"i've got a funny feeling that my time is caught in a jar.

duct tape godess's picture

madness and insanity have arived.."

thats a lil like what im feeling.
im in an extremly awkward point in my life.
things are just spliting in any way they can.
i had a good day but my heart still feels like its sinking.
im not depressed or anxious at all.
i can just feel my heart weighing me down.
sometimes i think i would be better without one.

i miss my therapist.
i have not seen her in about 7 or 8 months...
its hard caz i was used to seeing her every week for a year.
its really sucky that after a life threting car accident where you see your mother lose half of her blood (all over her face) almost dieing next to you that you lose for insurenc caz she cant work.
fucked up huh?

i never really talked about the accident on here. i dont know why.
it was the biggest thing that has happened in my life in years.
its prolly caz i was ashamed.
you see a drunk driver hit my mom and i head on.
he was asleep at the wheel.(we know this caz he did not even try to stop his huge van b4 hitting our tiny Honda)
my mom swerved out of the way so it would hit her side and not mine..
im ashamed caz when it hit i was not thinking about loveing someone or my family or anything like that..
i was happy.
i thought so this is how i die.
then after the air bags i thought oh that was not bad at all.
and.. i turned to look at my mom
i did not see the blood caz the way she was turned.
i asked if she was okay.
then i saw the blood all over her body.
the bone sticking out of her arm.
the tire through the window.
i franticaly looked for my cell phone to call 911.
i couldnt find it.
sooo i crawled out of the car screaming as loud as my voice would let me, "someone help my mom"
i couldnt see at all.
everything was yellow once i could slightly.
i had almost fainted when soneone finly came.
oddly enough it was one of my childhood frinds older sisters.
she helped mesit as the ambulances came.
i kept trying to turn my head to look at my mom..
the care door was crused into her side.
i thought she was dead.
when the firemen came and started to help her i over heard them saying she was about to..
then the drunken man that hit us started cursing when the emts came to help him.

i asked if he was okay.
two other ppl came to help me.
they said he had open vodka in his hands and he was not hurt.

i asked someone to call my sister.
and so they did and then i took the phone crying saying i think mommys dead theres so much blood...
my sister freaked out and the girl helping me took the phone to calm her down
then a few fire men came to me
they asked me things and taped me to a bored.
they wouldnt tell me how my mom was or where she was going
i ws so lucky that my childhood friends sister michelle was there
she came to the hospital with me she waited with me for my sister.

the neext 5 months here horrible
i was physicaly fine but my mom was inthe ICU for 1 1/2 months and a lowe floor for a month.
form there she went to a nursing home for 3 months.
while she was gone i took care of the house
my brother is/was to inept to do it on his own.
so i cleaned his fith took care of the money cooked and everything else.

will be conntenued im getting yelled at...


Fiona Rosge's picture


why, is it from the day we are born we are not prepared for what to say when stuff like this happens to other people, I'm sorry, I'm sorry but after all these years does that word even mean anything anymore? I want to tell you to read Lets Get Lost by Sarra Manning but I'm not sure it would help you considering it is preforably about what happened to you but in there she says "depression is just some word invented by other people that doesn't even come close to explaining how you really feel and if somthing really bad happened to them, somthing really awful, they'd know that..." and that was a quote directly from memory so I'm sorry for not being able to remember the rest of it but still i said what needed to be said in hopes that that helps.
Come Josephine in my flying machine
Going up she goes up she goes
Balance yourself like a bird on a beam
In the air she goes there she goes
Up, up, a little bit higher
Oh, my, the moon is on fire

the mouse that roared's picture


I´m really glad you managed to tell everyone here about this finally. Not that I´ve had to go anything nearly as traumatic as you have, but that stuff can be really hard to get past. No wonder you feel depressed. Do you think you might be able to go back to some therapist or other? He or she might help you work through some of your feelings on this or the rest of your life.

And good for you for holding things up with your family. It takes a lot to do that, especially when you´re still shook up yourself.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. --Anais Nin