Just a cry for help. A soliloquy for everybody and nobody.
School and work has just been a bit hectic lately.
Grades have not been the best (and I mean the best, which is what I want and have been capable of).
And all my friends seem all so stressed, no one to turn to. Yet, some people stress for the tiniest of reasons.
I don't like to burden or stress in front of everyone. I've only broken down once at school this year before this, and only three people including one of my closest friend saw. People just always thought I was this happy carefree person, and I like to keep it that way - even though these days everything is just so so stressful. My friend said that 'if Max is sad, humanity's doomed - you're like the happiest person in the world'.
But that's not the case recently. Work has made me less spontaneous and less cheery and less out there. I've become more paranoid, and I feel I might be pushing some of my friends away. I'm very emotional, but I also reserve those emotions to myself - and sometimes people don't seem to understand. The rare times I express them are really quite awkward and absurd. I don't want people to pity me, or even help me, although I want to know I have friends that care. At the same time, when they do see me sad and stressed and breakdown, I see it as a weakness and feel ashamed - and I feel more stressed and upset - so it's a never ending cycle towards doom. Therefore I want to be left alone.
And I really wonder who my real friends are sometimes. Some of my friends changed, became too blunt or critical for their own good - and sometimes it feels like I have lots of friends, but no one who is absolutely close to me. I get invited to lots of parties, lots of people say talk to me, I can hang out with lots of people, yet there's not that one or two people who would really truly be my best friends. I'm just the 'happy guy' who's friends with everyone but also torn between the friendships of everyone - liked but always second to another person. Make sense?
And you know I do copious amounts of work at school. I just got back from a mooting competition at a university in Hamilton, which has been hours drive away. I haven't had dinner, my guardians have not made me dinner, and to be honest I don't want dinner. The whole weekend and today was preparing for mooting, and my physics and statistics exams today pretty much turned to custard as a result. There's many choir rehearsals for the upcoming Big Sing... and the musical rehearsals start this Thursday. On top of that, add filming, debating, model united nations (for Auckland and Wellington), house choir and house band and coaching younger teams, prefect duties, and economics case competitions and five scholarships tutorials a week and you get Max which is completely utterly so stretched thin beyond belief.
Today is one of those days when it was just all too much. I had not enough sleep, not prepared for the two tests (one test, one exam to be precise), stressed for mooting and my friend who is being very critical of our mooting case was the last straw. I simply just walked out of the room without saying much, I didn't shout or scream or blame anyone I lied and said I needed to get some lunch. But it was obvious I was stressed and frustrated and flustered and disappointed and sad and disillusioned. My other friend ran after me, but I really needed a moment to gather my thoughts, and I couldn't do that - so I returned to the room after getting food - sat there, with my friends thinking I'm overreacting and joking about it - until my eyes started to water. I tried so hard to fight them back, but it's just the burden of everything. Everything, when there's not a time to be alone and relax (except now) and to really know I can get a good sleep and not worry about more work the next day. Then they ran down my face, and I hate it when our coach came in and praised my mooting case. I just needed to be left the fuck alone. Don't tell me how good my work is to try and make me feel better. I really couldn't say a word then, or I'd completely bawl. He kept asking what's wrong but what's wrong is I needed to be left the fuck alone. It was not me, it's embarrassing and a sign of weakness - and why it's such a big deal is because no one understood.
If they understood it wouldn't have been so distraught. But instead it's a stupid act of useless sympathy that has been derived from the fascination with what they don't understand about all the stress and reasons I've been such an emotional wreck. They might pretend they care, but if they don't understand - afterward the whole breakdown is just a bloody joke. They can't really care if they don't understand. Most of the time it's just to make themselves bloody feel better. No such thing as altruism in that case. I'm just the usually-happy guy that broke down - and it was their curiosity that brought them to me - not a genuine desire to try and understand - there was no evidence of that. Not a single shred, I'm the performing monkey on stage and people will clap for making a scene and not even I know why I'm trying to please their fascination or ego - except that I'm not in control of myself.
Then I talked to my scholars group teacher who is the only person who I could turn to then. Missed biology for that (which I got told off for). She said some nice things. I'm doing too much. I need to drop something. Then I bumped into a friend straight afterwards, fuck, leave me alone. He was shocked to see me in tears. But he does not understand. He's always talking about his own problems and own shit, and there is not a chance to bring up mine - his stupid detached proud persona and arrogance is disgusting. He will tell other people, and he will pretend he cares, but he is too absorbed in himself to actually really care about me. I've helped him many times in the past, but confiding in him does not make me feel better.
In fact confiding in anyone, emotional outpour does not make me feel better. Because you have to genuinely care, otherwise I'm an object of fascination to bloat your own ego. I refuse to be objectified, I will not be subject to pity and people's apathetic remarks. I will not be weak.
I will cope.