paranoid/ annoyed rant

hellonwheels's picture

even though i always ahve a fear that someone out there will find this journal, or that ppl @ work somehoe knwo abotu them, i need to post...

the last month, well, really the last three weeks, have sucked. no other way to put it.

First off, i gotp denied the hours i wanted @ work, didnt get into school, and have been feeling generall downa dn depressed.

abotu a month ago, i went to my shrink for the first tinme in a looong time since i'd missed my last few appointments, costign me 100's. also, tha god damn IRS fucked me, sicne my work fucked up and didnt chnage my tax stats, i now owe 1100 on top of 450 in doc bills.

my diabetes appt had to be cancelled, i missed all my mtb races in april due to work firing two co-workers,a nd two quitting, which adds to stresses

on top of that, the last few weeks, my dads cancers are spreading, he refuises to take hsi meds, gettin to the point fo violence towards me, and his caretakers. he threa a punch @ th enurse tonight.

but last weekend, i gfot foff work, ready to head for the nationals in port angeles, and i got a call from the home. they said take him to the ER, or we will.

so i ruished out there @ 7, took dad to the hospital, where i am kinda becoming known to the docs n nurses, sicne this is my pop's third visit in three weeks.

so anyway, i shoiw up there, admit him, and have to force him to wear a mask...which drama ensues, since it 'messes' him up.

my dad has had several strokes, and heart attacks, on top of dimentia, so anything he doisnt recognize or know, he throws a tantrum about...u can imiagine the IV and gettign blood drawn...lie a little child.

so i spent the whoel fucking weekend w/ no sleep in the ICU....fucking awesome.

then i finished up work w/. the end of our spring sale...fucking fun...nit. and then my bosses dad died same day...she went downt o cali to see him, but it wa the first time i'd seen her in tears.

she and i have been kinda dealing w. the same shti lately, but it still sucks for her...and jsut after her b-day too.

so yeah, work sucks, im depressed, my dads gettin wayyy worse....which brigns me to one of the points of this journal

why do i do this? why do i constantly put my life on hold for him? i mena, we're blood, nbtu thats it.

all my dad ever brougbht me was pain, war, memeoreies i never needed, never wanted, bred my paranoia. i dont knwo.

it just seems liek for a man who never paid child suppiort, disappperad for years on end, and then randomnly sowed up @ our dooorstep....why the hell do i care?

he's my father, but he wa never really a father. all he cared about in life was harleys, guns, drugs, and cars.

i knwo he cares about us,and for some fucking reason, i care for him....but why?

he seriously never did anythign for me...biggestr gift i ever got was $5 and a b-day card.

i dont knwo.,

my bloodsugars low from all trhe stress tho, and i cnat type. my wrists are sore from riding all night on the trial.

im out.

hell.

Comments

Uncertain's picture

Hey hell

Sorry to hear all those things about your dad man... not much I can do but really do hope you're holding up okay. You have as much right to feel the way you are, but try not to beat yourself up too much alright.

hellonwheels's picture

thanks max...

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

jeff's picture

Well...

Family is a powerful thing. Although you are making it twice as hard. You're doing all this stuff while questioning and resisting it.

If you're doing it anyway, just give in and do it without all the mental baggage. If he wasn't much of a father, I'm not sure why that means you get a pass to be less of a son, though. He made his choice, and despite it, you're making yours.

Also, the IRS didn't fuck you. Your job did. You're paying the IRS what you owe them.

---
"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

Splash's picture

*hug*



~~~ the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses ~ e e cummings ~~~

howie's picture

Jeff's comment about Hellon's post.

Hey, Hellonwheels, Jeff just gave you great insight on you and your father's situation. I hope you take it under consideration. I've been there and in my opinion the way you're going about it is right for you. YOU have the opportunity to show your father how things SHOULD be. Sometimes it's very rare for the son or daughter to teach the parent. Keep "teaching" your father.