Alright to my day...involved my fear and emotionally/physical drain from the blood drive. I HATE needles, they are the whole reason I was in therapy and cousiling because I am unable to deal with it. So today I was heading to PE like always and the first thing I see is people laying down in those chairs and I personally don't even remember seeing the needles but it was just the promis that they were there was enough to cause me to start hyperventalating. To the point where I was laughing, which is what I do when I'm really freeked out and trying not to cry.
And then going to PE, ug forget about it, I could barly do the warm ups and when it came to actually participating in PE, ESPECIALLY kickball, the sport I hate more then anything I just about lost it. I told people flat out I don't want to do anything and yet they made me participate anyway! so I went and I stood as far out as I could in an effort not to do anything and when it was our turn to kick me and my friend just sat out on the feild, because hey what was the difference wheather we were sitting in the grass or on the bench? Well a lot had to be said about that. So I went as sat down, complaining the whole way and my friend L started yelling "god what are you guys complaining about now, just play the damn game." AND THEN OH AND THEN we swiched again I went into the feild and they stayed there! I played, even though I stated I didn't want too! and then while the opposing team was yelling at me to get out there and play and what a bitch I was being they all quit, so I was so pissed.
Dressing up for PE, you know dressing down when you go in dressing out when you leave? I walked into the blood drive AGAIN! So the freeked me out.
and Yesterday my mother was yelling at me about how rude I've been back talking and how I never do my chores when asked. Essentually I'm unpleasent and ungreatful and really I don't know why I let her get to me like I do, but for some reason she just makes me break down.
Lastly I want to say that I have met some amazing people on this site, some people that I love dearly. And without freeking anyone out I use the word love lightly, meaning like dearly but like just doesn't seem efficent enough. So I wanted to thank Jeff for bringing us all here. I'm in that boat again, I can feel it, the tugging of desire and need. I wounder if this will ever be satisfied considering I am not near either of them. God I'm not even sure what I am trying to say just that I feel I need them to much. L likes me but for how long? and J, well I never hear from her anymore, so busy. I'm just not sure what to do about it, what road to take, how to handle all this. Is it to much to ask to wish they could both be here? talking with me, holding me. God I need a girlfriend...and the people I fall for...I can't have. I know this and I set myself up anyway. Why do I have to be so hard on myself? Why can't I just find someone around here that I like and am attracted to and that likes me? Is that to much to ask for? Apparently, will I be single forever?
Thats my rant I could go on but I'm stopping myself, so thank you for reading.