Bailey. I've loved her... forever. We've had our little thing going on forever, but it's been like, a casual thing. No matter what, we're always best friends(with amazing benefits). What bothers me is that, other than me, she dates guys and stuff. And yet we still have our... benefits when she's dating some guy. It just kinda bugs me, I guess I'm jealous that she doesn't see me like that.
But on the other hand, it gives me some freedom, makes things easier. No doubt, while I'm here in Phoenix, we hooked up, did things, had our fun, because I'm sure we both needed it. I dunno about her, but I haven't been with anyone since I left Phoenix a year ago. Partially out of that feeling of still being with her, because my friend even set me up with a nice girl who I'm sure wouldn't have minded the fooling around... I didn't mind being close to guys, but I really couldn't look at any girls that way. I want to try and move on, but I really want her. But after all that wanting to be with her again, when I saw Bailey the other day, I was happy, but really, nothing else. I knew what would come later, because it was almost a given, and I certainly did enjoy it(it was better tha I ever remembered).
But... other than her...
My best (guy) friend, David... He is so close to my heart. I cried when I saw him. I spent the last year hurting, because I wanted to come back so back. I physically hurt sometimes because I missed it so much. It hurt to see him, though because I only got to stand at his door and talk to him for twenty minutes or so, then we had to leave, because mom didn't want to come back later and pick me up.
I want to cry just thinking about the moment he opened the door. I launched at him, and held him close. It's strange, because... I don't think I've ever felt so strongly for a guy. Mild attraction, yes... but, never so much love.
When we went inside for a moment, he held me close... we even kissed. I know he wanted more(he said it) but we were so short on time. When we would talk on the phone, we'd joked about... uhm... ya know. I didn't think he was serious, and I figured even if he was... he was just a perv.
But when I looked into his eyes, I saw more than I had expected.
In fact, now that I really think about it, simple lust is more of what I see when I look into Bailey's eyes...
It's so confusing... Revalations like this are just so... confusing, especially since we're leaving Phoenix tomorrow morning.
God, I want to cry again...