I'm so fucking tired...

Lyexsah's picture

of absolutely every.

I'm tired of dealing with people who don't know what they want.
I'm tired of knowing I want thinks I can never have.
I'm tired of not being good enought of anybody; everybody.
I tired of school
Of home
of the people here
of the people who don't talk to me enough anymore,
because they have a real life with other people.

I hate that they could move along like I was never there, and I'm stuck literally dying inside because I feel like I'm not where I belong, like I don't belong here, or fit in at all.

I hate being so sad all the time.
I hate being uprooted once a year.
I hate crying all the goddamn time.
I hate that I'm always ignored.
I hate that I'm losing my friends.
I hate that I hate everything I used to love.
I hate feeling so unloved...

I'm losing my spirit here. I'm breaking. Giving up. Giving in.

Joseph would be so fucking disappointed in me. Disappointed that I would just roll over and give up what I want, and bend to everyone's will. Disappointed that I'm not out trying to do something that will make me happy, instead of everyone else.

But what can I do? He's right. I'm not a fighter. I'm not as strong as he is. The last thing I would want is for him to be disappointed because god knows I would do anything for him. I'm weak. I'm a weakling. I can't do anything right, and I'll probably never fulill MY fucking wishing in life because I'm the person that listens to what everyone else says, and doesn't do what makes me happy.

I suck.
I'd kill myself, but I haven't got the guts.

Comments

Uncertain's picture

Hello again

Let's do a very cliched exercise.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Stand up.
Sit down.
Now pick your nose.
And scratch your buttocks.

Feel better yet Lyexsah?

I think you need to not be so hard on yourself.

- I'm tired of dealing with people who don't know what they want.
But that's okay. No one knows themselves fully, we keep discovering new things, searching for our identity. I don't think that should be held against a person. Maybe you don't have to deal with them at all?

- I'm tired of knowing I want thinks I can never have.
Harsh reality, really sucks. Everybody can name things they want but can't have, but doesn't mean we should stop working for it. Dream big, but don't let it dishearten you - otherwise there's no point to it. But also set realistic goals, and once you take care of the small things the big ones will follow.

- I'm tired of not being good enought of anybody; everybody.
You're not supposed to be? You'll never make everyone's mark. And I'm sure someone accepts you for who you are. Like this Joseph guy sounds great. You need to keep fighting. But start living your life for yourself and not for other people. You'll never please them all, and they'll never make you who you want to be.

- I tired of school.
What can I say.

- Of home.
I know it's terrible.

- Of the people here.
Maybe you need a break from here. It's good to have a balance and a wider support group as well. We try to help but there's only so much we can do. You have to be proactive you making your own change first. The outlook/attitude is usually a start.

- Of the people who don't talk to me enough anymore, because they have a real life with other people.
And serves as good advice for yourself as well. I think most people would usually give 'real life' precedence over 'not-so-real' ones. You also have to be more realistic in what to expect from people, so you won't be so disappointed. Instead expect that sometimes people do let you down.

- I hate that they could move along like I was never there, and I'm stuck literally dying inside because I feel like I'm not where I belong, like I don't belong here, or fit in at all.
What I see here is that people care from the point you post regardless of what they know about you. It doesn't mean they don't care, but people change due to a myriad of factors. If they fully moved on (and you can't change that) you need move on too. It doesn't necessarily mean someone did something wrong, some circumstances are just beyond us.

- I hate being so sad all the time.
- I hate being uprooted once a year.
- I hate crying all the goddamn time.
- I hate that I'm always ignored.
- I hate that I'm losing my friends.
- I hate that I hate everything I used to love.
- I hate feeling so unloved...

It sucks. Don't get me wrong it's okay to feel like that once in a while (everyone's entitled to their emotions), but the truth is people might find a person who constantly do/think those things suffocating. So it almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm being very practical and trying not to sugarcoat everything. Some overly optimistic person might come and disagree but that's always too idealistic. Because we are people, we make mistakes, we have limitations, we cannot constantly be here to help you EVEN if we want to help. So please pick yourself up and keep fighting. Fight on through. Be active in making that change.

Only you can start the change to make yourself happier and better. You are the only constant in your own life.

Peregrine's picture

I LUZ YOU ASHEY!!!!!!!!! DON

I LUZ YOU ASHEY!!!!!!!!! DON GO!!!!!!!!

Nemo Ante Mortem Beautus--- No man is blessed before he dies.

tastytoastytoast's picture

Death is best

Only if living hurts so much that you can't escape the agony of life. To survive your day, workout! Learn how to punch and kick extremely hard and focused, think bone-breaking impacts. The day will come when you will defend your existence by putting someone that deserves it flat on their face. Get pumped by your life, your body, your mind and enhance it so it becomes an energized, hard momentum unable to be stopped by no one.