking to david about this the other ngiht, and riding was the one thing that used to calm me down, and the one thing i used to be GOOD at, now it does neither!
and the fact that im literally fat and out of shape (200+) doesnt help. im in fucking clydesdale xc for god sake!
lol. but yeha, so theres that, and theres been this pressure to come out froma friend i told, and i dont know.
for awhile there, as bulldyke knows, i was becoming more comfortable w/ being gay, liek to the point of going to see milk on opening night w/ friends, in seattle.
but now, im back to that point ive always been @.
for too many years, it was beaten into my head that homosexuality was sick, wrong and against god. w/e for tha god shit, but being gay really does disgust me. dont ask me why, but for some fucking reason it just does.
i have been thinkin abotu it all year, and really all week. about the futurte. i cant see myself living life as a g guy, and i cant really see anyway around it either.
kinda like my mom used to say....how can i love someone else, when i cant love myself, and who i am?
i have never been ok w/ it when it comes to myself being gay, btu when it comes to others i do get weirded out, but im mostly ok w/. it.
i knowat leasst that beign g wont kill me anymore, since my pops wouldnt know what it was anymore, and even if he did, he doesnt have his guns anymore, so that wouldnt matter.
problem is, now I have those guns. and that sucks. seriously. now, don't get me wrong, i am an extremely pro gun rights person. in fact, i'm probably one of the most right-wing non christian ppl you will ever meet, but i do believe in the right of the peopel to keep and bear arms.
that being said, i know someone like myself, and as mentally ill as myself, probably shouldnt have access to guns. too bad i know too many places to get them.
i have honestly been staring over the drawer of my desk in which i have my .45 wayyyyy tooo much this week and month.
i haven't been this close to thinking about it in a long time. but the more i think about my future, the more i think about how i dont want to live that way. i dont know.
i guess it's been a stressful few months. my dad is dying and in and out of the hospital, causing me to miss work, my job sucks, i didn't get into college, and i am fucking back to being depressed. ain't life grand?
thanks for listening. if you made it thru that, im impressed.