Is it okay...

Lyexsah's picture

...to want to slit your wrists in front of your own mother?

I'm tired of being not good enough for her, and the object of her fury. I'm tired of getting yelled at ever fucking day for the dumbest fucking reasons.

She just hates me, I know it.

I really want to blow my brains out in front of her, or slit my wrists and bleed out in front of her, just so she can live with the image for the rest of her life.

Violent fantasies. I've had them since... as long as I can remember. I'm sure that's not good at all, but what can I do about it? I wish I could afford a therapist, because I really need one.

I'd talk to a school councelor, but there's no confidentiality if your main focus of thought is suicide. I know from experience.

What people don't understand it that I really don't think I'm suicidal, my mind just has no filter for violent fantasies. When I hit a real low, it's all I think of, but I've never even gone as far as even cutting.

Except once, but it wasn't like, trying to kill myself cutting. I carved into the back side of my arm, near my elbow.

And it wasn't exactly satisfying.

I'm more of a, listen to Slipknot and scream kind of person.

Or a, have sex kinda person.

Yep. I could really use a visit to my old... uhm... 'friend' 's house. She always makes me feel better. :D

And my creative outlet is going down the tubes. I haven't been able to draw or paint since the summer break started. Which is horrible, because my gramma's b-day is this weekend, and she wants me to paint her a big picture.

It's killing me, because I really want to do something for her, but I can't find any inspiration! D:

Comments

holahaveamuffin18's picture

:\ i know how that feels. &

:\ i know how that feels. & it'll pass. but, yeah, Slipknot always helped me. usually i listen to A7X or Story of the Year... but either way, loud music is awesome.
& i know this is slightly random, and i may come off a bit weird... but maybe paint your gram a portrait of her, when she was younger (if you have a picture or something)?

Lyexsah's picture

I'm not very good with

I'm not very good with realism.

I had a basic idea of what I wanted to do, I just can't get it on the paper.

D:

holahaveamuffin18's picture

egh. i haaaatee that. it

egh.
i haaaatee that.
it happens to me more than it should...

tenmilestilts's picture

story of my life...that's y

story of my life...that's y i'll only ever be an artist in my head. i can *never* get what i'm visualizing onto paper.
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Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!

OnlyForYou's picture

Yeah I know what you mean.

Yeah I know what you mean. I'm the type of person who gets an idea, and then looks over someone's shoulder as they put it on paper for me so they get it exactly the way I want it.

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer."

tenmilestilts's picture

exactly! i have an artist

exactly! i have an artist friend so if it's something i really need drawn i have her do it...i'm such a great friend, NOT. lol
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Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!

ferrets's picture

hmmmmmmmmm

i ahve thoughts like that all the time, wanting to die just to make other ppl feel guilty.

if you thinck, what people criticize other on the most, is where there own biggest faults are, so before you complain about other people, thinck"am i struggling in the exact same area?"