so today was my first day back working in golf...been away for a year....the crew's mostly changed (save for two workers and the manager). Im officially now one of those people who works and studies simultaneously, which i know many people do...but i seriously think this will be the end of me. im a pretty lethargic person at the best of time, my activity is summed up by short intense bursts of energy that i hold on to just as long as i need to and then i remain perfectly still. lol, my brain is the energetic one in this being, and the heart. anyways, i really don' want to work there, or anywhere for that matter, i dislike working in the manner that a clothing shop operates, which only proves to me that i need to be an artist, it's the only thing i enjoy and could do all day everyday without it making me sad and exhausted.
It's funny how things bring me down, make me sad, like this city, and the people i live with over here...as well as the other relatives i don't live with. I love all of them and im sure that on some level they all love me, out of obligation if nothing else...but it's funny about family, it's always there but never there for you, your family is not your friend, and family can't be enjoyed outside of u'r own pack...what im saying is..that like...the family comming together is like a meeting of tribes...my family is one tribe, my aunt's is one, and so on, but im here without my immediate family...im more like an ambassador....and i assure you, it's not fun. because they stick to their groups, and talk about family group type things, and you have nowhere to relate, nothing to say. occasionally you try and join but their silence and sometimes plain ignorance of you is embarassing, makes you feel like you just said the most obvious, stupid, tactless thing ever...even if all you did is agree with someone. then you try and give a story of u'r own, your own account of something relating to the topic, and they give you this face like you need to just stop being selfish, or like again what you said has no relevance. then they leave, and they forget to say goodbye to you, because in all the comotion of people saying goodbye to people, who notices one person who is anyway alone....when you say goodbye to the tribe, immediately a list of the tribe members emerges in u'r mind and you check them off...but you forget one person. and then you feel unimportant, even if they call to say goodbye, they still left without it. like even though you know it's a small thing, food is being offered to everyone, and you're right there with everyone, you're sitting right there with them all...but you never get asked. what have i done?
so i drink, makes the time go faster, makes me looser, makes me think less, makes me feel better with feeling bad about myself.
last night i had my first one night stand in a month. the guy didn't have a clue what was expecting him. i couldn't be fucked dressing up for him so i just chucked on loose jeans and a t shirt, but underneath that i wore a jockstrap. neither of us has where to do it so we found a small road leading to a lookout that's deserted during the night...and there we parked. long story short the windows fogged like crazy, we both got completely naked and though the guy was five years older than me and holding a master's degree in some shit i don't remember and about to move to germany, he still took a deep breath between moaning to ask me (and in all seriousness he asked this, i swear to god) "where did you learn how to do that!?".....i gave him my well rehersed sex grin andd told him it was raw talent....which it pretty much is...that and practice practice practice. anyways the guy is getting quite close to cumming despite me telling him not to, and suddenly blue flashing lights appear around us. it was the fucking cops. i thought this was the fucking end, like omg, i was butt naked, the windows were all fogged, we're scrambling to find our clothes, there's nobody else aroudn and it's an open area....and worst of all, the idiot guy forgot to bring his driver's licence. he was white shitting himself by this stage...i was wondering what the procedure was when being arrested. anyways i managed to get my clothes on before they got real close...and then the most insane thing happened, they passed us....and kept driving, apperantly after somebody else. we packed our shit up so quickly it was incredible....opened the windows to get the windows clear again, and after he stopped shaking we drove off....neither of us having cummed though....so in true "i learn from my mistakes" fashion...i summoned up another guy to finish the job.
isn't my life a trip?
anyways, twice this month a bird shat on me....not the same bird i don't think, but nontheless. it's fucking annoying, and dont' say it brings good luck...because if so than im owed a shitload of good luck..and the only good thing that happened lately (other than not being charged with public manfucking) is that i painted my white pointy boots with metal caps in bright blood red. they look fucking fierce, and i will look like the dirtiest russian stripper when i wear them, which is more or less what im going for.
i've been dreaming about people lately...like my girlfriends, and my immediate family, it's strange.
my sister is on youtube lol. she has a band...a band...it's her and one guy on guitar....but they're really pretty good for 13 year olds (no offence), i was really impressed, they call themselves indigo, i don't love the name, but it's their band not mine. lol the clip is shot in my family's backyard, with the pool and garden, it looks so "we're rich kids being rockstars"...but they didn't mean for it to look like that, and in fact they're not rich, they haven't anywhere else to play...though i believe they're playing in an exhibition opening soon, and in a youth centre too. anyways it's nice to see.
i finally talked to my therapist about my problems with how i look, he summed it up with "i think if you lost a tiny bit of weight you'd be really hot" and "i think your issue with u'r looks will solve itself by ripple effect when you solve u'r other problems". it doesn't really help...but short of plastic surgery nothing really will.
isn't it disgusting to think of fat people having sex? i didn't even know fat people have sex...until i had sex with a fat person, then realized that he's fat and having sex with me, and then shortly after i realized that im a little on the full side too, and i have sex like...all the time. anyways im not fat, ew, i hate even that word, im just neither thin nor fat. my torso doesn't wonder anywhere and at the same time im not one of those anorexic fuckers that are so thin you can practically see their stomach chewing on their internal organs for a feed.
i think im probably smoke more (passively only) than any other person on earth...everyone i know smokes....and i try and take a puff from them...and they get all defencive on me, like they're protecting me coz they love me so much, saying smoking is bad for you, then they cough. and i tell them, i say that im gonna die before all of them anyway coz passive smoking is worse than active smoking anyways, and im passively smoking all the fucking time, but they choose not to see the point. israelis are good at ignoring things that make perfect sense.
i don't want a boyfriend anymore. i want a little privacy, and a holiday, maybe a touch of independence.
I found a new fuck buddy. he seems to think im the most erotic thing that ever walked the face of the earth...which suits me just fine, he's not too bad himself...got that roman armour torso thing going on, amazing shoulders and clavicals, and a perfect round muscular ass coupled with a shapely package. he need a little manscaping but i'll attend to that soon. i dunno where i find these men, im sure that when nobody is around they carve up pieces of human flesh and eat them...but it doesn't interest me all that very much really....so long as they don't bite any chunks off me...especially not the one that i like using so much. anyways this guy has apperantly an empty house for three nights next week...which sounds to me like a fuckfest waiting to happen... oh and did i mention he's a bottom....here's to perfection!
you guys shouldn't think that i dont' disgust myself with all this talking...and as nasty as the talking is, the actions are somewhat more intense. i wont say that i dont' enjoy it, it's my right to enjoy sex as much as the next person, and in fact there's no ignoring the fact that im fucking great at it, but that is obviously not the point. the point is that i have sex because it satisfied not only my physical need to feel good (because i deserve to feel good sometimes too), it also serves a myriad of psychological needs i have. like the need to feel attractive, the need to feel wanted and accepted by someone, the need to feel social interaction, the need for a friend, for a lover, for a partner, for someone to talk to...things tha i don't otherwise have, and i don't think you understand that. you guys never see past the sex, perhaps you've not had enough of it to realize that so much more than what equates to stabbing eachother with sexual organs happens when you have sex, and not only on the physical level...on all levels...and if the sex is good, like it was...say...with aviv, then it'll make you feel full and good and happy and in love with the world, yourself, with god, for a while, maybe days, maybe weeks, that's what sex gives me. dating gives me anxiety, dating gives me a sense that im trying too hard, that im being to calculating, and most of all, dating makes me so hopeless, so inferior, because men are all so beautiful, and all such hollow, shallow, souless humans, pretty empty shells. I know in my mind that this is not the case, david and aviv prove this to me, but that is what it feels like most of the time, and in dating it becomes hightened.
I feel myself heading into a storm again, this city, these people, the work, the study, the lack of time, money, hope, friends, resources and utter absence of freedom and mobility, it's choking me already, and im not even a fraction of the way to the end. I allowed myself to get caged again, my mother, out of duty and guilt, nothing good will come of it will it? i need to sleep, i've been averaging 4 hours of sleep a day lately, and this friday saturday transition is the only school and work free time i have, so i should make some use of it now. i'll go skull a glass of wine and straight to bed...it'll knock me out fair i think.
good night kids.