the last few months...

hellonwheels's picture

...of my life have been absolute chaos. filled w/ drama @ work, school (not getting in), home, and all kinds of other shit. i guess this entry will be just like all my others. me bitching about randomn shit going on and why i feel like life sucks all the time.

I guess a good place to start has been all the stress i've been feeling @ work. being gay kinda isolates me a little bit from the rest of the guys, so i dont really feel like i fit in w/ them all the time, feels kinda like a locker room @ work all the time. rumors and shit flying left and right all the time.

also, i got stuck in a department i cant stand since they fired two ppl, and i have pretty much been going it alone. i have been sticking up for this soon to be no longer co-worker. she is a homie, and probably my besdt friend @ da shop. we grew up in the same hometown, and her friends are friends of mine, and i grew up w/ her fam, went to school w/ her sis and all that....btu she drives me fuckiing insane! today, d-day for taxes, she fucking texts me all " hey dude, do you think you could grab my paycheck and w-2 from work?"

i was like, holy shit, you didnt do that shit yet? and shes all apologetic and shit, like i owe you one type shit.

i guess im getting tired of doing a job i hate just because im willing to do it to keep my job. altho they arent nearly paying me enough. seriously. and they fucked me over on taxes this year- i owe money i dont have sicne they forgot to change my stats to exempt!

lol.

so theres that shit, and more recently....ive been feeling really depressed again. part of it is all the drama of my mtb team- tooo much corporate shti and sponsorship shit to get into, but i have realized im not the athlete i used to be anymore. in fact, riding has become a thing i love to hate, and i hate that!

i was talking to david about this the other ngiht, and riding was the one thing that used to calm me down, and the one thing i used to be GOOD at, now it does neither!

and the fact that im literally fat and out of shape (200+) doesnt help. im in fucking clydesdale xc for god sake!

lol. but yeha, so theres that, and theres been this pressure to come out froma friend i told, and i dont know.

for awhile there, as bulldyke knows, i was becoming more comfortable w/ being gay, liek to the point of going to see milk on opening night w/ friends, in seattle.

but now, im back to that point ive always been @.

for too many years, it was beaten into my head that homosexuality was sick, wrong and against god. w/e for tha god shit, but being gay really does disgust me. dont ask me why, but for some fucking reason it just does.

i have been thinkin abotu it all year, and really all week. about the futurte. i cant see myself living life as a g guy, and i cant really see anyway around it either.

kinda like my mom used to say....how can i love someone else, when i cant love myself, and who i am?

i have never been ok w/ it when it comes to myself being gay, btu when it comes to others i do get weirded out, but im mostly ok w/. it.

i knowat leasst that beign g wont kill me anymore, since my pops wouldnt know what it was anymore, and even if he did, he doesnt have his guns anymore, so that wouldnt matter.

problem is, now I have those guns. and that sucks. seriously. now, don't get me wrong, i am an extremely pro gun rights person. in fact, i'm probably one of the most right-wing non christian ppl you will ever meet, but i do believe in the right of the peopel to keep and bear arms.

that being said, i know someone like myself, and as mentally ill as myself, probably shouldnt have access to guns. too bad i know too many places to get them.

i have honestly been staring over the drawer of my desk in which i have my .45 wayyyyy tooo much this week and month.

i haven't been this close to thinking about it in a long time. but the more i think about my future, the more i think about how i dont want to live that way. i dont know.

i guess it's been a stressful few months. my dad is dying and in and out of the hospital, causing me to miss work, my job sucks, i didn't get into college, and i am fucking back to being depressed. ain't life grand?

thanks for listening. if you made it thru that, im impressed.

hell

Comments

jeff's picture

Well...

You're in a big city, and although I can't say I spend much time in bike shops, my guess is you aren't isolated because you're gay, but because you're closeted. These people live in Seattle, not some podunk town. So if you aren't out to them, all the isolation you feel is self-inflicted, and likely unnecessary. Now, that's not to say they won't tease you about being gay, but in a friendly way. So, my guess is that *you* isolate you, not being gay.

Of course, you do build these things up too much, and always have. My mother saw Milk and she's married to a man. My grandmother saw Milk and is 86 years old. Sean Penn won an Academy Award for it. The writer won, too. It is a movie that played everywhere across the country. So, seeing Milk with other gay people at a premiere in a gay neighborhood is, again, a mental hurdle that you both create and then have to jump over.

Same with being gay. It is beaten into your head that gay is wrong. Now, sure, this was put into you by other people at one point. But now, you're in the city, have a job, on your own, so if this is still being beaten into your head, it is self-inflicted.

You just need to prioritize. Get whatever help you need for your depression, whether pills/therapy, etc. Look for another job if that one is on shaky ground (personally, I never stop looking for a job, no matter what my employment status). Start working out, going to the gym, walking to work if you can, building physical activity into your day.

Thinking about your future is not the best strategy, since you are depressed, have a lot going on in the present that you can't control, and aren't good with the gay stuff. I mean, how can that not be a bad path? What kind of optimism are you going to see when you look ahead, really?

So, come up with a plan and just do it. Did you apply for the fall semester this year? Address why you didn't get in last time? Maybe you need to go to a community college and take some courses and get amazing grades to show you're serious. There are ways around every problem you have.

None of which involve a gun.

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"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis