*Sigh* I don't know what I'm doing. I've at least realized that I don't know what I want. And that kind of makes me proud because usually I have a hard time with that. Acknowledging that I don't know what I want and shit like that.
I don't know if I want to go out with my ex B again. I like her, I never really got closure from her. And now she's kind of back in my life. I don't know if that is a good thing or not, I mean it was kind of my own decision to put her in my life. I was the one that initiated contact, but I didn't want her to feel like I hated her forever. I have forgiven her for what she did to me. But I really regret that I didn't talk to her forever, and I told her that. I hate that when the going gets tough, I just leave. I hate that, but it's so easy to do. With B, we don't have mutual friends, my friends don't like her, and I don't know her friends most of them go to another school (because they are on her soccer team). I want to make it up to her, I do. But I kind of think that my motives aren't platonic. And she doesn't either. I mean she isn't stupid.
It's just complicated. Every time we've tried to date there have been extraneous circumstances that prevent it from happening. We both have trust issues. And freshman year is when I met her, obviously we hit it off great. The problem was that my mom was going through some tough shit that year, which made me feel unsafe at home, and I unknowingly took it out on her, my trust issues. I didn't talk about my home life much. And when I did, I was in tears about it. Freshman year wasn't bad compared to sophomore year. Which as when we tried to date again. So she's pretty much gotten the brunt of my issues regarding that whole ordeal. I have a lot of issues with my mom for what happened. My sister, mother and I all had PTSD after what happened. And I'm not sure that she knows that it was really that bad. I just hate that I did that to her. I really care about her.
She did mention dating again when we talked on her birthday. But we both kind of agreed that if we dated again it would have to be different than our other attempts. We are both in therapy currently to work on our trust issues, which is good. She just recently began therapy after she blindly threatened to commit suicide at school. She regrets saying anything even though she and I both think she's benefiting from therapy. I've been in therapy for almost four years with the same person.
The thing that makes it difficult for us to be friends is that we are still sexually attracted to each other. We've never slept together, but there is that attraction. At the same time, we can talk about our fucked up families, and I would say that she understands my family situation better than anyone else being that we are kind of in the same boat, always competing for attention from our parents. Only she has to compete with a stepsister, and I have siblings that are.. like my own.
Omg. I talk to much. I want to talk to her, but I'm not going to call her. I told her that I was going to bake her cookies for her birthday. She doesn't want me to, so I think I'll bake them tonight and bring them to school and leave them in her third hour class before school. *hopefully* That doesn't create drama. That's when B and O have class together. And well, that might be a little suspicous.