...to want to slit your wrists in front of your own mother?
I'm tired of being not good enough for her, and the object of her fury. I'm tired of getting yelled at ever fucking day for the dumbest fucking reasons.
She just hates me, I know it.
I really want to blow my brains out in front of her, or slit my wrists and bleed out in front of her, just so she can live with the image for the rest of her life.
Violent fantasies. I've had them since... as long as I can remember. I'm sure that's not good at all, but what can I do about it? I wish I could afford a therapist, because I really need one.
I'd talk to a school councelor, but there's no confidentiality if your main focus of thought is suicide. I know from experience.
What people don't understand it that I really don't think I'm suicidal, my mind just has no filter for violent fantasies. When I hit a real low, it's all I think of, but I've never even gone as far as even cutting.
Except once, but it wasn't like, trying to kill myself cutting. I carved into the back side of my arm, near my elbow.
And it wasn't exactly satisfying.
I'm more of a, listen to Slipknot and scream kind of person.
Or a, have sex kinda person.
Yep. I could really use a visit to my old... uhm... 'friend' 's house. She always makes me feel better. :D
And my creative outlet is going down the tubes. I haven't been able to draw or paint since the summer break started. Which is horrible, because my gramma's b-day is this weekend, and she wants me to paint her a big picture.
It's killing me, because I really want to do something for her, but I can't find any inspiration! D: