Zephyr's picture

That's where my brain has been lately. Yesterday I was mad. Mad that those bitches at the mall were just like the girls at my school. And mad that I had to be around people like that. School's out for the summer. I know that doesn't mean anything, but I was hoping.

Today. Well. That's a different story. I'm angry. But not at them. It would be stupid to still be mad at them. I'm mad at myself. And my mother. I'm mad because I thought that for once I (and her other kids, my siblings) could come first to her, and not some guy, but she proved that today. I know that she cares about him deeply, but again, they've known each other six months. I've been with her seventeen years, doesn't that count for something? She puts everything into her relationship with him. And when he's not around, she doesn't do shit. I've done laundry every day this week, cooked almost every night, cleaned, taken care of the dog, done everything that's she has asked me to. But it's never good enough. I'm never good enough. I hate that I feel into that same pattern again. I love her, but I can't do this. I've been taking care of her for a long time. Almost seven years.

Don't worry, I'm in therapy because of my mother. And while she jokes about it, I've never told her that she truly is the reason I'm still in therapy. And I do resent her very much. I hate to say that I am this bitter for being this young. I'd like to think that it is just against her and it doesn't extend beyond that though. Hopefully. And I'm working on it. I really am.


Fiona Rosge's picture

i hope

I'm sorry in a sence I'm going through that too, just not as bad. Work is begining to come first with my mother, and she gets...bitter about it. I'm not asked to take care of her, just my brother. Its toned down, thank god. I hope it does for you too.
Everclear: "Life is always getting better" ; )
Come Josephine in my flying machine
Going up she goes up she goes
Balance yourself like a bird on a beam
In the air she goes there she goes
Up, up, a little bit higher
Oh, my, the moon is on fire

Zephyr's picture

It's not even that I have to

It's not even that I have to take care of her, it's that she withdrawls so much from me and my siblings when she misses her bf. And I'm thinking that it shouldn't be that important. We've gotten along without him for so long, that it shouldn't matter this much, but she doesn't seem to think so. Don't get me wrong, my parents were married for 22 years, until I was fourteen. So my dad helped take care of her, but when she started dating she put herself fully into those relationships, which I think is more acceptable behavior of ... a teenager. My mom just hasn't grown up. And she needs to know that I need her around. And I need her as a mom and not as a friend.
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