I'm feeling very unbalanced and unbalanced. I'm craving a lot of attention as of late. And it would be fine because I'm getting a lot of attention because suddenly it seems like a whole lot of people have come out of the wood works and either like me or really like giving me attention. I get attention from a lot of guys and sometimes it's nice and sometimes it's just.. makes me feel like I need a shower afterwards. But it's not the attention I need . I know that I'm a teenager and I know that I'm 17, but I want the attention of my parents and my family. I feel like I'm not important to them and it sucks. I know that they care and they mostly they are giving me space, but I don't really want the space. I like spending time with my family. We have a great time joking and hanging around and it hasn't been like this always and so it makes me kind of sad that we don't spend time together on a regular basis. I feel so needy.
I get family time when I'm with my dad. I love my dad. My mom is just absent and vacant even though she might by physically present she is in no way emotionally present. And she still treats me like her best friend except that I don't get the benefit of getting to tell her stuff because she doesn't listen.
I love my dad more than anything. But I also have this connection with O's mom's friends. Which sounds complicated because I'm not dating O anymore. Which doesn't really matter we are kind of friends. In the sense that she talks to me about all the amazing sex she has with her new bf and I just nod and not listen. Anyway! I miss my psuedo parents. My parents in Chicago. They are only five hours away but at the same time that is five hours away and I can't drive. So basically I'm on the verge of breaking down. Because A) I'm tired as fuck B) I feel kind of raped by the eyes of the guys I see and C) I want to spend time with my family more often -quality time and D) I miss my Chicago parents SO much. I need a hug.
And I didn't think I was this upset when I started writing but apparently I am. I have therapy tonight so that might help. I love my therapist. I've been going to her for almost four years. Or something mad like that. So I will be okay, I just really don't want to be at school.
I really do appreciate my friends. And I don't want them to feel like they aren't doing enough. It's just my family stuff that always comes up. It makes things so difficult. It always has and it always will. And no one makes it better and I'm not sure it will get better. I think it would be better if I could actually get some sleep.
I'm sorry that I'm loathing in self pity at the moment. I feel bad about it. But generally I feel horrible.